Posts Tagged ‘lawyers’

As I was looking through my files, trying to decide what to post, I ran across something I thought most of my readers will not have seen how two people look at the one remaining parachute.

The Parachute Paradigm

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane, and there's only one parachute. Here's how you would handle the situation if you were a member of one of the following professions or philosophical outlooks...

Pessimist - you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway.

Optimist - you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes like this before.

Procrastinator - you play a game of Monopoly - the winner gets the parachute.

Bureaucrat - you order a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer - you agree to handle a lawsuit against the airline for a fee of one parachute.

Doctor - you tell your fellow traveler that you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make it to your next appointment.

Sales executive - you sell the parachute to your fellow traveler at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service - you confiscate the parachute along with your fellow traveler's luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer - you make another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist - you give your fellow traveler the parachute and ask him to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician - you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher - you ask how one can know that the parachute actually exists.

English major - you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Linguist - you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Computer Scientist - you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Economist - you plot a demand curve by asking your fellow traveler, at regular intervals, how much he would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalyst - you ask your fellow traveler what the shape of a parachute reminds him of.

Actor - you tie your fellow traveler down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute, before trying to find a stunt man to jump out for you at the last possible moment.

Artist - you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican - as you jump out with the parachute, you tell your fellow traveler to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat - you extract a dollar from your fellow traveler to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian - after reminding your fellow traveler of his constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

Ross Perot - you tell your fellow traveler not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General - you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers - you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

Environmentalist - you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Auto Mechanic - you immediately start to look at the plane engine since, as long as you are looking at it, it works fine.

The Modern Language Department plays went very well Saturday evening. I was particularly proud of my students in the French play. Their hard work was evident, and everyone seemed to enjoy our play. Below is a picture of the cast members and directors of the three plays. Most of those involved with the French play are in the top row.

Here's the cast of the French play. What a fun group!

quotation...

"The gospel is about what God has done. ... The gospel rescues those who know they can't make it." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

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Today I'm posting a few of the myriad "LBJ's" - light bulb jokes - in existence. This whole thing came to mind as we replaced our lighting fixture in our dining room last week. I'll start off with one that is unfortunately not a joke!

Q: How many Congress critters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 400 (314 members of the United States House of Representatives and 86 members of the United States Senate)

Late in 2007 Congress voted for an energy bill to force Americans to change the relatively inexpensive incandescent light bulbs they’re currently using and replace them with expensive new, "energy-efficient" light bulbs, and President Bush did not veto the bill! (I guess he's joined the rest of those belonging to the Global Warming Cult.) This brings to mind the 1992 energy bill, in which Congress banned the 3.5 gallon toilet, mandating that Americans no longer use more than 1.6 gallons per flush. Those new toilets have proven not to be enough to, er, get the job done. Since it sometimes takes two and three flushes per visit, Americans are using the same amount of water, if not more, than they did before Congress stuck its collective nose into our bathrooms.

And I've read that "those who know what's best for the rest of us" are also considering banning top-loading washers and disposable diapers, among other things. The "Progressives" won't be happy until we're virtuously beating cloth diapers on rocks by a steam in pitch darkness!

(Mini-rant ended...)

I guess we'll cope with this news by making "light" of it, so to speak....

Q: How many college students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Define "light bulb"

Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb change will take billions of years.

Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: On the contrary, the NILE is the longest river in Africa.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

Q: How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?
A: Eno

Q: How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oh, no! The bulb's out! Let's sell our GE stock NOW!

Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three lightbulbs.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.

Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on what you want to change it into.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.

Q: How many database programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many political pollsters/activitists/candidates/recordings does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Way too many, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.

Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It won't ever get done. They only promise change.

Q: How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What's a light bulb?

Q: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? (I know, I know - dogs can't change light bulbs, but hey, "lighten up" and enjoy!)
A: It depends on the breed (see below)....

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the dumb lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just whisper sweet nothings in the Border Collie's ear and he'll change it for me. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants take care of such things....

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze let *me* change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still wet on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there....

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

special request update...

Thanks to the 200+ people who took our campus son Tim's online survey over the weekend. When I told him that there were 4,963 unique visitors to my blog during the month of January 2008, he was excited that he might get as many as 1,000 take the survey. That would give him a far better sampling for his research. I hope many more of you will take the time to answer the 10 questions on his anonymous survey and submit your answers by clicking the button at the bottom of that page. The link is http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=jNTcwcdc_2bUDcECUc3cxt4A_3d_3d

quotation...

"You are the light of the world if you are a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Some gardeners turn their lights on in the evening so they can watch their phlox by night.

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I hate to be the bearer of sad news, but....

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure not far into this new millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories, and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.

For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second (or even last, as long as you gave it your best efforts).

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including feminism, body piercing, whole language, and "new math."

But his health declined when he became infected with the "If-it-helps-only-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well-intentioned overbearing regulation.

He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies. Reports of six-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports. Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for low-flow toilets, "smart" guns, mandatory air bags, most recently incandescent light bulbs, and the potential regulation of rocking chairs.

Finally when told that homeowners associations restricted exterior furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his last.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers: My Rights, I. M. Tolerant and Ima Whiner.

His funeral was not well attended because so few realized that he was gone.

quotation...

"Jesus didn't die for the stupid things we do. He died for our sins. If I just call my sin 'something stupid I did,' I'm not truly repentant." - Dr. Jim Berg

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

One thing about common sense is that it isn't.

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Two weeks ago I posted something that falls in the "thought-provoking" category. That blog post, "the dash and the jar," looked at the quality of the life represented by the dash between the dates of birth and death.

Today's iv is a much lighter look at this topic - epitaphs on tombstones. I have no way of knowing if they are all for real, but some of them are quite humorous. They range from puns on the name of the deceased, to insights into how the person lived or died, to insights into "those left behind" whose task or joy it was to write the epitaphs.

The following are reported to be actual epitaphs on tombstones:

Here lies Ann Mann;
She lived an old maid
And she died an old Mann.
(Bath Abbey, England)

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les
No Moore
(Tombstone, Arizona)

Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.
(Ruidoso, New Mexico)

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

Here under this sod and under these trees
Is buried the body of Solomon Pease.
But here in his hole lies only his pod
His soul is shelled out and gone up to God.
(Falkirk, Scotland)

Someone punned on the name of Owen Moore in England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

Underneath this pile of stones
Lies all that's left of Sally Jones
Her name was Briggs,
It was not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
(Skaneateles, New York)

Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness sake
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin',
So he sought for repose in a twelve dollar coffin.
(Burlington, Massachusetts)

Beneath this stone, a lump of clay
Lies Arabella Young
Who on the 21st of May
Began to hold her tongue.
(Hatfield, Mass.)

Shoot-em-up-Jake
Ran for sheriff, 1872
Ran for sheriff, 1876
Buried, 1876.
(Dodge City, Kansas)

Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
(Ribbesford, England)

Margaret Daniels:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
(Richmond, Virginia)

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
(Uniontown, Pennsylvania)

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

Beneath this stone
lies Dr. John Bigelow,
an atheist all dressed up
with no place to go.
(Thurmont, Maryland)

Here lies my wife,
I bid her goodbye.
She rests in peace
and now so do I.

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102
The Good Die Young.
(East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia)

Beneath this stone, this lump of clay
Lies uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels.
(Medway, Mass.)

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
(England)

He called Bill Smith a liar.
(Cripplecreek, Colorado)

She lived with her husband
50 years and died
in the confident hope
of a better life

William Jones
Beloved husband of Elizabeth Jones
Rest in peace until I come

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.

A popular pizza commercial asks, "What would you like on your Tombstone?" If your life were to be summed up in an epitaph, how would it read?

I doubt that the apostle Paul had a tombstone, but if I had had to write it, I think I would have just recorded what Paul wrote in Philippians 1:21, "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

That pretty well sums up Paul's life. The question is, does that sum up my life?

In a blog post in early June I included pictures of a flower box I built. Below is a picture of what it looks like now - the zinnias and lantana are doing great, the trailing petunias are not, and the pansies and Johnny Jump-Ups ... well, they've not yet appeared.

quotation...

"Don't live for anything less than God." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

"My greatest fear in life is that no one will remember me after I'm dead and gone." - some dead guy

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During our week of "forced vacation" - a gift we would not have given ourselves (we don't normally give gifts that expensive!!!) - we got some extra, much-needed rest and did some little jobs around Jim and Meg's house that they don't normally have time for. We also got in some extra reading. For those especially who don't have time to read books as long as War and Peace or the unabridged version of Les Misérables, here's a list of books that, because of their subject matter, are all *extremely* short.

WARNING - Almost anything that one could poke fun at is probably found in this list. Laugh at the things you find amusing, and skip over the rest, knowing that others may be skipping over what you've just laughed at! I have even left in some that make fun of things dear to me!

The World's Thinnest Books...

An Airhead's Advice on Logical Thinking

A Guide to Arab Democracies

A Guide to Aboriginal Etiquette

A Journey Through the Mind of a Squid

America's Most Popular Lawyers

A Millennium of German Humor

Anagrams of the Word "A"

Beauty Secrets, by Janet Reno

Bedouin Olympic Swimmers

Behave Yourself, by David Letterman

Blind Dates That Worked Out

Bob Dole: A Collection of Motivational Speeches

Burger King Items That Start with "Mc"

Career Opportunities for History Majors

Cooking Gourmet Dishes with Tofu

Countries Where Socialism Is Successful

Detroit, A Travel Guide

Easy Unix

Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

Everything Men Know About Women

Everything Women Know About Men

Famous Italian War Heroes

Favorite Foreign Emigration Destinations of the French

French Military Victories

Good Norwegian Jokes

Household Uses for Plutonium

How I Served My Country, by Jane Fonda

How to Be a Successful Politician, by Jesse Jackson

How to Sustain a Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel

How We Helped After Katrina, by Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton

Italian War Heroes

Jewish Sports Legends

Law & Order, by Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

Marcel Marceau's Greatest Speeches

Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

My Book of Morals, by Bill Clinton, foreword by Jesse Jackson

My Favorite Barbers, by Yassir Arafat

My Plan to Find the Real Killer, by O. J. Simpson

My Tips on Personal Hygiene, by Osama Bin Laden

National Directory of Irish AA Members

Olympic Athletes Who Think Sports Are Really Stupid

Spotted Owl Recipes, by the EPA

One-Legged Folk Dances

On Human Rights, by Fidel Castro

Proper Pronunciation and Elocution, by George W. Bush and Arnold Schwarzenegger

Proud Parents of Rock Musicians

Public Political Activities During Franco's Government in Spain

Scottish World Cup Successes

Staple Your Way to Success

Successful Applications of Artificial Intelligence

Sylvester Stallone's Dramatic Acting Tips

The Amish Phone Book

The Best Recipes from England

The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

The Genius of Barry Manilow

The Road to Lasting Economic Success, by Boris Yeltsin

Things I Can't Afford, by Bill Gates

Things I Like about Road Construction, by Rob "ivman" Loach

Things We Know To Be True, by Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and John Kerry

Things I Love About Bill, by Hillary Clinton

Things We Love About the USA, by Jane Fonda and Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore

Things I Would Not Do for Money, by Dennis Rodman

Things That Look Like an Apple, Taste Like an Apple, But Are Not an Apple

Things You Could Buy at the World Artichoke Festival

Vice Presidents with Really Good Ideas

Ways I Have Avoided Scandal, by Bill Clinton

Ways I Effectively Modulate My Vocal Tone, by Hillary Clinton

Why People Are More Important Than Animals, by Greenpeace

For those interested in an update after our accident...

After getting our car back late in the morning yesterday (Friday the 13th), Becka and I drove back home to Greenville, arriving at about 12:20 this morning.

We really appreciated the cheerfulness and the help of the guys in the body shop at Dorian Ford in Clinton Twp, MI, as they repaired all the damage done under our car by the concrete in the road. My main contact person there was Allen Vukmirovich, the body shop foreman - a really nice guy who worked hard in our behalf. Thanks, Allen! (His picture is below.)

We thoroughly enjoyed our time with Megan, Jim, and Drew, and we miss them already. But, as always, it is nice to be back home. We were surprised when we figured it up that we have been able to spend three whole weeks this summer with Megan and her family!

Our 700-mile "test drive" of our repaired car went well, except for a couple of traffic jams that added a total of an hour to our trip. (A tip for anyone considering a drive south on I-75 through Lexington, KY - plan some delay into your trip. Because of road destruction, three lanes are narrowed to two lanes between mile markers 111 and 109, right about where I 64 goes off to the east. The 5-mile traffic back up began at mile marker 116.) Fortunately we had just stopped for gas and dinner a couple of miles before that.

We spent so much time simply enjoying our grandson Drew, that we suddenly realized that we had taken hardly any pictures! We snapped off some desperate, last-minute pictures before leaving. Here are several:

Drew is almost as long as this section of the Pack 'n Play now!

We tried to get some smiles out of him as we said goodbye outside ... finally with success!

We miss that little smile very much already!

quotation...

"We make choices, but God is in control the whole time." - Dr. Bob Payne

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

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