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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

Marital Pearls of Wisdom


Before June, the month of many weddings, fades into history, I thought I'd post some things a long-time reader reminded me I sent out in 2003, before I started blogging.
 
Gramps and Granny were discussin' their 50th wedding anniversary. She asked, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?"
 
"Naw," said Gramps. "Why blame the poor bird for something that happened 50 years ago?"
 

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Pearls of wisdom from Grandpa on having a long, happy marriage...
 
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, make beds and is in good health, and most importantly he's already used to taking orders.
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Love and Marriage


With Valentine's Day coming up next week, I thought I'd post some humor on love and marriage. Many people do little or nothing special on Valentine's Day, for one reason or another. But for others it's a neat time to remind others of their love for them.

I'll start this post off with a personal story. When I was a high school French student, my French Grandma Loach worked out a penpal situation for me with grandchildren of several of her family members in France. My penpals were cousins of mine who were high schoolers studying English. We not only enjoyed getting to know each other by letter, but we also delighted in sharing aspects of the culture of our respective countries with each other.

With Valentine's Day coming up, I bought cards with a message something like "Be My Valentine, Cousin" and mailed them. They wrote back, politely thanking me. However in her reply, my cousin Annie expressed bewilderment, explaining that in France, Valentine cards are exchanged only by sweethearts or spouses. She included a French Valentine card for me to see. She wondered how in the world I found a card for a cousin! I had to write back and tell her that holidays are so commercialized here in the US that you could probably find a card made especially for your cousin's dog's veterinarian.

Believe it or not, I still have that card she sent me over 35 years ago! Here's a scan of the front of that French Valentine card:

Knowing the reputation of the French for romance and knowing that Valentine cards are exchanged only by lovers, I was a little nervous about opening the card, wondering what steamy message I might find inside. Since this is a family-friendly blog, I almost blush to show you what I found. However if you have the courage to continue reading (caveat lector), here's a scan of the message inside the card:
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Mergers and Marriages


picture of a merger

This past Sunday my son told me he had heard that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook were planning to merge. I was thinking about what a powerhouse that would be until he dropped the punchline. He added, "They're going to call it YouTwitFace!" This started me thinking about mergers (takeovers?) in the news lately, like GM and the US Federal Government. So does GM now stand for Government Motors?

Then this week's news delivered the story of the possibly soon culmination of the Chrysler/Fiat deal. I read in this morning's news that the new Chrysler will be owned 20% by Fiat, together with the U.S. and Canadian governments (who are financing the sale with $2 billion), while over 67% will be controlled by the United Auto Workers. Hmm, it should be well run after that "reorganization"....

In the wake of such unlikely mergers, here are others that would be interesting if they ever took place, or at least more humorous than the current administration's "remaking" of our auto industry. I'm not even sure some of these companies are still in business, but they're names most people would still recognize.

If Yahoo and Netscape merged, they'd be Net 'n Yahoo, with their headquarters located in Tel Aviv.

If J.C. Penney merged with Aunt Jemina, they'd be Penney Aunty.

If Fairchild Electronics merged with Honeywell, would the new company be Fairwell Honeychild?

If Wurlitzer merged with Xerox, would they specialize in the cloning of organs?

How about Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers?
It could be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear?
M-M-M Good

John Deere and Abitibi-Price?
Deere Abi

Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer?
Crab Apple

Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds?
Swiss Cheese

If 3M, J.C. Penney, and Canadian Opera Company merged?
3 Penney Opera

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining?
Zip Audi Do Da

Luvs Diapers, Hertz Rent-a-Car, and Krispy Kreme?
Luv Hertz, Donut?

If Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women merged?
Knott NOW

If FEDEX and UPS merged? They'd call it FED UP.

Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil would become "Honey, I'm Home."

Denison Mines and Alliance and Metal Mining merge and would become "Mine, All Mine."

If Allegheny Airlines merged with Braniff, they'd be All-Bran, the world's most regular airline.

If Grace Chemical bought the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics, and then merged with Hale Business Systems, would this new conglomerate be known as "Hale Mary Fuller Grace?"

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In this month of wedding, let's look at the results of some possible and improbable marriages and remarriages. Some of the names below remind me of names like Mary Baker Glover Patterson Eddy (founder of Christian Science) or Liz Taylor if she had retained all her married names — Liz Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky. Phew! Anyway, here goes....

picture of a couple

If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, she would have been Yoko Ono Bono.

If Julie London married Bo Bridges and fell down the church steps after the wedding, she'd be Julie London Bridges falling down.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then later married Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then later married Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Tuesday Weld married Frederick March II, she'd be Tuesday March II.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then later married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Nog (Quark's nephew having no other name on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") used his name twice when getting a marriage license, took the name of his bride, and married a girl whose last name was Hughes, and then later married Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

Do you have any thoughts on mergers, real or fictitious?

quotation...

"Fascism should more appropriately be called Corporatism because it is a merger of state and corporate power." - Benito Mussolini

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Bumper sticker seen in California — Honk if you've been married to Liz!


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Summer Upgrades … and Some Aren’t


picture of upgrade

June is traditionally the month when there are lots of weddings. This month we have several here in town that we'll be attending and several out of state that we cannot attend. This summer I'm working again at IT ServiceDesk on campus, "improving life, one computer at a time." One of our summer tasks is upgrading software and even some hardware. For today's iv, I'm going to "wed" those two ideas into the theme for the iv - comparing marriage to upgrades of computer programs.

What you're about to read is two fictitious e-mail exchanges between newlyweds and tech support. They are similar in many ways, and yet very different so as to reflect the differences between the genders.

Tech Support Request

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very few system resources for other applications. After a few months I noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that is taking up a lot of space and further valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs, launches during system initialization, and monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications, and I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 from taking over my system. It's too late to uninstall and go back to the Girlfriend 7.0 program. Can you please help me?

Thanks,
Troubled User

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REPLY...

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem men complain about, but it's mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "Utilities and Entertainment" program.

Wife 1.0 is an operating system and designed to run everything. WARNING – do not try to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed! Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You're right – you cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.3 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. Do not even think of trying to run Girlfriend 7.0 or 7.3 in the background. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the other program running in the background and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\I_APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then the reset button as soon as a lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPF's.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use of utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communication 5.0

Wishing you the best!
Tech Support

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Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included before the upgrade.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as RomanticMovies 7.5, OceansideWalks 3.9, SappyLoveNotes 2.2, and OperaNight 6.1, and it installs new, undesirable programs such as BasketballNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Whenever I try to run Communication 5.0, it invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Cooking 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running NagNag 9.5 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please?

Thanks,
Desperate

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REPLY...

Dear Desperate,
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misunderstanding. Many women upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an entertainment program while Husband 1.0 is an operating system that, incidentally, was designed to run as few applications as possible. Furthermore, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 eventually to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can be installed only once per year, since Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, just a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their favorite old applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical operating system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command: C:\I_THOUGHT_YOU_LOVED_ME. You will find that sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPF's, and ultimately it may be YOU who has to give a C:\I_APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or Workaholic 6.9.

Just remember! The system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPF's, but because of this fine feature, it can only intermittently run all applications that Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly, not being very intuitive.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotMeals 3.0, Cheerfulness 5.3, LovingPatience 10.1, and Listening 2. Used in combination, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, you will become more familiar with Husband 1.0 and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution. Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 might run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this wonderful product.

Your friends at Tech Support

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Any comments on those exchanges? 😀

quotation...

"Does your planning take priority over your praying? What do you do first, and what do you do most?" - Dr. Chris Barney

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

"June weddings are the perfect opportunity to sweat in an ugly bridesmaid's dress." - Maxine


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Kids on Love


picture of kids

Everyone has his own perspective on things. The description of this blog right under the blog name reads "one French professor’s humorous and serious perspectives on life…." While I definitely share my perspectives on life, I'm very interested in what others think too – that's why I invite people to make comments on my blog.

Of all the perspectives out there, children have some of the best things to say about many issues of life, some of which they don't fully understand and others that they understand surprisingly well. Today's instant vacation is some thoughts kids have about love. I don't know the source of these – obviously someone who is around children a lot.

Kids' thoughts on love

WHAT IS LOVE?
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's Love."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... that's why perfume and deodorant is so popular." Mae, age 9

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome as anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, age 7

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 6

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, age 9

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF ADULTS EATING DINNER IN A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold ... other people care more about their food." Bart, age 9

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that's on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are - on fire." Christine, age 9

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." Dave, age 8

"Don't forget your wife's name..that will mess up the love." Erin, age 8

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"Love will find you. Even if you hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding the fourth grade hard enough." Regina, age 10

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 9

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10

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Do you have any quotations on this subject from kids in your life?

quotation...

"The problem with man is not the lack of evidence, but the suppression of evidence." - Dr. Ravi Zacharias

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."


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