Tag Archive 'moms'

nice bathroom humor

Posted on 28 Jul 2008 at 10:29 pm | 6 comments so far

One of the things that my readers appreciate is that what I post is suitable for even the youngest members of the family. So much of what calls itself humor these days ranges from blatant filth to innuendo to bathroom humor.

I’ve had some interesting pictures and information passed on to me lately, though, that I’ve been wanting to post. Technically, it’s bathroom humor, but not what people normally think of when they hear that expression. You’ll understand as you read on….

With so much emphasis today on everything being “green,” many will see the practicality in a new device called WashUP. It uses the washer’s discarded water as the water for the toilet. Very clever - after all, who needs clean water for flushing?

washer/toilet combination

Pretty clever, huh?

Another innovation for those multitaskers who are the epitome of practical…

going online

Kind of gives “going online” a whole new meaning!

Some people, though, are more interested in uniqueness or beauty. Here are a couple of glitzy toilets on the market for people into “bathroom bling”…

aquarium toilet

absolutely glitzy toilet

Those who have visited the funny pix archives on the main ivman.com website will remember the following outdoor toilet from a European city…

European outdoor toilet

Some places in Europe do, however, prefer something with a bit more privacy…

disappearing outdoor bathroom

Scary, huh?

I have several bathroom signs that need little or no explanation.

Here’s a sign from a bathroom in the Philippines…

a sign in a bathroom in the Philippines

This bathroom sign is obviously from an upscale establishment…

high-class establishment

This sign says it all for those of us at BJU taking part in the Wellness Challenge…

restroom sign

I’ll end this part of the post with a note seen on a bathroom door…

Attention Children: The Bathroom Door is Closed!

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken; I am not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there; but it’s been years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am ready.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling, “She’s in the BATHROOM!”

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny only when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two, this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

Oh … and yes, I still do love you.

Mom

quotation…

“Live your life for the one thing that matters - the pursuit of Jesus Christ.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.

6 comments so far

kid speak

Posted on 08 May 2008 at 9:34 pm | 9 comments so far

The other day, a friend and I were exchanging the latest news on each of our respective first grandchildren. Her granddaughter is talking a little, but not everything is comprehensible. This next week we’ll find out what our little guy can say now. He jabbers a lot, but not many understandable words. This friend was telling me about a little boy in her family who was recently at the beach. His mom put a tank top on him so that he didn’t get badly sunburned. He’d never worn a tank top before, and his comment was “Shirt broke!”

This got me to thinking about all the cute things our kids said when they were little - things like Megan’s being upset about the dirt on her “hand-elbows” (knuckles) or Nora’s requesting “a Nora-spoon” - leaving us scratching our heads as to what was wanted. She was trying to tell us she wanted a metal spoon, not plastic, since she could see herself in the metal spoon. When Mark was little, he was obsessed with getting big. One day Becka asked him if he’d like a little milk, to which he indignantly replied, “No, I want BIG milk!” I’m sure your kids have said some great things too. Please post some as comments.

I’d like to post one last thing related to Mother’s Day this week. Today’s iv is focused on the child’s side of the equation. Several of the short quips highlight some cute things children are reported to have said, and several relate some heart-warming things kids have said.

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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, a woman used to take her four-year-old daughter on her afternoon rounds. The child was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day the mother found her daughter staring at a set of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As she braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions about the dentures, she was surprised when her daughter merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

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A couple had spent the day moving from their farmhouse into their new house in town. They were too tired to try to meet neighbors on moving day and collapsed into bed late that night.

Very early the next morning, their 3 year old ran into their bedroom to wake them up. The mother dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to let them sleep. About 20 minutes later, he came running back. “Mommy, Mommy,” he exclaimed, “everybody has doorbells - and they all work.”

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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to reprove the child gently. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and stay like that.”

Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

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Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing. I just helped him cry.”

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Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted and a little girl said, “I know all about adoptions because I was adopted.”

“What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child.

“It means,” said the girl, “that I grew in my mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.”

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A little 10 year old named Sarah was born with a muscle missing in her foot and must wear a brace all the time. She came home one beautiful spring day to tell that she had competed in her school’s “field day.” Because of her leg support, her father’s mind raced as he tried to think of some encouragement for Sarah - things he could say to her about not letting this get her down. But before he could get a word out, she said, “Daddy, I won two of the races!”

The father couldn’t believe it! But before he could say anything, she continued, “I had an advantage.”

Ah, ha - he knew it - he thought she must have been given a head start … some kind of physical advantage. But again, before he could say anything, she said, “Daddy, I didn’t get a head start. My advantage was I had to try harder!”

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In New York City, on a cold day in December a little boy about 10 years old was standing before a shoe store, barefooted and peering through the window, shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy and said, “My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?”

“I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,” was the boy’s reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little guy to the back part of the store, removed her gloves, knelt down, washed his feet, and dried them with a towel. By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. After placing a pair of socks on the boy’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. As they turned to leave the store, she said, “Well, little fellow, are you more comfortable now?”

The astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face with tears his eyes, answered her question with another question, “Are you God’s wife?”

quotation…

“To handle yourself well, use your head. To handle others well, use your heart.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

People who say they sleep like a baby obviously don’t have one.

9 comments so far

Mom’s dictionary

Posted on 05 May 2008 at 9:07 pm | One comment so far

In preparation for Mother’s Day, I thought it might be good to share some words from “Mom’s dictionary.”

Mom’s dictionary

airplane - What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets

alien - What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself

amnesia - A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have a baby again

apple - Nutritious lunchtime dessert that children will often trade for cupcakes

baby -

    1. Mom’s youngest child
    2. Dad, when he gets a cold

bathroom - a room used by the entire family and believed (by all except Mom) to be self-cleaning

“because” - Mom’s reason for making kids do things or not do things which can’t be explained logically

bed and breakfast - Two things the kids don’t like to make for themselves

bottle feeding - An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. too

carpet - Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes

car pool - Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the farthest, with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar

China - Legendary country reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables

cook -

    1. Act of preparing food for consumption
    2. Mom’s other name

date - Infrequent outings with Dad, where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting

defense - What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside

drinking glass - Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge

drooling - How teething babies wash their chins

dumbwaiter - One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert

ear - A place where kids store dirt

eat - What kids do between meals, but not at them

energy - Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something

family planning - The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

feedback - The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots

full name - What you call your child when you’re mad at him

garbage - A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself

geniuses - Amazingly, all of Mom’s children

grandparents - The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right

gum - Adhesive for the hair

hamper - A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing

Handi-Wipes - Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

hearsay - What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word

independent - How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say

look out! - What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it

prenatal - When your life was still somewhat your own

prepared childbirth - A contradiction in terms

puddle - A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it

show off - A child who is more talented than yours

sterilize - What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it

storeroom - The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything

temper tantrums - What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children

top bunk - Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies

two-minute warning - When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises

verbal - Able to whine in words

whodunit - None of the kids that live in your house

whoops - An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge”

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This first week of summer “vacation” is busier than last week! I started my summer job today at IT Help Desk on campus - work I really enjoy. This evening I had a wedding rehearsal - I’m the lower voice in two duets at the wedding tomorrow evening of a young lady I’ve known since she was a toddler. We’re also trying to get ready for the arrival of our daughter Megan and grandson Drew this Saturday for a week’s stay - our son-in-law’s Mother’s Day gift to Megan and to Becka.

quotation…

“There’s no news that is news to God.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If a mute swears in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

One comment so far

a not-so-grave matter

Posted on 31 Mar 2008 at 6:20 pm | One comment so far

Tuesday of this week is April Fools’ Day here in the US and in many other countries. What I’m posting today seems as if it could be an April Fools’ story, but I’ve checked in out on snopes.com and found that it’s all too true!

Barbara Sue Manire passed away on her 64th birthday in 2005. Her tombstone pictured below is the way it looked for the first year after her burial in the Highland Cemetery in Okemah, Oklahoma.

In case you can’t read it clearly, the epitaph reads, “Our mom … Her humor lives on.” Here’s why….

Barbara Sue Manire, a women with a great sense of humor, always used to say that when she died she wanted a parking meter on her grave that says ‘Expired.’ Barbara Sue’s daughter, Sherri Ann Weeks confirmed that such an unusual decorative feature on her mother’s tombstone was indeed her mother’s idea. Sherri said, “Mom always said she wanted a parking meter with ‘time expired.’ And she wanted to be on the front row of the cemetery so she could see what was going on. We gave her what she wanted. … Our dad wanted his final inscription to be ‘I told ‘em I was sick,’” said Weeks, “but we were never sure if he was serious about it. With Mom, she talked about the parking meter all the time. We knew she wanted it.”

The parking meter wasn’t placed at the time Barbara Sue Manire was buried since they weren’t sure if it was the right thing to do after all. Her family mulled the whole idea over for about a year before Sherri’s brother, Terry Heiskill, bought the meter on eBay. A hole was drilled in the gravestone to accommodate the parking meter.

Below are two different angles on the meter itself.

You can see the tombstone online by clicking here

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chickadee update…

The last several times I’ve peeked into the bird house, the mama has been on her eggs. So I don’t know at this point how many eggs there are currently. More details as they become available….

quotation…

Give us a sense of humor.
Give us the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

- author unknown

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Fools rush in - and get all the best seats.

One comment so far

Jewish perspective

Posted on 27 Mar 2008 at 8:19 pm | 2 comments so far

It’s been good to be back in classes again this week, though that may sound strange to some. :-) As great as Bible Conference was, there’s just something nice about the regular routine too. I’ve been ruminating on what I heard last week as I seek to make applications to my own personal life. I just discovered that, not only could people listen to the conference messages as they streamed online, they can also listen to or download .mp3s of all the messages at http://www.bju.edu/campus/events/bibleconf/2008.html

Although all the speakers were very good, a personal favorite of mine was Craig Hartman. He’s a completed Jew, that is, a Jew who has accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as his personal Savior, and hence, as Messiah. I love Craig automatically as a person because he’s just himself - a man with a highly developed sense of humor and a unique style of speaking. But I love him also as a speaker because of the interesting perspective he gives as one who is totally familiar with the Jewish perspective. Here’s something he told the audience at the beginning of his second message of the week, a message where he explained some of what was happening in the John 7:37-43 narrative: “If you want to understand the Bible, don’t go back 300 years to Europe. Go back 2,000 years to Israel. That’s where the answers are! Opinions of people 300 years ago in Europe may be interesting, they may be challenging, they may be convicting, but to be perfectly honest, in many cases they have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about, because many of them had never taken a moment to look into what did the Jews think back in the days that Jesus lived.” He went on to tell what the Jews did during the Feast of Tabernacles, and how that explained some of what happened in the event in John. I’d like to encourage you to listen to this message. If you’d like to learn more about Craig’s ministry, go to http://shalomnyc.org

We went to Living Gallery this afternoon at 4:30. What a powerful message, and what a focus on Christ! Wow!

As I thought about the Jewish perspective, as described above, I looked in my files for something to post. Enjoy!

Yiddish Proverbs and Rules of Life (many have been attributed to Jewish grandmothers)

If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

If they give you, take; if they take from you, yell!

Charge nothing, and you’ll get a lot of customers.

Don’t spit into the well - you might drink from it later.

Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.

You can’t chew with somebody else’s teeth.

If you spit upwards, you’re bound to get it back in the face.

Had you gotten up early, you wouldn’t have needed to stay up late.

When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.

One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie abed ’til noon.

For dying, you always have time.

Silence is the fence around wisdom.

If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.

No one looks good in a yarmulke.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

WASP’s leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d’oeuvre.

If you don’t eat, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Where there’s smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

And what’s so wrong with dry turkey?

Spring forward, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

Before you read the menu, read the prices.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

***
A few centuries ago, the pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

Being outnumbered, the Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So to represent them they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. (A strange debate indeed! Sounds like some of our political debates - where they say so little they’re really saying nothing! Enough editorializing….) Reluctantly, the pope agreed to this odd debate format, yet confident that he could win using strong symbolism through hand gestures alone.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.

Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good! The Jews can stay.”

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the pope asking him what happened. The pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

“He responded by holding up and waving one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! “What happened?” they asked.

“Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”

“And then?” asked a woman.

“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

***
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

“Wonderful,” says the mother, “What part is it?”

The boy replies, “I will play the part of the Jewish husband!”

The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell your teacher that you want a speaking part!”

quotation…

“It’s amazing how much time we waste that we could have spent in prayer.” - Dr. Greg McLaughlin

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility gap.

2 comments so far