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Posts Tagged ‘newspapers’

Crazy Classifieds, part 2


This is a continuation of the post Crazy Classifieds, part 1 from earlier this week. I hope you enjoy these. I will repeat the same disclaimer....

WARNING: Don't read these unless you're in a place where you are free to laugh out loud at least several times.

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Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.

And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Mother's helper – peasant working conditions.

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I really enjoy hearing from the commenters on my blog. If you don't get to the blog itself and read the comments, you're missing some of the best humor. Or worse yet, you could be depriving the other readers of the laugh they would get from your comment! 😀

I'll be back at you this weekend with the second installment of Tom Swifties. Hope your week ends well.

quotation...

"Be what you want them to become, or you will become what they are." - Dr. Gordon Dickson

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

"LITE" — the new way to spell "LIGHT" with 20% fewer letters!


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Crazy Classifieds, part 1


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In a recent post called Extra! Extra! Read all about it! I talked about the decline in circulation and subsequent demise of some newspapers that have been around for years. One of the favorite sections of the paper that many people will miss is the classifieds. Though meant to be helpful, but they are often a great source of humor, intentionally or otherwise.

I have scans of quite a few funny classifieds as well as text of some reportedly real ads. Because of the sheer quantity, I'm breaking the post into two parts. Here are some particularly poorly-worded ads.

WARNING: Don't read these unless you're in a place where you are free to laugh out loud at least several times.

I'll start off with some help wanted ads.

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Here are some items for sale.

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Here are several (a little too?) personal ads.

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Illiterate? Write today for help.

Auto Repair Service. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and Save! Limit one per customer.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Three-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

WANTED: Girl to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

Vacation special: Have your home exterminated.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For rent: Six-room hated apartment.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Man, honest, will take anything.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

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And who said spelling and word order don't matter?! 🙂

I have added part 2 to this post – http://blog.ivman.com/crazy-classifieds-part-2

Our campus son Tim, whom I mentioned in the post Rules of the Air, has written a book that will be off the presses this summer. I'd like to share the link to his website about this book Inherited Freedom. I was privileged to be one of his readers before the book went into production. It's a good tribute to both of his grandfathers, soldiers in the Greatest Generation. I've put a link to his site in the links on my sidebar.

I'll end this post with a picture I received today that was just screaming out to be shared. The subject line of the e-mail read:

It's official. There is a recession!

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quotation...

"Much of the trouble we face is self-inflicted." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Editing is a rewording activity.


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Extra! Extra! Read All about It!


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For several years I have been hearing about the decline in newspaper circulation. But recently I have heard of newspaper publishers laying off employees or even deciding to publish online only. I know many people who love the newspapers and who read them regularly. But I also know more and more people who seek their news online, whether it be from the newspapers they've always read on paper or from other news outlets now available.

Recently I came across an e-mail I had received a long time ago that included some hilarious newspaper clippings. I thought now might be a good time to share them. I will pass them along with little or no comment – I'll count on you to comment on any of them that strike you funny. Some of the articles had to have been published on an extremely slow news day!

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This correction hardly seems adequate....

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This final one makes me wonder why it took the man so long to notice the absence!

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Are you a newspaper reader? Do you trust newspapers in general or any one in particular?

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This is final exam week here on campus, with graduation this Saturday. I haven't been to Europe in 8 years, but lately Europe has been coming to us! Last week one of my former students who is from Germany and who majored in French here at BJU stopped by to see me while in town. This morning I was surprised to see a former student from England who is here for her sister's graduation. This Wednesday evening a German couple we don't know is arriving at our house. My office mate Phil and his wife are housing two people in the group and asked us to house this couple. They will be with us for a week and a half. My rusty German might have to come out of retirement — it's been 19 years since I last taught German!

This morning I read an excellent blog post by a missionary in Europe and left a comment. His blog is on blogspot.com and some Internet filtering where you are reading this may prevent you from going there. If you'd like to read the post, you can find it by clicking on the following link – Alcohol on the Mission Field.

quotation...

"I read no newspaper now but Ritchie's, and in that chiefly the advertisements, for they contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper." - Thomas Jefferson, Letter to Nathaniel Macon, January 12, 1819

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.


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