For today's instant vacation I'd like to highlight some of the delightful differences between women and men. I thought if some of you are working on Valentine's Day programs, I should send some stuff early. After all, February begins already next week!
I certainly don't agree with everything said below, but then, I didn't write it.
Some comparisons of men and women...
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head, and Useless.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob, and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22. 50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and an almost empty milk bottle. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about fifteen years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks.
Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
When a woman reaches midlife, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes vary with the individual.
Midlife in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to get short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that perform various tasks on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for a state-of-the-art camera and take photography classes.
Women purchase disposable cameras. Of course, women often end up taking better pictures.
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail, etc.
A man will dress up for weddings or funerals.
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Women seem to be able to remember every little detail of each child's life - the first tooth, doctor's appointments, school pick-up times, food preferences, etc.
Some men are only aware that there seems to be an increasing number of short people in the house.
Sunday morning we learned of the passing of another former member of the administration, Luena Barker, who had passed away following a massive stroke. Here's the information we received by email yesterday on campus: "Please pray for the family and friends of Miss Luena Barker, '50 grad and former dean of women, who passed away this past weekend. The funeral service will be Wednesday at 1 p.m. at the Braun-Everiss-Wagley Funeral Home (1501 W. Maumee St., Adrian, Mich.). Viewings will be Tuesday from 2 to 4 p.m. and 6 to 8 p.m. and Wednesday at 12 p.m." I've copied Miss Barker's obituary from the Greenville News and put it on my website at http://ivman.com/barker.html for those of you who would like to read it.
"Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing." - anonymous (probably by the speaker's wise decision to remain so....)
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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