Posts Tagged ‘one-liners’

The week before final exams last semester, I did a blog post called "How to Fail a Test with Dignity," about some hilarious answers students have written on tests. One of my readers sent me an e-mail with more test questions and answers. I'm a little suspicious as to the authenticity of these for several reasons — none of the questions have a number in front of them, the font looks about the same on all the "tests," and the handwriting in several appears to be the same. Maybe the originator had a list of test questions and the answers given, and then tried to re-create them. Whatever, they are funny and I pass them on to you, my dear readers.

In one of the answers in the previous post, a students drew an elephant and said the object in the test question would not continue to move because an elephant was in the way. Another student tried to use that same dumb answer, but with even less success — the teacher noticed a missing (de)tail:

WARNING: As you continue to read this post, be sure you are somewhere where you can laugh out loud, in case some of these strike you really funny. These read almost like a series of one-liners.
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Do you remember a milkman bringing milk in glass bottles to your home? Milkmen were still doing that during my childhood in Fostoria, Ohio, the town where my wife and I grew up. My parents did not get our milk through the milkman, but my wife's parents did. She has vivid memories of going out to pet his horse and of the cardboard tops being pushed off milk bottles that had frozen on the doorstep.

Something I do remember was having a milk break during the morning in early elementary school. The milk came in little glass bottles and cost us two or three cents a day.

Here's a picture of such a milkman's cart of that era:

What I'm posting today is supposed to be notes left for milkmen in England, where milk is still being delivered to homes. I did some checking online to see if milkmen still deliver milk in England. Here is an excerpt of what I found at icons.org/uk

The early morning chink-chink of the milkman or woman and the hum of the electric float is declining in 21st-century England though – despite efforts to extend the range of products on offer to include eggs, bread, juice and more. Despite rumours to the contrary, there is no threat to UK milk deliveries from the European Union, but there might just be one from lack of domestic interest.

Notes left for milkmen in England

"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."
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There are some classic types of jokes that people either love or hate — puns, knock-knock jokes, elephant jokes, blonde jokes, light bulb jokes, Polack (or substitute the group of your choice) jokes, riddles, etc. Frankly there are some of those that I don't prefer personally. In today's blog post, I'm featuring why did the chicken cross the road? jokes.

Do you ever wonder how certain kinds of jokes ever got started? Here is some history of "why did the chicken cross the road?" jokes from Wikipedia:

The exact origin of the riddle is obscure. Its first known appearance in print occurred in 1847 in The Knickerbocker, a New York monthly magazine: ...There are 'quips and quillets' which seem actual conundrums, but yet are none. Of such is this: 'Why does a chicken cross the street?' Are you 'out of town?' Do you 'give it up?' Well, then: 'Because it wants to get on the other side!'

Here are some of my favorite replies to the question Why did the chicken cross the road?

Any kindergarten teacher: To get to the other side.

Sir Edmund Hilary: Because it is there.

Confucius: Chicken who cross road at 5pm get very flat.

Barack H. Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Dick Cheney: Did you say chicken? Where’s my gun?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with that chick.
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Did you hear that Michael Jackson has died?! I've had some fun lately asking friends and family that question, acting as if I had just heard the shocking news for the first time myself. With the almost non-stop news coverage about him and his family, you'd have to be living in a cave not to know that MJ has passed away! I have seen the comic strip below online attributed to John Campbell and also unattributed several places and hope you'll enjoy it.

That sums up fairly well 95% of the news updates we hear after the death this world's "heros."

Did you hear that our economy is struggling?! As you well know, the news is full of stories of bankruptcies, layoffs, and gloomy forecasts, all the while struggling to make it look as if Obama is delivering the hope and change he promised instead of making things worse. But if you've been hit hard personally by the economy, you don't need news coverage to tell you so. Because many people have been affected personally or have loved ones affected, I have not been asking people in jest whether they've heard that heard that the economy is in trouble, as I do with the death of Michael Jackson. That said, though, I did have to chuckle at a list of indicators I received recently from an ivman reader who teaches business at my university.

You know the economy is really bad when....

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

You got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

You went to buy a toaster oven and they gave you a bank.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Officials from the Obama administration meet with small businesses — GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup, and GM — to discuss the Stimulus Package.

Mothers in China are telling their children to clean their plates because children are starving in America.

McDonald's is selling the Quarter-Ouncer.

People in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and are learning the names of their own children.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on for you.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

The bank returns your check marked as "Insufficient Funds" and you call them to ask if they meant you or themselves.

What are you or those close to you doing differently because of the current economy? I'm sure your personal belt-tightening is more serious than the list above.

quotation...

"Self-interest is not necessarily selfishness." - Dr. Marty Marriott

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Rob

Things have gotten so bad that gold diggers are now marrying for love.

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Do you ever get ideas from reading blogs? My wife did a post recently about the inspiration she gets from reading other blogs. Yesterday Bet over at Dappled Things had a post discussing two of my summertime enemies — mosquitoes and poison ivy. I commented on her blog that I am bait for both. Shuddering at the thought of poison ivy reminded me of some quotations in my files.

The I.V. of ivman, for you newer readers, stands for "instant vacation." You can read more about how this whole "iv" thing got started on my about page. My iv's are intended to give my readers some much-needed laughs. I've named this blog post "Poison I.V." because it is a list of borderline venomous quotations that range from cynical, to pessimistic, to thought-provoking, to hilarious! Some of the quotations are actually insults, but I think you will LOL at some of them.

I am always a bit hesitant to share quotations of people that I'm not familiar with for fear that the one quoted is some weirdo or creep. So I will add the following disclaimer — if in my ignorance I am sending a quotation from such a person, I'm doing so innocently. Never assume malice for what ignorance could explain.

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. - Ambrose Bierce

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. - H.L. Mencken

Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type. - Fran Lebowitz

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder

Journalism consists largely in saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive. - G.K. Chesterton

Woe to him inside a nonconformist clique who does not conform with the nonconformity. - Eric Hoffer

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke

If you leave the smallest corner of your head vacant for a moment, other people's opinions will rush in from all quarters. - George Bernard Shaw

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open. - Ogden Nash

Every Frenchman wants to enjoy one or more privileges; that's the way he shows his passion for equality. - Charles de Gaulle

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another. - Frank J. Dobie

A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give up the desire to improve him. - Nathaniel Branden

Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. - John F. Kennedy

There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it. - Denis Diderot

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible. - Jean Kerr

The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth. - Edith Sitwell

Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes. - George Norman Douglas

A woman does not spend all her time in buying things; she spends part of it in taking them back. - Edgar Watson Howe

Washington is the only place where sound travels faster than light. - C.V.R. Thompson

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms. - Groucho Marx

A modest little person, with much to be modest about. - Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)

Suppose you were an idiot..... And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. - Irvin S. Cobb

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. - George Ade

We live in an environment whose principal product is garbage. - Russell Baker

I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. - Chauncey Depew

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. - Eric Hoffer

Perhaps in time the so-called Dark Ages will be thought of as including our own. - G.C. Lichtenberg

When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away. - Robert M. Hutchins

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. - Jonathan Swift

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. - Samuel Johnson

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner

Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? - La Rochefoucauld

The multitude of books is making us ignorant. - Voltaire

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston Churchill

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James

It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember. - Eugene McCarthy

If they really want to honor the soldiers, why don't they let them sit in the stands and have the people march by. - Will Rogers

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

There is no distinctly native American criminal class, save Congress. - Mark Twain

What this country needs are [sic] more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. - P.J. O'Rourke

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. - Thomas Brackett Reed

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? - Harry Shearer

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear. - Alan Coren

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. - Ogden Nash

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain

I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. - Artemus Ward

OK, now did you laugh at least once? And did you notice, there was not one mention of Mark Sanford, Farrah Fawcett, or Michael Jackson?

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Rob

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

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