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Posts Tagged ‘one-liners’

One-Liners Are Some of My Favorites

As I was looking through my files, I found a list of one-liners that were sent to me by a long-time reader who has now been in heaven for several years. Some I've seen and maybe even posted before, but there were quite a few in the list that were new to me. So, in memory of P.D., I post this list of one-liners.

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.

The days of a digital watch are numbered.

Do not curse the darkness; check the warranty.

Today's subliminal message is

People who kill people give guns a bad name.

There is no future in time travel.

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.

Psychoceramics: the study of crackpots.

In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be identified and fired!

If you want to know the value of money, try to borrow some.

Put on your seat belts. I want to try something.

It's always darkest just before you step on the cat.

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Are you illiterate? Write to us for a free book.

The buck doesn't even slow down here.

When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.

California does have its faults.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

You have two choices for dinner; take it or leave it.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
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Yet More One-liner Puns

This week is our annual Bible Conference at school. Can we already be this far along in the semester?! Five more weeks of classes, exams, and it's the end of another school year!

A longtime reader sent me a list of puns earlier this week. I tried to remove ones I have already posted and added some others I've found along the way. Prepare to groan and laugh.

When deep cuts were made in the guillotine industry, heads rolled.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

I heard the new auto body shop that opened comes highly wreck-a-mended.

The president of the Ennui Club was also chairman of the bored.

I decided not to go to Pisa, but I was leaning towards it.

Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.

The historian loves reading about bobcats. They are lynx to the past.

Drivers who speed in the snow often find themselves adrift.

I asked a librarian if she was free this afternoon, but she said she was all booked up.

When you purchase stuff south of the border, you don't peso much.

The termite wanted to lose weight, so he started eating more lattice.

I tried reading a book about mazes, but I got lost.

If you have ever tried to eat a clock, you know it's time consuming.

The other day a clown held the door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.
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Little Humor


When you tell people, "I'm not happy," do they ask which dwarf you are instead? On St. Patrick's Day do people ask you where your pot of gold is? Do you hate to gain even one pound because it instantly shows everywhere? Do you constantly have to ask random strangers to help you get something off higher shelves in stores? Do people use you as an armrest without asking? When people drop things, do they ask you to pick it up since you're closer to the ground? Do you always end up in the front row in pictures and choirs?

If you have never faced any of those situations, you're probably one of those disgustingly tall or otherwise normal people. 🙂 For a long time I have referred to myself as "short and dumpy." Whenever I say that, I hear everything from hearty laughs to nervous chuckles .... like, is it ok to laugh at what I just said about myself? I come from a family of short people — my French grandma was 4'9", her daughter (my aunt) 4'10", and my dad (Grandma's son) was 5'5". At 5'8" I felt like Gulliver with much of my family in France. My mom's side of the family added little height to the mix — Mom was 5'1" tall (in her younger years).

In my annual physical recently, I learned that I am now 3/4 of an inch shorter than I already was for my whole adult life! Losing some height that I could ill afford to lose and my wife's recently reading the funny thing I've used as my signature line at the end of this post made me decide to do a post about being short. This will give you a glimpse of how we experience life from the altitude at which we fly.

Things you get to / have to hear as a short person:

You're like really short ... to which you reply, "Thanks, I had no idea."

You work at a bank?! Is it a piggy bank?

Well, at least you don't have to worry about door frames and ceiling fans.

Have you ever thought about playing baseball? You'd be perfect for playing shortstop.

Do you have enough money or are you a little short?

Do you also have good short term memory?

Are you a member of the Lolly Pop League?
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Highbrow Humor

Eggs Over Easily

This past week a former student of mine who reads my blog sent me three text messages in fairly rapid succession. They each made me laugh out loud. The humor was definitely quite sophisticated, and I decided to round up some very short, yet very high-powered bits of humor. Don't feel bad if you don't get some of them ... I don't either.

The first three are the ones my friend sent me — the ones that got this blog post rolling.

People often accuse me of "stealing other people's jokes" and being a "plagiarist." Their words, not mine.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

I hate explaining puns to kleptomaniacs. They take things literally.

(Thanks JA for inspiring this post!)

Never trust atoms. They make up everything!

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

There are two types of people in the world — those who crave closure

There are two types of people in the world — those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

There are only 10 kinds of people — those who understand binary and those who don't.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life — 1. Never tell everything you know.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

That woman is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
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More One-Liner Puns

Since last week's post was longer than usual, this week's is much shorter.

WARNING — don't read this unless you are free to have the occasional LOL, or at least to groan loudly.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

I'd like to pun about philosophy, but I Kant.

My skiing skills are really going downhill.

I don't enjoy computer jokes — not one bit.

I just read an ad for a job inspecting mirrors. I could really see myself doing that.

If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?

I heard a song today about tortillas. Is that what they call wrap music?

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A shotgun wedding is a matter of wife or death.

I wanted to bring a penguin home but my parents said that wasn't going to fly.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I usually avoid funerals. I'm just not a mourning person.

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date. It was OK.

As a career choice, pyrotechnics sparks my interest.
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