ivman's blague

My wife Becka and I have been talking about going to a Greenville Drive baseball game for a long time, but we just haven’t done it. After finding out in choir practice at church Sunday afternoon that my young friend Dan was going to be singing the national anthem at Monday night’s game, Becka and I talked about it half seriously in spite of being crazy busy. At the last minute Monday afternoon we decided we’d go to that game. (Such spontaneity, huh?!) Dan did a great job! (I knew he would because you know what the person who sits beside you in choir sounds like.)

There were a lot of things we enjoyed about our evening and a few things we could have lived nicely without, but all in all, it was a fun evening! One of the fun things was reading the slogans on the t-shirts people were wearing. Some of the t-shirts were among the things we could live nicely without, but some were clever and hilarious.

Here are some funny slogans from t-shirts. I also found some pictures of t-shirts online and add them to the mix.

Volunteering: It doesn’t pay

Camping is in-tents!

South Korea’s got Seoul

You Have the Right to Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up!

I’d Kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I’m Not Cynical - Just Experienced

Shin: A Device for Finding Furniture in the Dark

Out of My Mind - Will Be Back Shortly

If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off (on the back of a biker’s t-shirt)

I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We’re OK Now

Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen

First National Bank of Dad - Sorry, Closed

In Dog Years, I’m Dead

Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It’ll Be a Great Trade

It’s Hard to Be Nostalgic When You Can’t Remember Anything

Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off

I’m Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well

Your Village Called - Their Idiot Is Missing

No, I’m Not on Steroids, But Thanks for Asking

I Am a Bomb Technician; If You See Me Running, You Should Keep Up

For Every Action, There Is an Equal and Opposite Government Program

I Don’t Suffer From Insanity - I Enjoy Every Minute of It

Nice Perfume - Must You Marinate In It?

I Hate Golf, I Hate Golf, I Hate Golf, NICE SHOT, I Love Golf…

Nobody Knows I’m Elvis

Those Who Live by the Sword Get Shot by Those Who Don’t

You Have the Right to Remain Silent - Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted, Then Used Against You

Actually, I Am a Rocket Scientist!

Blessed Are They Who Can Laugh at Themselves, for They Shall Never Cease to Be Amused

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

I Got to Vietnam Before McDonald’s Did

I’d Quit This Job But I Need the Sleep

The Secret: Find an Age You Like and Stick to It!

I Am Not a Pack Rat - I Am a Collector

Today Was a Total Waste of Makeup

I’m Your Father, Not an ATM

I Got This Shirt When I Turned 40. I HATE This Shirt!

Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups

Yes, It’s Lonely at the Top - But I Eat a Lot Better Than You

I Chose the Road Less Traveled - Now Where in the World Am I?

The Weather Is Here - Wish You Were Beautiful!

And You’re Telling Me This Because…

Don’t Make Me Put My Hand on My Hip

I Can Fix Anything - Where’s the Duct Tape?

I’m Only Wearing Black Until They Find Something Darker

My Cat Kneads Me

Dad Knows a Lot, But Grandpa Knows EVERYTHING!

I’m Dressed and Out of Bed - What More Do You Want?

You’re Just Jealous Because the Little Voices Are Talking to Me

Now I Know Why Some Animals Eat Their Young!

You Non-Conformists Are All Alike

If All the World’s a Stage, I Want Better Lighting

Our Lady of Perpetual Mood Swings

Below is a t-shirt slogan that I wanted to display larger so that the detail is more visible.

I never quite know what to wear when an invitation to an event calls for “dressy casual.” This t-shirt seems to be just the thing for such an occasion….

Our daughter Nora loves t-shirts. Here’s a picture of her and her friend Beth in front of their world view classroom map of Europe. They have t-shirts to go with the theme. (For any readers who don’t know her, Nora’s the one on the right.)

If you’d like to read more t-shirt slogans, you can find them on my pre-blog archives at http://ivman.com/tshirts.html

Have you seen any great t-shirt slogans lately? Please add a comment and tell us what you saw.

quotation…

“Today we worship the earth and deny its Creator exists.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow!

Tags: art, one-liners, t-shirts

Here’s the second installment of blonde humor. Today’s “iv” is a list of Q & A about blondes and some blond one-liners…

Standard DISCLAIMER: Not all blondes are airheads, and not all airheads are blonde!

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair another color?
A: Artificial intelligence

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch ‘n sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool

Q: Why did the blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate

Q: What do you call a blonde with a yellow balloon?
A: Twins

Q: Why do blondes like to wear a pony tail?
A: To hide the air valve stem.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: How can you tell that a fax you’ve received is from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why don’t blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can’t fit 2 quarts of water in the little packet

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: Look! They spelled MACYS wrong!

Q: What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oooo! Look! Donut seeds!

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blonde’s eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear

Q: Why did the blonde not like her new AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A: They all drowned in spring training.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side

Q: What do you call a long line of blondes standing shoulder to shoulder?
A: A wind tunnel

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There’s Wite-out on the screen.

Q: How do you know that a blonde has been working too long at the computer?
A: There’s handwriting over the Wite-Out.

Q: Why does a blonde put TGIF on her shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing ?
A: She was run over by the Zamboni machine.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side ?
A: An interpreter

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes ?
A: A mental block

Q: What’s the Blonde’s Cheer?
A: I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B-L-O-N- … uh ….

Q: Why does a blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can’t do it - they keep breaking the bulbs with hammers.

Q: What happened to the blonde coyote?
A: It got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and was still stuck.

Q: What goes VROOM… SCREECH… VROOM… SCREECH… VROOM… SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light

Q: Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: Her blinker was on.

Q: What do you call the skeleton of a blonde found in a closet?
A: The winner of hide-and-seek

Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She’d just blow-dried her hair and she didn’t want it to get messed up too much.

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like crazy … she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been confirmed sightings of UFO’s.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Like, I dunno!

Q: What did the blonde say as the sod truck passed her?
A: When I’m rich, I’m gonna have my lawn sent out to be mowed too.

Q: How do a blonde’s brain cells die?
A: Alone

Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Give her a bottle of shampoo that says “Lather, rinse, repeat.”

Q: What did the blonde do when she wanted a personalized license plate?
A: She changed her name to “ZRF 542″.

Q: How do blondes count?
A: 1, 2, 3, another, another, another….

Q: What do you see when you look deep into a blonde’s eyes ?
A: The back of her head

Q: What do you call a blonde standing in the middle of the empty room?
A: Central air

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: Five - one to make the dough and four to peel the M&M’s

Q: Why did the blonde get run over by a compact car?
A: She thought it was a big car far away.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change

Q: What happens when two blondes are walking down the road and the first blonde says, “Quick! Look at that dog with one eye!”?
A:The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a grocery cart?
A: A grocery cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What happens when a redhead exclaims to a blonde, “Oh, how sad - a dead bird!”
A: The blonde looks up and says, “Where?”

***
Lest we automatically assume upon hearing a blonde joke that the blond is a female….

HE was so blond that…
- he got stabbed in a shoot-out
- he told me to meet him at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”
- he tried to put his M&M’s in alphabetical order
- he sat on the TV and watched the couch
- he tried to drown a fish
- when he got locked in a grocery store, he starved to death
- they had to burn the school down to get him out of third grade
- under “education” on his job application, he put “Hooked On Phonics”
- he tripped over a cordless phone
- he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept
- he asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
- it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if he spoke his mind, he’d probably be speechless
- he studied for a blood test
- and failed
- he thought Meow Mix was a recording for cats
- he sold the car for gas money
- when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved
- he thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when he missed the 44 bus, he took the 22 bus twice instead

quotation…

“Grace takes care of the if only’s of life.” - Dr. Thurmond Wisdom

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Some people wouldn’t know an act of kindness if it hit them in the face!

Tags: airheads, blondes, one-liners

today’s instant vacation…

I’ve received some lists of one-liner puns, which I’ve compiled for your enjoyment.

A baker’s job is crumby, but he kneads the dough.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A Christmas sign from a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Christmas sign in a bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

A Christmas sign on a reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A good pun is its own reword.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

A lot of money is tainted - ‘taint yours and ‘taint mine.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

An optometrist fell into a lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

A short fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the “herd shot ’round the world.”

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Does a backward poet write inverse?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. Shocking!

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

He went to a seafood disco last week … and pulled a mussel.

His wife really likes to make pottery, but to him it’s just kiln time.

If someone doesn’t pay his exorcist, does he get repossessed?

If you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it; so they gave me the axe.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli when a strong currant pulled him in.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho

Two blondes walk into a building. You’d think at least one of them would have seen it

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

Where there’s a will, there’s a lawsuit.

Which is worse - Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

You soon find out that a revolving charge is the kind of credit that keeps your interest up.

***
ivman update…

Starting with this iv, my iv’s will no longer go out by email. Instead I will post them here on the blog and also in the iv archives.

quotation…

“Our daily existence proves that we are not lawkeepers, but lawbreakers.” - Dan Brooks

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob Loach in Greenville SC

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Tags: one-liners, puns