Posts Tagged ‘one-liners’

Does the name Will Rogers mean anything to you? The older you are, the more likely it is that you will remember him as someone your parents and grandparents talked about, since he died in 1935. Though Will Rogers has been dead for that long, his wise cracks and folksy observations live on and are worth being repeated as often as they are.

He dropped out of school after the 10^th grade and often admitted that he regretted it. Yet, he never stopped learning. He became a popular radio broadcaster and published more than two million words in the six books and 4,000 syndicated newspaper columns he wrote. As much as he joked about government, he befriended presidents, senators, and kings. In fact, his son Will Rogers Jr. went on to become a congressman.

Will Rogers may be best known for his quotation, "I never met a man I didn't like," which he also wove into the epitaph he provided for himself:

When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: "I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like." I am so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved. And when you come to my grave you will find me sitting there, proudly reading it.

He made pithy comments and one-liners about government and government workers, lawyers, diplomats, and life itself that are still relevant today. At this time of primary elections here in the USA, I pass on some of my favorites:

Will Rogers quotations

"I was born on Nov. 4, which is election day.… My birthday has made more men and sent more back to honest work than any other day in the year."

"It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you."
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The week before final exams last semester, I did a blog post called "How to Fail a Test with Dignity," about some hilarious answers students have written on tests. One of my readers sent me an e-mail with more test questions and answers. I'm a little suspicious as to the authenticity of these for several reasons — none of the questions have a number in front of them, the font looks about the same on all the "tests," and the handwriting in several appears to be the same. Maybe the originator had a list of test questions and the answers given, and then tried to re-create them. Whatever, they are funny and I pass them on to you, my dear readers.

In one of the answers in the previous post, a students drew an elephant and said the object in the test question would not continue to move because an elephant was in the way. Another student tried to use that same dumb answer, but with even less success — the teacher noticed a missing (de)tail:

WARNING: As you continue to read this post, be sure you are somewhere where you can laugh out loud, in case some of these strike you really funny. These read almost like a series of one-liners.
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Do you remember a milkman bringing milk in glass bottles to your home? Milkmen were still doing that during my childhood in Fostoria, Ohio, the town where my wife and I grew up. My parents did not get our milk through the milkman, but my wife's parents did. She has vivid memories of going out to pet his horse and of the cardboard tops being pushed off milk bottles that had frozen on the doorstep.

Something I do remember was having a milk break during the morning in early elementary school. The milk came in little glass bottles and cost us two or three cents a day.

Here's a picture of such a milkman's cart of that era:

What I'm posting today is supposed to be notes left for milkmen in England, where milk is still being delivered to homes. I did some checking online to see if milkmen still deliver milk in England. Here is an excerpt of what I found at icons.org/uk

The early morning chink-chink of the milkman or woman and the hum of the electric float is declining in 21st-century England though – despite efforts to extend the range of products on offer to include eggs, bread, juice and more. Despite rumours to the contrary, there is no threat to UK milk deliveries from the European Union, but there might just be one from lack of domestic interest.

Notes left for milkmen in England

"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."
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There are some classic types of jokes that people either love or hate — puns, knock-knock jokes, elephant jokes, blonde jokes, light bulb jokes, Polack (or substitute the group of your choice) jokes, riddles, etc. Frankly there are some of those that I don't prefer personally. In today's blog post, I'm featuring why did the chicken cross the road? jokes.

Do you ever wonder how certain kinds of jokes ever got started? Here is some history of "why did the chicken cross the road?" jokes from Wikipedia:

The exact origin of the riddle is obscure. Its first known appearance in print occurred in 1847 in The Knickerbocker, a New York monthly magazine: ...There are 'quips and quillets' which seem actual conundrums, but yet are none. Of such is this: 'Why does a chicken cross the street?' Are you 'out of town?' Do you 'give it up?' Well, then: 'Because it wants to get on the other side!'

Here are some of my favorite replies to the question Why did the chicken cross the road?

Any kindergarten teacher: To get to the other side.

Sir Edmund Hilary: Because it is there.

Confucius: Chicken who cross road at 5pm get very flat.

Barack H. Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Dick Cheney: Did you say chicken? Where’s my gun?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with that chick.
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Did you hear that Michael Jackson has died?! I've had some fun lately asking friends and family that question, acting as if I had just heard the shocking news for the first time myself. With the almost non-stop news coverage about him and his family, you'd have to be living in a cave not to know that MJ has passed away! I have seen the comic strip below online attributed to John Campbell and also unattributed several places and hope you'll enjoy it.

That sums up fairly well 95% of the news updates we hear after the death this world's "heros."

Did you hear that our economy is struggling?! As you well know, the news is full of stories of bankruptcies, layoffs, and gloomy forecasts, all the while struggling to make it look as if Obama is delivering the hope and change he promised instead of making things worse. But if you've been hit hard personally by the economy, you don't need news coverage to tell you so. Because many people have been affected personally or have loved ones affected, I have not been asking people in jest whether they've heard that heard that the economy is in trouble, as I do with the death of Michael Jackson. That said, though, I did have to chuckle at a list of indicators I received recently from an ivman reader who teaches business at my university.

You know the economy is really bad when....

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

You got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

You went to buy a toaster oven and they gave you a bank.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Officials from the Obama administration meet with small businesses — GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup, and GM — to discuss the Stimulus Package.

Mothers in China are telling their children to clean their plates because children are starving in America.

McDonald's is selling the Quarter-Ouncer.

People in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and are learning the names of their own children.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on for you.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

The bank returns your check marked as "Insufficient Funds" and you call them to ask if they meant you or themselves.

What are you or those close to you doing differently because of the current economy? I'm sure your personal belt-tightening is more serious than the list above.

quotation...

"Self-interest is not necessarily selfishness." - Dr. Marty Marriott

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Things have gotten so bad that gold diggers are now marrying for love.

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