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Posts Tagged ‘one-liners’

Funny One-liners

Why do I end each blog post with a funny one-liner? It's a throwback to the days when my iv mailing was all done by e-mail, I would add a "sig line" (signature line) to the end of each e-mail after I signed off. I've been collecting one-liners for a while and thought it would be fun to do a whole blog post of (mostly) one-line bits of humor — basically a whole post of sig lines.

WARNING: Read this only if you are in a place where you are free to laugh out loud. Ok, you've been warned....

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was young.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

I would rather try to carry ten plastic grocery bags in each hand than to make two trips to bring in my groceries.

LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Marking the same letter three times or more in a row on a machine gradable test form is absolutely terrifying.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me. I will never again end a work email with the phrase "Regards."

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and then turn on the water.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, but wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
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Quotations from Our Presidents

Five Presidents 2008

Have you ever wondered what the conversation would be like if you could assemble all of our presidents, past and present, together in one place? The picture above is of the five living of our most recent presidents. I miss Reagan! Imagine the variety of opinions and philosophies just with those five alone!

Since this past Monday was Presidents' Day here in the USA, I thought I'd share some quotations I've assembled from some of our nations presidents. Some are humorous, but not all.

"Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder." — George Washington

"Washington, DC is 12 square miles bordered by reality." — Andrew Johnson

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." — Gerald Ford

"An amazing invention — but who would ever want to use one?" — Rutherford B. Hayes, sharing his thoughts about the telephone
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Are You What You Eat?

Some years back, there was an ad on TV for Nutri-Grain bars. The gist of the ad, without coming out and saying it in so many words, was — you eat it, you wear it! Or rather you are what you eat. The makers of the ad superimposed over various parts of people's anatomies some recognizable food items in a creative manner to illustrate their idea. One such person was a man with a donut around his waist trying and failing to get through a turnstile because of his donut. Another was a woman walking along with cinnamon rolls on her posterior. You can view the ad on YouTube. I've done a screen shot of the one segment I'm talking about for you to see below:

What does that have to do with today's blog post? Well, my German students have begun learning German irregular verbs. In German the third person one eats (man isst) sounds just like one is (man ist). Only when written are the verb forms distinguishable. I told my students to try to imagine the horror of learning that the person they were talking to is saying man isst, was man ist = you eat what you are, instead of the other way around. No German would say that, of course, since that would be advancing cannabilism. But in writing, spelling can be a life and death matter!

Back in 1998 when I was sending my "instant vacations" by e-mail, (see about page) I did an iv on cannibals. Of course, cannibalism is a deplorable practice, and there's nothing funny about what cannibals do. So the humor in these jokes lies in the puns and the other plays on words, rather than the topic itself. Please don't "chew me out" or "bite my head off" for posting these cannibal jokes. Just groan, delete, or cheerfully share them — how ever it is that you react. 🙂

Here goes....

A traveler met up with a cannibal who was practicing spear throwing at targets. The traveler noticed that the cannibal was very accurate no matter if he threw with his left or right hand. At seeing this the traveler thought out loud, "Boy, I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous like that." The cannibal turned quickly and said, "I'll take it!"
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Punny Books

I remember that as a child I loved puns on book titles and authors. I've been compiling punny book titles for a while and am ready to unleash them on my readers. Some of them are more easily understood when read out loud. WARNING: You may want to be sure you are reading this in a place where you are free to LOL, or at least to groan loudly.

Having been a good little library helper in junior high, I have arranged the list in alphabetical order by the author's last name. And now as a wiser adult, I have removed from the list inappropriate ones that amused me as a junior higher. 😳

Remember — you can't always judge a book by its cover and author!

Truancy by Marcus Absent

Positive Reinforcement by Wade Ago

I Didn't Do It! by Ivan Alibi

Nuclear Explosives by Adam Baum

Songs for Children by Barbara Blacksheep

Stop Arguing by Xavier Breath

Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel

Gas Guzzlers by Russ T. Carrburata

The Unsung Vegetable by R. T. Choke

Tickling Your Fancy by Kit G. Coo

French Overpopulation by Francis Crowded
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How’s Your Summer To-Do List Going?

With only four weeks remaining until our faculty in-service begins, I'm looking hard at my summer to-do list. I've already accomplished a lot this summer! There are many visible fruits of my labor in our yard and garden, and I have some indoor projects yet to be accomplished. However, much of what I've been doing won't be visible until the fall semester. My students should profit greatly from the PowerPoints I've been working on.

Earlier this summer one of my students put a picture out on his Facebook of a summer to-do list. I thought you might enjoy seeing the 12 items on this list. Some are more fun as mental images than as something people should actually ever consider doing! 🙂

Summer To-Do List

Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public

Wear shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on street corner.

Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
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