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Posts Tagged ‘one-liners’

Humerus Puns


The other day a reader sent me a list of puns I don't remember ever seeing. I found them humorous and thought they might tickle your funny bone too. Those who hate puns may have a bone to pick with me. Make no bones about it, though, some of these will make you laugh or groan out loud.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
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Are You Interested in Genealogies?


A few weeks ago when my aunt and I were talking on the phone, she told me she didn't know the first name of her maternal grandmother who had died long before my aunt was born. I looked in my family history folder, found a family tree my uncle had made when he was in school, and sent a copy of it to his sister, my aunt. It was interesting to see some of the names on that family tree. It brought back childhood memories of family reunions on my mom's side of the family with a lot of people I didn't know, but who somehow knew me.

As I looked through that folder, I found all sorts of interesting things I had forgotten about. I found a post card that my Grandpa Loach sent from Paris to my Grandma Loach who was still in Calais, France, right before he came back to the USA on a soldier ship after the end of World War I. The post card was written in English and I'm sure Grandma must have had to get help reading it. She did not come to the USA until some time later on a ship of French war brides. It was here that she began the task of learning English, and of unlearning the English Grandpa's soldier buddies had taught her! In that folder I also found the French document from my grandparents' marriage and some post cards Grandma's mother sent her after she had moved to America. Fascinating stuff, really!

Anyway, I looked in my digital files and found some great one-liners about genealogies, family trees, and family heritage that I'm posting for your amusement today.

Theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all related.

Many a family tree could use a good pruning.

I trace my family history so I will know whom to blame.

Can a first cousin, once removed, return?

I checked out my family tree, and just as I thought ... poison ivy!

I found three good definitions for the word genealogy:
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Adieu mademoiselle, bonjour madame!


On February 22, 2012, the French Prime Minister François Fillon declared that the word mademoiselle, the French equivalent of "Miss," has been banned from use in official French documents. Many years ago English-speaking countries adopted Ms. to replace both Mrs. and Miss. Germany dropped Fräulein and uses just Frau for all women. French feminists viewed two titles for women as a form of discrimination, pointing out that there is no "mondemoiseau" denoting the single marital status of males.

In a country where linguistic change comes extremely slowly, thanks to the Académie Française — the official French language police that dates all the way back to 1635 — this change is huge! For the time being, it is only on an official, administrative level, but surely the shift will trickle down over time. Here's an example of the three categories of marital status on a non-governmental form.

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Things You Wish You’d Hear


picture of an ear

Every day we hear all sorts of things — good, bad, and some things downright ugly. I hear many things I wish I hadn't heard, and unfortunately I miss some things that I really should have heard, but didn't.

Today's iv is a starter list of things I would love to hear some time, but probably won't. It's a "starter list" because I hope my readers will add to this list in the comments.

Things you wish you'd hear...

From a telemarketing person:
I'm sorry, did I reach you at a bad time? Here's my number... just call me back when you'd like to hear my sales pitch.

I understand that you are not interested. Thank you for your time.

Click (Them hanging up)

From your boss:
You look tired today. Take the rest of the day off.

The company offered me a 25% raise, but I told them that you deserved it more than I do.

From your auto mechanic:
That part is much less expensive than I thought.

I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do.

You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street.

It was just a loose wire. No charge.

(I have actually heard some of those things from my mechanic! What a great guy!)
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Why Wear a Plain T-Shirt?


picture of plain t-shirt

With the official end of fall later this week, I thought I'd post something that would be a farewell to summer. With the hot weather of summer, one of people's favorite things to wear out and about is t-shirts. And with t-shirts come some great t-shirt sayings!

Here are some more humorous things you could wear on a t-shirt wear instead of sporting just a plain one.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

I recycle — I wore this shirt yesterday

What part of Eelymosynary Ratiocination do you not understand?

Voted class of 2057's most likely to travel back in time

I wish the buck stopped here — I could use a few

I cannot be cloned without the express written permission of Major League Baseball

I'm donating my body to science fiction

(seen on a 3-year-old) My mom calls me No! No! But my grandma calls Me Sweetie
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