ivman's blague

As I was looking through my files, trying to decide what to post, I ran across something I thought most of my readers will not have seen how two people look at the one remaining parachute.

The Parachute Paradigm

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane, and there’s only one parachute. Here’s how you would handle the situation if you were a member of one of the following professions or philosophical outlooks…

Pessimist - you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway.

Optimist - you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes like this before.

Procrastinator - you play a game of Monopoly - the winner gets the parachute.

Bureaucrat - you order a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer - you agree to handle a lawsuit against the airline for a fee of one parachute.

Doctor - you tell your fellow traveler that you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make it to your next appointment.

Sales executive - you sell the parachute to your fellow traveler at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service - you confiscate the parachute along with your fellow traveler’s luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer - you make another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist - you give your fellow traveler the parachute and ask him to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician - you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher - you ask how one can know that the parachute actually exists.

English major - you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Linguist - you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Computer Scientist - you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Economist - you plot a demand curve by asking your fellow traveler, at regular intervals, how much he would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalyst - you ask your fellow traveler what the shape of a parachute reminds him of.

Actor - you tie your fellow traveler down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute, before trying to find a stunt man to jump out for you at the last possible moment.

Artist - you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican - as you jump out with the parachute, you tell your fellow traveler to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat - you extract a dollar from your fellow traveler to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian - after reminding your fellow traveler of his constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

Ross Perot - you tell your fellow traveler not to worry, since it won’t take you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General - you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers - you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

Environmentalist - you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Auto Mechanic - you immediately start to look at the plane engine since, as long as you are looking at it, it works fine.

***
The Modern Language Department plays went very well Saturday evening. I was particularly proud of my students in the French play. Their hard work was evident, and everyone seemed to enjoy our play. Below is a picture of the cast members and directors of the three plays. Most of those involved with the French play are in the top row.

Here’s the cast of the French play. What a fun group!

quotation…

“The gospel is about what God has done. … The gospel rescues those who know they can’t make it.” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Tags: death, French, lawyers, planes, points of view

Flying is such an interesting and unpredictable experience! We heard all sorts of inanities over loud speakers, and much of it sounded as if the person making the announcements was none other than Charlie Brown’s teacher! Wa-wa-wa…. Anyway, here are a few things you would *not* want to hear on a plane.

Things you don’t want to hear on an airplane

1. On an ocean crossing flight: “This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.”

2. “Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.”

3. “Our sudden loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airlines new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing expedition.”

4. “Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock … He’s hot on our tail! … Eject! Eject!”

5. As the plane turns around right after takeoff: “… uhhhhh … We have to go back. … We… We… uhhhhhh …forgot something….”

6. “Ummmmmm … Sorry, everybody ….” (silence)

7. “To the passengers on the right-hand side of the plane, I’m sure you’ve noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.”

8. “Fasten your seatbelts!” (Spoken in the same tone that a friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in a car.)

9. “This is your captain speaking. These planes are a lot different from the ships I’m used to … so please give me some leeway if this flight doesn’t go to well.”

10. “It would be a good idea right now if everyone would close the shades and watch the inflight movie.”

11. “We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … oh, stink!”

12. “Aww, I can’t figure out how to turn this thing off and don’t worry - that gauge is always on ‘E’.”

13. “Stewardess, would you please bring four parachutes to the front cabin.”

***
personal update…

Last evening we arrived safe and sound here on the island where we’ll be teaching for the next three weeks. Our classes begin Monday morning. The departure of our flight from Chicago to Beijing was delayed by 7 hours, as we awaited the arrival of another plane since the one we were supposed to go on had mechanical problems. We spent a “pleasant day” reading, dozing, and strolling around O’Hare airport. Once we were on board, our departure was delayed by yet another hour because a passenger was ill. Since he had to be taken off the plane, they also had to find and remove his checked-in luggage from the luggage compartment. So, instead of arriving in Beijing at 2:30 p.m., we arrived at 10:30 p.m. Long couple of days…. But by arriving so late in the day,we basically breezed through customs and finally arrived at our hotel at about midnight. My thanks to those of you who prayed about the ear problems I’d been having. PTL, no problems at all on any of the three flights. After a nice breakfast Friday morning, we took a 10-minute walk to Tiananmen Square. Our flight left for Hainan right on time. The plane was crowded and hot, but punctual. Friends met us at the airport with smiles and waves, and we were taken to the apartment where we’ll be for several days until another becomes available. It did not take us long to remember how tropical it is here! Phew! Today’s heat index is supposed to be 110 degrees F with *lots* of humidity.

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Rob

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of an airplane?

Tags: China, geography, planes, travel