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Posts Tagged ‘police’

7,000 Words


Two weeks of classes, then exam week. We're all in need of prayer right now, students and teachers alike.

I have received or spotted several funny pictures or comic strips lately that I thought I'd put together as a blog post with few words. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then this post is worth 7,000 words.

For some of you old-timers who remember the old black and white TV series with Jackie Gleason called "The Honeymooners"....

(For the sake of you "young things"... Ralph Kramden always said to his wife Alice, "One of these days ... one of these days ... POW, right in the kisser! Bang, zoom, straight to the moon!")

In case you cannot read the note above, it says, "Please clear any unused time off the microwave when you are finished. Some of us have O.C.D. and leftover time drives us crazy. Thanks!"

Here's a comic strip in honor of April 15 - the Ides of April....

How can fellow employees ever compete with the "Employee of the Month" pictured below?

Here's a clever ad....

Is it a bug or a feature?

Someone spotted a scene too good not to capture on camera....

quotation...

"Discontent is the penalty we must pay for being ungrateful for what we have." - unknown

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Hunt for the good points in other people. Remember, they have to do the same in your case.


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Airhead Jokes


picture of bullet hole

(Phew! I just dodged another bullet!) Several months back I posted some blonde jokes. A blonde friend asked me to please cool it for a while with the blonde jokes! Figuring there might be others who felt the same way and just hadn't expressed their sentiments to me, I honored her plea. Please, don't shoot me! Actually, if you looked at the pictures of me mentioned above, you will see that I am becoming somewhat of a platinum blond myself. Hence, lately I'm a bit more sensitive myself to humor about those with lighter hair.

As a result, today's jokes are about airheads instead....

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A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering for airheads where his hostess broached a subject with which the doctor was quite at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question would you ask, Doctor?"

"Well, I might ask, "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The airhead thought for a moment, then said with a nervous laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

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There are two women getting ready to leave for work. The first one gets in the driver's seat and her airheaded friend gets in the passenger's seat. The drivers says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the airhead, "So, do you see any cops?"

The airhead replies, "Yes." The driver says, "Are they behind us?" "Yes." "Are they close?" "Yes." "Are they going to stop us?" "I don't know." "Well, are their lights on?" "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

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A airhead was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the airhead asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the airhead sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular black, two regular with cream, and two decafs with sugar.

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picture of bullet hole
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so an airheaded woman went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," said the sheriff, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but I guess she's right technically."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the airhead supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The airhead looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute, and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for awhile?"

So, the airhead wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The airhead was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

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The other day I was in the local auto part store. An airhead came in and asked for a seven ten cap.

We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked?

I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick.

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter.

What does it do?," we asked.

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter were looking at it upside down as she wrote it...and they just fell down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.

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An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell me your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward question to break the ice. "And can you tell me your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics - something she won't have to count, measure, or look up. "Uh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

She bobs her airy head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Jenny!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing after I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear....'"

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Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the airheaded employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The airheaded girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

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An airhead named Barbara is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The following exchange takes place:

Regis: Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left - phone a friend. The next question will give you a million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 - are you ready?

Barbara: Sure, I'll have a go at it.

Regis: Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...
A. Robin
B. Sparrow
C. Cuckoo
D. Thrush.
Remember Barbara it's worth one million dollars.

Barbara: I think I know who it ... but I'm not 100%.... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend, Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: I'll phone my friend Carol back home in Brooklyn. (ringing)

Carol (also an airhead): Hello...

Regis: Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to a million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Barbara.

Barbara: Carol, which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it:
A. Robin
B. Sparrow
C. Cuckoo
D. Thrush

Carol: Oh, Barbara, that's simple! It's a Cuckoo.

Barbara: You think so?

Carol: I'm sure.

Barbara: Thanks, Carol. (hangs up)

Regis: Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the million, Barbara?

Barbara: I want to play, I'll go with C. Cuckoo.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Barbara: It is.

Regis: Are you confident?

Barbara: Yes, fairly, Carol may be an airhead, but she's a real wiz about some things.

Regis: Barbara ... you had $500,000 and you said C. Cuckoo ... you're right! You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.

(clapping)

That night Barbara goes to Carol's to celebrate. Barbara turns to Carol and asks, "Tell me Carol, how in the world did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Carol: Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.

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A young man wanted to get his beautiful, yet airheaded wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She was all excited, she loved her phone. He showed her and explained to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the wife went shopping. Her phone rang and it was her husband. "Hi, Hon!" he said. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replied, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asked the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

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Airhead's Cook Book

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (Oh, boy... for some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.)

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT, DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

A policeman is interrogating three airheads who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first airhead a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first airhead answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well ... uh ... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second airhead and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second airhead giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third airhead and in a very irritated voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

She looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm ... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer ... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the airhead replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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For those of you who don't already know, I let my beard grow for the first three weeks of my Christmas break. At the end of that time, I decided to shave it off. Although several people have said they're disappointed that I've shaved off my beard, I've had far more people tell me that I look better or younger without it. Several have outright *thanked* me for shaving it off, saying they're glad they don't have to look at me with the beard and try to overlook it! For those who didn't get to see me with the beard and would like to, at the top of my blog, I've put back the picture of me looking out over the city of Paris. (Psst! ...whisper... For the sake of the gullible, that's not really me up there - unfortunately I didn't get to Paris over the holidays!) I did put pictures of me with my beard in a comment to a recent blog post. You can see them by clicking here. I've chosen as my new motto, "Beautifying America, one shave at a time."

quotation...

"Whenever I think I've arrived, I'm just fooling myself." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


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Yer Not from Here…


our accident... (a little long, but worth the read)

Our son-in-law Jim had to leave Greenville Sunday to get back to Detroit for work on Monday, but Megan and Drew stayed with us for a couple of extra days to visit since Becka and I were able to drive them back home this week. We left Tuesday morning and drove as far as Lexington, KY, where I'd made hotel reservations. Wednesday we drove the rest of the way up to Detroit, with a short stop at my mom's house so she could see how much little Drew has grown.

We arrived back at Jim and Megan's house, unpacked, got settled, and cleaned up a little bit. Then we headed to Rackham golf course to watch the fireworks. The fireworks were absolutely fabulous! We were a little concerned about Drew as to whether he would be afraid of all the noise, especially since he was beginning to be a little fussy right before the display began. We were astonished to see, not only that he stopped being fussy, but also that he was fascinated with the fireworks. He watched them with rapt attention throughout the entire half hour display! He is really noticing things, some of which keep his attention for quite a while. Below is a picture of Drew looking intently at something....

Drew looking intently

Below is a picture of what he's watching....

Drew's mobile

The mobile plays the Michigan fight song - train up a child in the way he should go....

After the fireworks ended, we headed for home. On the way, we had a second set of fireworks - a divine appointment with an object in the road. As I drove along I-696 at 70 m.p.h. in heavy traffic at 11:00 p.m., I spotted something in the lane ahead of me. With cars on both sides and with little lead time to react, I hit what I later learned was something made of concrete. We heard and felt a loud boom under the car. I looked at my rearview mirror and from the light of the headlights in cars behind me, I saw what looked like smoke spewing from the back of our car. Megan and the baby were in the back seat. She said right away, "Dad, I smell gasoline." I changed lanes and pulled off ASAP! I said, "Megan, get Drew, and we'll all run. This car may ignite!" We ran up the embankment and away from the car. I called 911 right away and reported what had happened, stressing to them especially that we were all fine with no injuries.

Fairly soon a fire truck, an ambulance, and a police car arrived. They took Becka, Megan, and Drew right away to the ambulance to wait while I talked with all the emergency personnel. Since the car had not started to burn yet, it was unlikely that it would. So a fireman looked under it briefly to see what was wrong. He could tell that things were hanging down, the gas tank was punctured, and transmission fluid was leaking out. He called a wrecker to come tow the car. The police told me that ours was one of a string of cars that had hit that concrete in the road since they'd seen others pulled off the road on his way to get to us. They don't know exactly what it was or where it came from, but other policemen communicated that they had been able to pull it off to the shoulder of the road. The officer said I was in no way at fault in the "accident" - I'll explain why the quotation marks later.

Jim was still at work at Rackham when the rest of us left the fireworks, but when he got Meg's call, he came ASAP to help rescue us. He took the other three home, while I rode in the wrecker to the car shop where Jim has his repairs done. Jim met me there after dropping the others off.

This morning I took my car keys to the service station after Jim called to explain why the car was there. When I got there the man in charge said that he had looked under the car in the meantime and said that the damage was pretty extensive. I appreciated his honesty when he told me I really needed to take it to a Ford dealership to have the work done. He said, "You're very fortunate that the car didn't ignite from what I could see under there!" I had heard the same thing several times last night from emergency workers. We all thought of that family whose van burst into flame after they hit something in the road.

Earlier in this blog post I referred to our adventure as an "accident" - that's what we people normally call such incidents. But the Lord was unquestionably in control, and we have so many things to thank Him for! He allowed me to drive the car off the road safely, and He kept it from igniting and exploding. This happened within a few miles from Megan and Jim's house rather than anywhere along the 700 mile stretch we had just traveled. We could go on and on enumerating how gracious the Lord has been to us in all of this. I've been able to share His goodness with people I would never have met otherwise, and with anyone who reads this online.

We're hoping and praying that the insurance adjuster will be able to look at the car early on Friday. If not, nothing else will begin to happen until next week. Not that we're complaining about having to spend more time with our family here! 😎 But we really do have responsibilities back home that are awaiting us and loved ones there to be with too. Plus it will be nice to know if the car is totalled or not so that we know what step to take next. We trust the One who has superintended thus far, knowing He will expedite all these details in His good timing. He is totally worthy of our trust!!! We would appreciate your prayers in our behalf.

One of the things we have been looking forward to during our time in the Detroit area this week is to attend the 25th reunion of one of the classes for whom I was class sponsor when I taught high school up here way back in the last millenium. We're looking forward to seeing many of the class members who will be there, to meeting their spouses, and to seeing several former colleagues who will be in attendance on Friday evening. I'll have to update you on this in my next blog post. I'm sure you can expect something about aging - these "kids" are now about 42 or 43 years old! They're 12 or 13 years older than I was when I was their class sponsor. Yikes!

I was looking through my files to find something appropriate for our current situation. We have commented several times today how nice the firemen, EMT personnel, and policemen were last night, the 4th of July - a night when there was probably already much going on that demanded their attention. They were so kind and helpful! The story below is funny, and we hope it won't be our experience as this latest saga in our lives continues to unfold.

Yer not from here, are ya?

The owner of an old-fashioned corner grocery store in a small country town was fond of quoting a Scripture verse after each sale. He had three old friends that would sit around a pot-bellied stove, playing checkers on a faded board. His ability to produce a Scripture verse for all occasions never ceased to amuse the old timers, and they would listen to see what verse he would come up with relevant to the sale made.

A lady purchased some material and he said, "She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands."

When a man bought a sack of flour, he said, "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God."

A little child came in and bought some candy and he said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven."

It was nearly closing time when the chimes over the door jangled loudly. A well dressed young man entered, obviously a stranger from one of the larger towns down the road. "Help you?" offered the proprietor.

"I need a blanket for my horse," said the man. "He's out in his trailer, and it's too cold for him without a blanket. Bring me the nicest one you've got!"

The store owner went in the back store room and came back with a brown blanket. "That'll be five dollars."

"Five dollars? You've got to be kidding!' said the man. "This horse is a thoroughbred. He gets only the best! He wouldn't stand still for an old five dollar blanket."

Without comment, the store owner took back the blanket, then merely selected a different color and brought it out. "This one's $25 dollars."

"Now, look," said the young man. "Perhaps I didn't make myself plain. This isn't just any old horse! He's worth thousands! Now I want the best, most expensive blanket you've got! Comprende?"

The owner once more went into the store room, pulled out another color of the same material and brought it back. "This is the only one left, and it's $100."

"Now that's more like it!" exclaimed the man enthusiastically as he paid. Throwing the five dollar blanket over his shoulder, he left.

The old timers stared silently at the shopkeeper as they waited to see what possible Scripture he could come up with for that sale!

Going behind the register, he rang up the hundred dollars and said, "I was a stranger and you took me in."

quotation...

(This rings especially true to us!)
"Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't." - Richard Bach

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

A woman who is in assisted living with my mother said something to us the other day that I thought I'd share with you....

"Europe is a nice place to visit, but I sure wouldn't want to have to dust it!" - Joan


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Police Comments


I know several police officers, and my hat goes off to them and their colleagues for doing what *has* to be one of the most difficult and dangerous jobs in the world. I am thankful that there are people who are willing to be police officers to protect the rest of us from much evil that would run rampant in society without them. I've recently received an email with a list of comments made by police to individuals who were being stopped for one reason or another. I've tried to verify the comments on snopes.com but found nothing to say whether they are real.

The following police comments were supposedly taken from actual police car videos around the country:

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you *another* ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

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Wow, huh?! At least amid what seem like some rather harsh comments, I do detect a note of ironic, if not sarcastic, humor.

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ivman update...

Since the iv's are basically "archived" here on the blog, I will not be updating the iv archives. For those who haven't visited the archives, the tab at the top of this page will take you to four years' worth of iv's, in chronological order.

quotation...

"God sometimes deals with us by letting our sins deal with us." - Dr. Stephen Jones

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Gene Police: "YOU... Out of the pool!"


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Let’s Hear It for Diversity!


I don't often post humor with a religious theme, but I received a joke recently that made me laugh out loud. I thought I'd send it along with several others. I'll start off with one that is very politically correct.

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A minister, a rabbi, and a priest are sitting together in a coffee shop. The rabbi says, "So a guy, and another guy, and another guy walk into a place, see...."

(Several people have commented that they didn't catch the humor in the joke above. The humor is that it's *so* politically correct that all the humor is gone. Now *that's* funny! To avoid the same thing in the next two jokes, I'll risk being politically *in*correct....)

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A fleeing Al-Qaeda guerilla who had run out of water was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "ACH! Israel should not even exist! I do not *need* an overpriced tie. I *need* water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie or that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away and eventually disappeared over the hill.

Hours later he staggered back, near collapse. He gasped out, "You didn't tell me your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"

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A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no one that would remotely fit that description.

"A priest, ... PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man is lying on the sidewalk. He kneels down, leans over the injured man, and says in a solemn voice,

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72...."

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Not much is new here. We're enjoying the cooler fall weather and are not too anxious for winter to arrive. 😎 School is plenty busy. I guess the semester is far enough along that it's time for tests. My students have commented that it seems to be in almost all their classes this week, unfortunately.

quotation...

"More important than the exercise of my legitimate freedom is the benefit of others and the glory of God." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry at my criticism, he is a mile away and barefoot.


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