ivman's blague

Although it’s already July 15 in France at the time I’m posting this in the USA, the French spent the 14th celebrating Bastille Day. It was fun to hear from several of my students today who wanted to wish me a Happy Bastille Day. My wife and I have actually been in France several times on the 14th of July and have seen the parade in Paris, jets overhead trailing blue, white, and red smoke, and in the evening fireworks in the distance. If they’re anything, the French are creative in their celebrations!

In honor of the day, I’m posting something vaguely reminiscent of French. Do you ever feel as if you’ve heard the expression déjà vu before? It’s the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now.

For you francophones out there, if you feel as if you’ve read the following before, that would be déjà lu.

When I feel as if I’ve…

…milked this cow before - déjà moo

…seen this strange animal before - déjà gnu

…smelled this bad odor before - déjà phew

…visited this menagerie before - déjà zoo

…scared this person away before - déjà … BOO!

…read this mystery book before - déjà clue

…been in this courtroom before - déjà sue

…felt this bad before - déjà rue

…felt this sad before - déjà blue

…expanded this way before - déjà grew

…seen this slime before - déjà goo

…learned this stuff before - déjà knew

…waited in line before - déjà queue

…eaten this dinner before - déjà stew

…pursued this person before - déjà woo

…had this feeling of déjà vu before - déjà too

…seen these twins before - déjà two

…been on this airplane before - déjà flew

…came up with this innovation before - déjà new

…fed these pigeons before - déjà coo

…sketched this portrait before - déjà drew

…been in this Starbucks before - déjà brew

…ended this relationship before - déjà through

…felt this ill before - déjà flu

…sheared this sheep before - déjà ewe

…munched on this gum ball before - déjà chew

…lost its match under the same bed before - déjà shoe

…exposed the real facts before - déjà true

…sat through this sermon before - déjà pew

…played in this wet grass before - déjà dew

…admired this scenery before - déjà ooooo…

…forgotten this person’s name before - déjà who?

Do any of you have an actual déjà vu experience you’d like to share?

***
I’ve put up a new poll in the sidebar about my blog itself.

quotation…

“Hope attaches itself to the future and is the certainty of what will be.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Tags: France, holidays, language, puns

chickadee update…

All six of the eggs have hatched. Below is a picture I took late Tuesday afternoon. You can see at least two heads sticking out from under the mama.

Wednesday afternoon I got a glimpse of all six babies without the mama.

The chickadee’s eggs are really tiny. They measure 14.8 mm X 11.5 mm (about the size of a jelly bean). Since the mother sits tightly on the nest, I was never able to get a picture of the babies when they first started hatching. I found this picture of some on line.

***
After thinking about such puny things as these baby birds, I received the following comic strip by e-mail today.

And that’s exactly what you are in for!

Anyway, my thoughts went from puny things to punny things. What can I say? I’m an incorrigible punster! And as my wife would say, “Do NOT incorrige!”

***
Migration: A headache birds get when they fly to their winter home.

They are a perfect match - she’s a real estate broker, and he has a lot to offer.

The dynamite salesman became an underground operative, but he blew his cover.

Q: What do you get when you cross a werewolf with a ceramicist?
A: A hairy potter.

New invention - a pencil with erasers at both ends! It sounds pointless to me.

I am reading the most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I knew a girl who went to beauty college and flunked cosmetics. Fortunately they let her take a make up exam.

***
The boss placed the following sign above the sink in the men’s room:

THINK!

The next day when he went to the men’s room, he saw that someone had posted a sign beside the soap dispenser:

THOAP!

***
quotation…

“Ungodliness is the failure to worship God as God.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it “the herd that was shot around the world.”

Tags: birds, puns

It’s been a while since I posted some puns (perhaps not long enough for some people). Anyway, for those who enjoy puns, these ought to bring forth some satisfying groans.

In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for “Si,” and twice for “No.”

After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became … the world’s first “Si” and “Aye” dog!

***
A supportive friend brought a woman into the hospital. This poor woman was so cross-eyed that her tears ran down her back. After some time, the doctor came back out to the woman’s friend who immediately asked him, “You couldn’t do anything for her, could you?”

The doctor replied, “Yes, indeed. We treated her for bacteria.”

***
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. With quick reflexes, he reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am sooo sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Please, let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” He accepts her offer, and they enjoy a wonderful dinner together.

Afterwards the guy is amazed! “You know,” he says, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”

***
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup. “I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.

“What makes you say that?” asks Quasimodo.

“I don’t know,” the doctor replies. “It’s just a hunch.”

***
speaking of Quasimodo…

A Tale of Two Campanologists

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!” “No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face sure rings a bell.”

{Stop groaning, there’s more….}

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, “Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition. As the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?” the first breathlessly asked, “Who is this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

***
chickadee update…

Last evening I was able to peek into the bird house while the mama was gone - six little eggs….

quotation…

“Live as if today were the day Jesus will return, yet make long-range plans.” - Dr. Myron Houghton

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

As she hears the wedding march, three items in the ceremony are foremost in a bride’s mind — aisle, altar, hymn.

Tags: birds, language, music, puns

Since many people know I’m a French teacher, they send me a lot of French-related news and humor. I’ve decided to post one of those news items to my blog today. Prepare yourself - this is pretty shocking!

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After much careful planning, he craftily got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas!

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh.”

This is Rob again. Hope that wasn’t too painful for those of you who aren’t into puns. I received what I’m posting today by e-mail from several people. I think none of them thought I would have De Gaulle

to post this on my blog, but I figured after everything else I’ve posted, what have I got Toulouse?

Many here in the US are enjoying a nice break from global warming recently with absolutely frigid temps. It’s supposed to get down into the teens here tonight! I know for some of you, that would be a nice spring day, but for those of us here in South Carolina, that is very cold!

For those of you who receive my blog posts by e-mail, any pictures that I include in blog posts should come through in the e-mail version. Some people have to click on something in their e-mail to make the images load. Sometimes that is found in a little bar at the very top of the e-mail - it all depends on the e-mail program you’re using. In the last week or so, I have also inserted a couple of video clips into my blog posts - one of tractor square dancing and another of a man singing the song I mentioned in my last blog post. In order to view those, you must go to the blog. You can do that by clicking on the words “latest post to ivman’s blague” or on the title of that blog post - both of those links are in the body of the e-mail message.

quotation…

“If heaven wouldn’t be heaven without God, how can this life be good without Him?” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Tags: art, French, global warming, language, puns

A few weeks ago, I mentioned our seeing a beauty salon with a funny name while driving through rural North Carolina and asked for other humorous names people had seen. Here’s the list in the order in which I received them (minus a few that I would not post):

Million Hair

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

A reader named Anita has a salon yet to be named. Her punny sister thinks it would be just hysterical to call it “Anita Haircut” (I-need-a haircut) Her husband had a different take on it - “Anita Style.”

Mane Attraction

Shear Pleasure

Head Hunters

Head Quarters (do they charge only 25 cents?!)

Here’s an idea for the name of a hair salon that shares rental space with a dog groomer - Beauty and the Beast

Tangles Salon

3 Designing Women

Curl Up and Dye (in Edmonton, AB, and several other places)

Rock Star Hair - Hmm, I would be hesitant about that one!

The Mane Event

Hairs R US

Hot Headz

Helmet Hairworks

Samson’s Locks

Mountain Do’s

90% Salon and Spa

Scissor Wizard

Mop Shop Hair Salon

Bombshell Salon

Nogginz

Scissor Happy (might leave with no hair left!?)

If you’d like to add other salon names through the comments, just look for the comment link at the end of this blog post.

***
some personal updates…

The taxes are done and ready to mail today. Phew! That’s one dreaded chore I don’t have to feel bad about putting off for another 362 days or so….

My wife and I are finally entering this century technologically - we’ve ordered a laptop with XP! With a grandson 700 miles away, we’ve asked his mom to send pictures as often as possible. Our old hand-me-up desktop computer with Windows 98SE and a dial-up modem from our son Mark has been great, but we’ve been sensing the need for something faster. Now we need to decide soon what to do about faster internet - BellSouth DSL, a Verizon wireless internet card, satellite, other? The only option for cable here is Charter, and we’ve heard enough friends complain about their customer (dis)service that we’ll not opt for that. Any words of wisdom, particularly from but not limited to any of you in the Greenville area?

Our grandson Drew went to see his pediatrician yesterday. He has grown 1.5 inches in length, but the doctor is concerned that he’s not gaining as much as he should. He’s up to 4 lbs. 15 oz - almost a 5-pound bag of sugar now! But in the past two weeks he’s gained only 7 oz. He should be gaining that amount in one week’s time at this stage of his development. (Apparently he’s going to be tall and thin like his maternal grandfather…. Actually, the man in question is short and dumpy.)

The doctor made several suggestions and has scheduled him to return next Monday. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks to all who’ve been praying for him. Please continue. We have no new pictures as of now, but maybe by the end of the week….

quotation…

“Stop pretending you’ve got it all together when you don’t.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Tags: names, puns