ivman's blague

Since many people know I’m a French teacher, they send me a lot of French-related news and humor. I’ve decided to post one of those news items to my blog today. Prepare yourself - this is pretty shocking!

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After much careful planning, he craftily got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas!

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh.”

This is Rob again. Hope that wasn’t too painful for those of you who aren’t into puns. I received what I’m posting today by e-mail from several people. I think none of them thought I would have De Gaulle

to post this on my blog, but I figured after everything else I’ve posted, what have I got Toulouse?

Many here in the US are enjoying a nice break from global warming recently with absolutely frigid temps. It’s supposed to get down into the teens here tonight! I know for some of you, that would be a nice spring day, but for those of us here in South Carolina, that is very cold!

For those of you who receive my blog posts by e-mail, any pictures that I include in blog posts should come through in the e-mail version. Some people have to click on something in their e-mail to make the images load. Sometimes that is found in a little bar at the very top of the e-mail - it all depends on the e-mail program you’re using. In the last week or so, I have also inserted a couple of video clips into my blog posts - one of tractor square dancing and another of a man singing the song I mentioned in my last blog post. In order to view those, you must go to the blog. You can do that by clicking on the words “latest post to ivman’s blague” or on the title of that blog post - both of those links are in the body of the e-mail message.

quotation…

“If heaven wouldn’t be heaven without God, how can this life be good without Him?” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Tags: art, French, global warming, language, puns

A few weeks ago, I mentioned our seeing a beauty salon with a funny name while driving through rural North Carolina and asked for other humorous names people had seen. Here’s the list in the order in which I received them (minus a few that I would not post):

Million Hair

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

A reader named Anita has a salon yet to be named. Her punny sister thinks it would be just hysterical to call it “Anita Haircut” (I-need-a haircut) Her husband had a different take on it - “Anita Style.”

Mane Attraction

Shear Pleasure

Head Hunters

Head Quarters (do they charge only 25 cents?!)

Here’s an idea for the name of a hair salon that shares rental space with a dog groomer - Beauty and the Beast

Tangles Salon

3 Designing Women

Curl Up and Dye (in Edmonton, AB, and several other places)

Rock Star Hair - Hmm, I would be hesitant about that one!

The Mane Event

Hairs R US

Hot Headz

Helmet Hairworks

Samson’s Locks

Mountain Do’s

90% Salon and Spa

Scissor Wizard

Mop Shop Hair Salon

Bombshell Salon

Nogginz

Scissor Happy (might leave with no hair left!?)

If you’d like to add other salon names through the comments, just look for the comment link at the end of this blog post.

***
some personal updates…

The taxes are done and ready to mail today. Phew! That’s one dreaded chore I don’t have to feel bad about putting off for another 362 days or so….

My wife and I are finally entering this century technologically - we’ve ordered a laptop with XP! With a grandson 700 miles away, we’ve asked his mom to send pictures as often as possible. Our old hand-me-up desktop computer with Windows 98SE and a dial-up modem from our son Mark has been great, but we’ve been sensing the need for something faster. Now we need to decide soon what to do about faster internet - BellSouth DSL, a Verizon wireless internet card, satellite, other? The only option for cable here is Charter, and we’ve heard enough friends complain about their customer (dis)service that we’ll not opt for that. Any words of wisdom, particularly from but not limited to any of you in the Greenville area?

Our grandson Drew went to see his pediatrician yesterday. He has grown 1.5 inches in length, but the doctor is concerned that he’s not gaining as much as he should. He’s up to 4 lbs. 15 oz - almost a 5-pound bag of sugar now! But in the past two weeks he’s gained only 7 oz. He should be gaining that amount in one week’s time at this stage of his development. (Apparently he’s going to be tall and thin like his maternal grandfather…. Actually, the man in question is short and dumpy.)

The doctor made several suggestions and has scheduled him to return next Monday. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks to all who’ve been praying for him. Please continue. We have no new pictures as of now, but maybe by the end of the week….

quotation…

“Stop pretending you’ve got it all together when you don’t.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Tags: names, puns

today’s instant vacation…

I’ve received some lists of one-liner puns, which I’ve compiled for your enjoyment.

A baker’s job is crumby, but he kneads the dough.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A Christmas sign from a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Christmas sign in a bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

A Christmas sign on a reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A good pun is its own reword.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

A lot of money is tainted - ‘taint yours and ‘taint mine.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

An optometrist fell into a lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

A short fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the “herd shot ’round the world.”

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Does a backward poet write inverse?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. Shocking!

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

He went to a seafood disco last week … and pulled a mussel.

His wife really likes to make pottery, but to him it’s just kiln time.

If someone doesn’t pay his exorcist, does he get repossessed?

If you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it; so they gave me the axe.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli when a strong currant pulled him in.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho

Two blondes walk into a building. You’d think at least one of them would have seen it

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

Where there’s a will, there’s a lawsuit.

Which is worse - Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

You soon find out that a revolving charge is the kind of credit that keeps your interest up.

***
ivman update…

Starting with this iv, my iv’s will no longer go out by email. Instead I will post them here on the blog and also in the iv archives.

quotation…

“Our daily existence proves that we are not lawkeepers, but lawbreakers.” - Dan Brooks

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob Loach in Greenville SC

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Tags: one-liners, puns

People sometimes ask me how I choose what to send each week. This week’s thought process was really quite complex. For those of you interested in getting into ivman’s pysche a little, here ya go….

Today’s iv is the coming together of three threads of recent life here. The first is that my middle school class just finished watching Princess Bride on Monday of this week. They *loved* it! The boys loved the action and adventure, and the girls were really tuned in to the “true love” theme in the movie. The second inspiration for the sending of this particular iv is that on Monday evening I tried eel at a restaurant. Eating eel reminded me of something in my files that mentions eel. (By the way, the eel was quite tasty, and I would order it again.) Come to think of it, one of the scenes in Princess Bride was waters infested with shrieking eels, so maybe there’s even more cohesion to the inspiration than I had thought! In fact, I’ll treat you to a picture of the eel before I enjoyed it.

The third reason was actually the thing that originally brought the thing in my files to mind. Last week at the apartment building next our ours we saw a blanket hung out to dry that was emblazened with AMORE in huge letters. (For those of you from Rio Linda, “amore” is Italian for “love.”) Today’s iv is a number of variations on the song “That’s Amore.” Some are better than others, but hey, I didn’t write this! I don’t know who did, but several of the variations indicate it could have been a Canadian, eh?

That’s Amore

(the original wording…)
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That’s amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that’s not what you planned
That’s a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That’s our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That’s some more hay.

When Othello’s poor wife
becomes stabbed with a knife
That’s a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight
Used his sword in a fight
That’s Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze
In a damp marshy place,
That’s a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests
Like you did all the rest
That’s some more “A”s!

When your boat comes home fine
And you tied up her line
That’s to moor, eh?

When on Mt. Cook you see
An aborigine,
That’s a Maori.

Alley Oop’s homeland has
A space gun with pizzazz,
That’s a Moo ray….

A comedian-ham
With the name Amsterdam
That’s a Morey.

When your chocolate graham
Is so full and so crammed
That’s s’more, aye?

When you’ve had quite enough
Of this dumb rhyming stuff
That’s “No more!”, eh?

***
Yet another time of mixed emotions is fast approaching! We’re in our final week of classes here at Hainan University. Our classes have been very enjoyable, and we have grown to love our students. Parting truly is sweet sorrow. This Saturday morning we fly out early for Beijing where we’ll spend several days. While there we hope to visit several places we’ve heard are quite nice in the city, as well as taking a day trip to see the Great Wall. On Tuesday, Jean will fly to Cambodia to spend two weeks with her daughter and her family who live there. The other three of us will fly back to GSP, via Chicago, seeing the Arctic Ocean on the way. It’s weird that, if our plane is on time (and why would we *ever* assume that?!), we will arrive in Chicago timewise slightly before we left Beijing. (Things that make you go, hmmm.)

I will not be going online again after this Friday 6:00 p.m. (Greenville time) until I’m back in my home again. So please do not send anything from July 28-August 1 to which you need an immediate answer, ’cause you won’t get one! I sent a quick email to our kids from Beijing when we arrived, and it ended up being a pretty pricey “service” of our hotel. I’ll forgo that amenity this time around.

quotation…

“What we do shows what our heart desires.” - Dr. Randy Jaeggli

=^..^= =^..^= =^..^=
Rob Loach in Greenville SC

Invertebrates make no bones about it. (After some of our dining adventures here, I’d say that maybe invertebrates merit further consideration.)

Tags: China, food, puns, travel

Lately working for IT HelpDesk I’ve made quite a few trips to repair things in the Gustafson Fine Arts Center. It made me think of some musical humor I received recently. The thing I’m sending you today is *definitely* musical, but the humor is based on many other areas of expertise, with enough word play to satisfy the most avid punsters among us. I have to admit that I personally didn’t “get” some of it - I guess I’m not musical enough?

Adagio formaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.

Al dente con tableau: In opera, chew the scenery.

Al egretto: Played with a feathery tone.

Allegro con brillo: The fastest way to wash pots and pans.

Allegro non groppo: Play fast, and don’t fumble for the notes.

AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.

Angus Dei: To play with a divinely beefy tone.

Antiphonal: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.

A patella: Accompanied by knee-slapping.

Appologgiatura: A composition that you regret after playing it.

Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer and not intended by the composer, especially when disguised with an air of “I meant to do that.”

Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhat close to the correct pitch.

Basso continuo: The act of game fishing after the legal season has ended.

Basso profundo: An opera about deep sea fishing.

Brake drum: The instrument most used to slow the tempo in an orchestra.

Cacophany: A composition incorporating many people with chest colds.

Cadenza: Something that happens when you forget what the composer wrote.

Cantabile: To achieve a complaining sound, as if you have a sour stomach.

Concerto grossissimo: A really bad performance.

Coral Symphony: (see: Beethoven - Caribbean period).

Cornetti trombosis: Disastrous entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians are not careful when exiting the stage.

D.C. al capone: You betta go back to the beginning, capiche?

Diatonic: A low calorie drink.

Dill piccolini: An exceedingly small wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

Diminuendo: The process of quieting a rumor in the orchestra pit.

Dulcet: Worthless steak knives.

Eardrum: A teeny, tiny timpani.

Espressivo: Used to indicate permission to take a coffee break.

Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and….

Fermatahorn: An Alpine wind instrument used for playing long notes.

Fiddler crabs: Grumpy string players.

Flute flies: Gnat-like bugs that bother musicians on outdoor gigs.

Fog hornoso: A brass instrument that plays when the conductor’s intentions are not clear.

Fortississippi: With mighty, flowing strength.

Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.

Gaul blatter: A French horn player.

Good conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.

Gregorian champ: The title bestowed upon the monk who can hold a note the longest.

Herbert vonCarryon: A conductor who never rides in the cargo hold.

Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds - major interval: a long time; minor interval: a few bars; inverted interval: you have to go back one bar and try again.

L’istesso tempo: An indication to play as if you don’t care.

Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.

Maestro: A person who, standing in front of the orchestra and/or chorus, is able to follow them precisely.

Maestrousseau: At the pace of a wedding march.

Mallade: A romantic song that’s pretty sickening.

Metronome: A small person who lives in the city.

Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending, but don’t make it seem rushed.

Opera buffa: Musical stage production with bare-minimal costuming.

Pesante: An effect distinctly non-upper-class.

Pipe smoker: An extremely virtuosic(k) organist.

Placebo Domingo: A faux tenor.

Poochini: When singing, to be accompanied by your dog.

Pre-Classical Conservatism: School of thought which fostered the idea,”if it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”

(The) Rights of Strings: Manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bowed Instruments.

Rubato: A cross between a rhubarb and a tomato.

Schmalzando: A sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band.

Spinet: Politicians’ best technique.

Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon.

Status cymbal: An instrument to be played at inaugurations and debutante balls.

Stringendo: An unpleasant effect produced by the violin section when it doesn’t use vibrato.

Tempo tantrumo: What an elementary school orchestra is having when it’s not following the conductor.

Timpani Alley: A row of kettledrums.

Tincanabulation: The annoying or irritating sounds made by an unmusical person using extremely cheap bells.

Toiletto: The effect on the human voice of reverberation in small rooms with ceramic tiles.

Trouble clef: Any clef one can’t read, e.g., alto clef for pianists.

Vesuvioso: A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.

Vibratto: Child prodigy son of the concertmaster.

***
Till I’m back at you this time next week, ciao!

quotation…

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in the world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” - C. S. Lewis

=^..^= =^..^= =^..^=
Rob Loach in Greenville SC

Tried to play my shoehorn … all I got was footnotes!

Tags: music, puns