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Posts Tagged ‘rants’

Ban Bread!


picture of biohazard bread

Do you love bread? I do ... and I know I'm not alone. When the low-carb craze ("craze" looks almost like another word we know) was in its hayday here in the USA, people were swearing off bread completely. Fortunately there are now diets out there that are less extreme in their attitudes towards carbohydrates, an essential component to balanced diets. Many people are still careful about their carb intake, but attitudes have mellowed out a little.

Bread has been on my mind this week for several reasons. In my fourth semester French class we are reading a simplified version of Les Misérables. Those of you familiar with the story know that Jean Valjean spent 19 years in prison for stealing bread to feed his sister's seven starving children in the winter. Also quite a bit of my wife's work time on campus this week has been spent helping students with special dietary difficulties. Each year it seems as if there are more and more who struggle with gluten intolerance. These two things in our lives caused me to remember a tongue-in-cheek piece in my files.

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According to a newspaper headline, the "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone. (I'm incapable of making up this kind of stuff!)

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered some things about bread that should make anyone think twice.

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
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Driving Me Crazy


picture of texting while driving

Do you have any pet peeves? I'm not normally a peevish person — in fact, I'm generally quite jolly. But my jolliness and my personal sanctification are put to their greatest tests when I am behind the wheel. I'm not the perfect driver, mind you, but other drivers sometimes do some of the dumbest and most dangerous things! And unfortunately it's often in my presence, driving me crazy.

Recently I ran across the following cartoon.

picture of cartoon

When I saw it, I thought about how often I have wondered the same thing — why do people swing left to turn right, thereby making their turn even sharper? I decided to sit down and write my pet peeves about other drivers. I'll post only a dozen today.

My pet peeves about other drivers:

1. Not paying attention — texting, applying make-up, shaving, etc.

2. Running red lights — not just "orange" lights, but very red lights! Are people thinking?!

3. Tailgating — young females seem to be the worst about this
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Biblical Headlines


Is there a liberal bias in today's mainstream media (MSM) in America? I have firmly believed for a long time that our nation's mainstream media is slanted to the left, but in recent months their liberal bias is undeniable by any honest person.

If there had been TV news and newspapers in Bible times, one would need very little imagination to come up with what would have been some of their headlines if they'd been written by the likes of today's MSM with their propensity for distortion, spin, and sensationalistic hype, using emotionally-charged words.

If Biblical headlines were written by today's liberal media...

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
Faith Healer Preys on Terminally Ill

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Pigs

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Heirs Upset as Reading of Will Delayed

(from another news outlet)
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
SOCIAL SECURITY PAYMENTS WITHHELD
FBI Investigates Suspected Identity Theft

On the miracle at the wedding in Cana
VISITING PREACHER ACCUSED OF MOONSHINING
Police Unable to Locate Still

I know some people for whom "if it's in print, it must be true." Here's a picture of one of the all-time classic headline bloopers.

a picture of Truman with headline

In recent weeks especially, the media's handling of Sarah Palin has caused many more people to see this issue more clearly. Here at ivman's blague we like to provide a bit of balance. During World War II and beyond, Rosie the Riveter has been a cultural icon, recognizing the essential role of women in the war effort. Here's the readily recognized picture of Rosie:

picture of Rosie the Riveter

Every since John McCain's announcement and presentation of his running mate, Sarah Palin, the media's attention and intense scrutiny has been riveted on Palin. This past week someone sent me a great rework of the classic poster of Rosie to highlight a new cultural icon...

a picture of Sarah the riveter

Listen to and read very carefully the MSM's coverage of Sarah Palin. Their absolute hatred of this woman is so thinly veiled that you can see it pulsing and writhing below the surface.

Here's a great Kevin Tuma cartoon I've had in my files for a long time. It clearly shows the tenets of the "faith" of today's liberals.

cartoon about liberal faith

Do you see any of those things coming through in today's "news reporting?"

If your sole news sources are the mainstream media, I strongly suggest that you check out some other news sources to see a different angle on what you're hearing or, even more, to read news that the MSM purposely chooses not to report. The latter is very telling - it's the news you're not being allowed to hear by the MSM. Who knows what you might think if you heard it?!

Here are a few links to alternative news sources:

NewsMax.com

WorldNetDaily.com

CNSNews.com

The DrudgeReport

I'll end this post with something about which it's impossible for me personally to be unbiased - our grandson Drew. Our daughter Nora is up at Meg and Jim's all this week. Here are a couple of pictures she posted on her Facebook. As he ate some ice cream, Drew said one of his new favorite words - NICE (which he pronounces "ni").

picture of Drew with ice cream on face

picture of Drew with ice cream on face

quotation...

"Belief affects behavior, and behavior reflects belief." - Dr. M. Bruce McAllister

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Make headlines ... use a corduroy pillow.


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Please Follow the Destructions!


We live in such strange times! There are many people looking for any possible reason to sue someone, even for problems caused by their own idiocy. In hopes of having some legal straw to grasp in the event of a potential lawsuit, many manufacturers now put the weirdest directions and disclaimers on their products. Today's instant vacation is a list of some of those disclaimers on products. Be sure you read this in a place where you can occasionally laugh out loud.

Absurd product warnings and instructions

On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.

On a blanket from Taiwan:
Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

On a Taiwanese shampoo:
Use repeatedly for severe damage.

On the bottle-top of a flavored milk drink in the UK:
After opening, keep upright.

On a New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
Open other end.

On an infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

On a disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a handgun:
Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On a piano:
Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

On work gloves:
For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

On a blender:
Not for use as an aquarium.

On a microscope:
Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

On children's alphabet blocks:
Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

On a wet suit:
Capacity, 1.

On the Washington Post:
Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Once you've read the instructions on a box of Pepperidge Farm frozen raspberry turnovers, it's too late to obey them:
Preheat oven to 475 degrees F before taking package from the freezer.

For incorrigible narcissists, Conair offers this safety tip with its blow dryers:
Never use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

On Boots children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery after taking this medication

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
May cause drowsiness

On an American Airlines packet Of nuts:
Open packet, eat nuts.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Keep out of children

On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Contains nuts

On a bottle of Palmolive dish washing liquid:
Do not use on food.

On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:
If swallowed contact poison control.

On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.

On a packet Of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Here are a few warning signs along the same vein.

use your own brain

self defense against the fence

feeding the animals with fingers

wired to work out

beware of killer frogs

moose crossing

nuts may contain nuts

be prepared

beware of lady

Have you seen any bizarre disclaimers or instructions lately? Please tell us about it in a comment.

quotation...

"Truth causes us to cut between tradition and trends." - Dr. Chris Barney

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

No electrons were harmed in the creation of this blog post, although some were undoubtedly inconvenienced.


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A Bit of a Rant


A recent news item caught my attention. Linda Ramirez-Sliwinski, one of Barack Hussein Obama's elected delegates from the Chicago area to the Democratic National Convention was given a $75 ticket for "disorderly conduct," which is defined as, "when a person does something that alarms or disturbs another."

What did she do to deserve this ticket? She told some neighbor children who were climbing in a tree to quit playing in the tree like monkeys. She is reported to have said she "saw the kids playing in the tree and didn't want them falling out of the tree and getting hurt." She said she calls her own grandchildren "monkeys" and didn't understand why anyone would object to her calling the children monkeys. The mother of one of the children did not see it that way, noting she and Ramirez-Sliwinski have clashed before. The mother called the police who gave Ramirez-Sliwinski the $75 fine.

There were reports that she was considering stepping down as a delegate, possibly at the request of Obama's campaign. In fact the campaign announced yesterday that she was stepping down, but the latest articles I've read indicate that she still plans to be a delegate and still has an Obama sign in her front yard.

To me this story is yet another example of political correctness gone crazy. I think there are people out there who get up every morning and perch a chip perilously on their shoulder, in hopes that someone will knock it off as early in the day as possible so that they can be angry/upset/offended for as much of the day as possible.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that we should always be careful in our word choices. No one should go out of his way to offend people - and some do just that, being as abrasive and controversial as possible. But people need to lighten up too and not seek to find cause for offense in stupid things. Of all things, being upset for calling kids monkeys! Will we have to rename "monkey bars" for fear of some nitwit taking offense?! Good grief!

But to be ticketed for it is beyond the pale! Do we still have freedom of speech in this nation? The thought of government fining someone for something like this would be unbelievable if it weren't true. But it *is* true! Our people had better wake up to what political correctness (or political cleansing) is doing to our freedoms, before it's too late!

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In true, politically incorrect ivman fashion, I will try to relieve any tension caused by the preceding by gently lampooning it. In an increasingly politically correct world, we have new, more sensitive names and ways of saying just about everything. Here are some student-related PC expressions you may not have heard of:

No one fails a class anymore. He's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention. You're just one of the "exit delayed."

Your room isn't cluttered. It's just "passage restrictive."

A student isn't lazy. She's "energetically declined" or "motivationally dispossessed."

A student isn't hyperactive. He's "serenity impaired."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing. It's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class. You're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late. You just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day. You're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

Your teacher isn't bald. He's "follicularly challenged and comb-free."

A girl doesn't have big hair. She is "overly aerosoled."

You're not doing poorly in class. You are "on a detour off the information highway" or are "cerebrally underactive."

You don't have smelly gym socks. You have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

A student is not obnoxious. He is "charismatically impeded."

No one's tall or short anymore. He's "vertically enhanced" or vertically challenged."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You're not able to carry a tune. You're a "tonal underachiever."

You're not conceited. You're "extremely aware of your best qualities."

Your teacher is not old. He is "geriatrically advanced" or "chronologically gifted." (I like that one!) 😀

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

You're not being sent to the dean's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

One is no longer a class clown. He is either "a buffoonery overachiever" or is simply "humor appreciative."

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In a comment to the previous blog post about buzzwords, J.D. left a hilarious comment with a link to a site where you can download "buzzword bingo" for fun at that next meeting where buzzwords will be flying around.

quotation...

"If I were the devil, ... I would convince the people that right and wrong are determined by a few who call themselves authorities and refer to their agenda as politically correct." - Paul Harvey

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

When at loss for the right word to say, why not try silence?


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