ivman's blague

Last week a teaching colleague who has a 4-year-old daughter and who is one of my friends on Facebook wrote on my Facebook wall, “Today at lunch, Kirsten said: There’s that man that I love! I was pretty sure that I knew who she meant, but to be sure, I said: which man? She said: The one with the silver hair. :)”

In addition to giving me a good laugh, it totally made my day! Kirsten’s mama further explained to me this morning that little Kirsten says her own hair is “silver,” which made me even happier.

Thinking about silver hair, as I was looking through some stuff in my files, I found a version of a the story “I’m my own grandpa.” I had heard the song once at the Wilds, and I decided to see what I could find out about it before posting it to my blog. It’s really an interesting tale based on a real life story. Not quite as convoluted as that story is something from my own family - my uncle and his uncle (my great-uncle) married sisters. So then my uncle’s sister-in-law was also his aunt, and his uncle was also his brother-in-law. The sisters were not only sisters, but also aunt and niece. (I should probably pass on redneck humor very carefully, considering my own family history!) Anyway, on to the blog post….

I’m My Own Grandpa

An article in a New England newspaper - “A Man His Own Grandfather,” The Fitchburg Sentinel (Fitchburg, Mass.), 30 July 1877 - reported an interesting story about the suicide note of a man named William Harmen:

A man at Titusville, Pa., recently committed suicide in his horror at finding that he was his own grandfather. The way it was thus told in his dying statement: “I married a widow who had a grown-up daughter. My father visited our house very often, fell in love with my step-daughter and married her. So my father became my son-in-law, and my step-daughter my mother, because she was my father’s wife. Sometime afterward my wife had a son; he was my father’s brother-in-law, and my uncle for he was the brother of my stepmother. My father’s wife - i.e., my stepmother - had also a son; he was, of course, my brother, and in the meantime my grandchild, for he was the son of my daughter. My wife was my grandmother, because she was my mother’s mother. I was my wife’s husband and grandchild at the same time. And as the husband of a person’s grandmother is his grandfather, I am my own grandfather.”

An article in Wikipedia, speaking of the song that comes from this story, affirms:

Although the song continues to mention that both the narrator’s wife and daughter had children by the narrator and his father, respectively, the narrator actually becomes “his own grandpa” once his father marries the woman’s daughter.

* The narrator marries the older woman. - This results in the woman’s daughter becoming his stepdaughter.
* Subsequently, the narrator’s father marries the older woman’s daughter.
* The woman’s daughter, being the new wife of the narrator’s father, is now both his stepdaughter and his stepmother. Concurrently, the narrator’s father, being his stepdaughter’s husband, is also his stepson-in-law.
* The narrator’s wife, being the mother of his stepmother, makes her both spouse and step-grandmother.
* The husband of the narrator’s wife would then be the narrator’s step-grandfather. Since the narrator is that person, he has managed to become his own (step-)grandfather.

I’m not quite sure I followed that, but….

An interesting history of this story and how it has resurfaced and evolved through the years, attributed to various sources - including Mark Twain - can be found at http://www.genealogymagazine.com/grandpa.html

If you’d like to hear the song (downloaded from YouTube) performed by Dennis Warner, you can do so below.

quotation…

“Humility is a low opinion of my own opinion.” - Dr. Greg Mazak

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Lead your life so you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

Tags: aging, family living, grandparents, rednecks, weddings and marriage

Traveling certainly does expose you to a lot of “local color.” But then, so does having e-mail! I received by e-mail the following picture of an interesting scene…

I’m sure the deer would move if anyone approached, but if not, jumping on this trampoline could be dangerous!

One bit of local color we enjoyed in Michigan and Ohio was coffee from Tim Hortons. Though it’s originally from Canada, it’s making in-roads into the northern states.

I got a picture recently that I shows some of the effects of local color up in Quebec…

In Quebec, Kentucky Fried Chicken is called “Poulet frit a la Kentucky” - hence PFK. Weird! Even in China it’s KFC!

On the radio near our hometown in Ohio we caught the intro to a program called Ag-Talk … I guess it’s a call-in program for Ohio farmers. We also saw an interesting sight in a town near our home town - vending machines that cater to some of the special needs of local residents…

That sight made me think of the first item in something I’d received recently by e-mail….

You may have had a redneck Thanksgiving if…

your secret ingredient in your stuffing came from the bait shop.

you had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner was squirrel and dumplings.

you reused a paper plate.

you had a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

you used your ironing board as a buffet table.

your turkey platter was an old hubcap.

your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

your only condiment on the dining room table was ketchup.

side dishes included beef jerky and Moon Pies.

you had to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

the directions to your house included “turn off the paved road.”

you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

you had Jell-o from an Elvis mold.

your secret family recipe is illegal.

you served Vienna sausage as an appetizer.

***
My wife and I decided to go up to Michigan for a couple of days during our Thanksgiving break. We thoroughly enjoyed our couple of days with our daughter Megan, son-in-law Jim, and grandson Drew. Here are a couple of pictures…

We had lunch at Panera on Saturday with two long-time (rather than old!) friends - Shirley and Laura. It was good to see them and to get caught up. Shirley is enjoying her many activities in her early retirement, and Laura always has interesting stories to tell about her life in Bangladesh, to which she’ll return on December 31. I hope they’ll forgive me for putting a picture of them on my blog.

quotation…

“Our ultimate goal is pleasing the Chief Shepherd.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

I wonder how many venues I’ve been in through the course of my life without even knowing it, simply because I didn’t know the buzzword “venue.”

Tags: funny pix, rednecks, Thanksgiving, travel

Since this is the fiftieth anniversary of the launching of Sputnik 1, I thought I’d post something scientific … well, maybe at least as scientific as some of what calls itself science.

A magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on any subject. Below are the top five winners:

5th place (Subject: Probability Theory) If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.

4th place (Subject: Bio-Mechanics) Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your head unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

3rd place (Subject: Symbolic Logic) The Chinese are technologically underdeveloped because each of their writing characters represents a whole word or phrase, rather than a single letter. Thus they cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

2nd place (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics) Deforestation will eventually cause earthquakes, tidal waves or even the total destruction of our planet. Just as a figure-skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting down of tall trees may cause the earth to spin dangerously fast on its axis with disastrous results.

Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion) When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat’s back, buttered side up and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

A reader mentioned to me that there’s an article on Wikipedia similar to the winning theory. Below is the picture from that article.

Several (dis?)honorable mentions…

Honorable Mention (Subject: Earth Science) Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

Honorable Mention (Auto Mechanics) The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it’s easier to go faster when you’re always going downhill. Besides, they get better gas mileage that way.

Honorable Mention (Subject: Linguistics) The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks his cah,” the lost R’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl” wells.

***
In my last post I promised to include a few pictures. Here’s one of Uncle Mark and Drew…

Saturday afternoon some of us went up to North Carolina to get some apples at our favorite place - Lyda. They had some fall decor sitting around, just begging for photo ops. Here’s a nice picture of Meg and Drew…

Then here’s one of our little punkin all by himself…

quotation…

“Courage is not needed if all things are easy and smooth.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Why are aliens from outer space always portrayed as evil? How do we know that there’s not some alien out there who’s just waiting to share the recipe for “The Universe’s Best Waffle Mix?”

Tags: cats, math and science, rednecks

Today’s instant vacation highlights some interesting aspects of life here in the southern part of the USA. I’ve now lived here almost half of my life. I heard something on the radio the other day that made me do a Google search. I found lists similar to what I’m sending today for almost every state in the South, with just a few local variations. It should help non-Southerners understand life here better and give Southerners a chance to chuckle at some of the local charm.

Interesting facts about the South and Southernosity…

Florida, except for the areas closest to Alabama and Georgia (pronounced Jawja), is *not* considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living in Florida.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in the South, plus a couple that nobody has seen before.

Unknown critters love to dig holes under your tomato plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they’re ripe.

Possums will sleep in the road with their feet in the air.

“Onced” and “twiced” are words.

It is not a shopping cart - it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your skin a picnic.

People actually grow and eat okra.

“Fixinto” is one word, and it’s a verb. Example: I’m fixinto go to the store.

“Backwards and forwards” means “I know everything about you”.

“Jeet” is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”

You sometimes have to switch from heat to air conditioning, all in the same day.

All festivals across your state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You only know 4 spices - salt, pepper, Tabasco, and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

You think the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100°F (38°C) “a little warm”.

You know that the South really *does* have four distinct seasons - almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime, known as “Goin’ Walmartin’” or “Off to Wally World”.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70° or 21°C) as good pinto bean weather.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter that you don’t need anything from the store - it is just something you’re supposed to do. Apparently, since the items Southerns rush out to buy are bread, milk, and eggs, the comfort food of choice in a “snow crisis” *must* be French toast.

You know that fried catfish is the other white meat.

You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both unlocked.

You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

You know what “cow tipping” is .

You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

And you don’t TAKE someone to the doctor’s office or any other place - you CARRY them there.

You know what a “DAWG” is.

When you live in the country, you don’t have to buy a dawg. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.

A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, tonic, or pop. It’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda Coke you want?” “Aw, I’ll have a Dr Pepper, thanks.”

You know the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” one, you “PITCH” one.

You know how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”

You know the general direction of not only “yonder” but also “cattywumpus.”

You know exactly how long “directly” is - as in “Going to town, be back directly.”

You grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” You also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.

Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

You know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, you also know to add a large banana puddin’.

You both know and understand the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

You would never assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn or change lanes. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that the blinker was on when the car was purchased.

You make friends while standing in lines. You don’t do “queues,” you do “lines”; and when you’re “in line,” you talk to everybody - even total strangers!

Put 100 Southerners in a room, and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.

You never refer to one person as “y’all.”

You know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

You know:
- that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful.
- that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food.
- and that fried green tomatoes are *not* a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a true Southerner!

You say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates with sugar, and *lots* of it - Southerners do not like their tea unsweetened. Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you’re two. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.

You know you don’t scream at little old ladies who drive 30 mph on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her heart,” and go your own way.

You don’t need no stinkin’ driver’s ed … when yo mama says you can drive, you can drive!

To those of you who’re still a little embarrassed by your Southernness - Take two biscuits, a dose of sausage gravy and a tall glass of sweet tea, and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff - Bless your hearts. I hear they’re fixinto have classes on Southernosity as a second language!

And for anyone who is not from the South but has lived here for a long time - Y’all need a sign to hang on y’all’s front porch that reads, “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”

Bless your hearts! All y’all have a blessed day!

quotation…

“Am I living so that it’s obvious that God is the most important person in the universe, and not I?” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob Loach in Greenville SC

Two reasons that it is so hard to solve a redneck murder -
1st - The DNA is all the same.
2nd - No dental records.

Tags: geography, language, rednecks, Southern living