ivman's blague

What age would you be if you could choose? Is there a perfect age? Small children want to keep being bigger and older, teens want to be in their early 20s, and on and on it goes. Some older people yearn for days when they were more agile and carefree.

At my stage of life, I can see that every age has its advantages and disadvantages. Something inside me still recoils when I’m offered a “senior discount” - it’s like … can that person really think I’m that old?! And yet who would doubt that I’m enjoying being a grandfather?

I experienced one of the downsides today when my eye doctor told me that I have the beginning of a cataract in my right eye. He said I’m young to have this, but it’s there. Someone please name another advantage for me … quick!

My wife forwarded an e-mail to me yesterday with several funny perspectives on aging. I’ll start off with a picture too scarily similar to the sign on the right above. Apparently this man was the “poster child” for the sign.

Here’s a comic strip that was in the e-mail.

One of the pictures was a pie chart of a senior citizen’s time usage.

Not all older folks are slow-moving geezers though, as attested by this sign.

But older folks do need to be careful in their activities not to injure themselves. Here’s an exemplary senior biker, the picture of health with his helmet.

Young folks need to be careful from their youth to avoid some problems in their “golden years.”

Someone please pass me the sunscreen….

As I said earlier, an upside to this stage of life is being a grandparent. Here are a couple of pictures of our grandson Drew on the 4th of July - our little flag waver and watching the fireworks with Grandma.

Here’s how he looked one year ago at the fireworks.

Ah! The upsides and downsides of being Drew’s age! So I ask again - what age would you be if you could choose? What is the perfect age to be?

new poll…

One of my readers (a history teacher) suggested a poll question for me - Which of these activities will be part of your 14th of July (Bastille Day) celebration? with several suggested activities - storming a prison, guillotining someone, etc. I laughed and immediately dismissed the idea. I do have a new poll question up, though, about what kind of phone you use.

quotation…

“Grace trumps sin every time.” - J.D. Crowley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If we’d stop trying to be happy we would probably enjoy life more.

Tags: aging, children, senior citizens, signs, wellness

today’s instant vacation…

My wife and I have long since gotten over the initial sting of when we first started being offered seniors discounts. What bothered me when I was offered a discount for the first time, I wasn’t yet old enough to be eligible! (So what does that tell you?!) Now we actually ask if we’re eligible! Quite the reversal, huh? Today’s iv is a couple of my favorite bits of senior humor.

The 84-Year-Old Bride

A local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old woman because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” thought the newsman. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now, in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

“That’s easy, son,” she smiled. “I married one for the money, … two for the show, … three to get ready, … and four to go!”

***
This is Rob again. We actually learned recently that a long-time friend, a widower, will be getting married in August. This octagenarian met his wife-to-be on eHarmony.com! Neither of them is living in what are typically thought of as places where retirees choose to live, where these senior romances seem to abound. Here’s the second bit of senior humor:

In Florida and Arizona (where retirees abound), the personal ads have become rather long-in-the-tooth. Here is a sampling:

FOXY LADY: Fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, slim, 5′ 4″ (used to be 5′ 6″), searching for sharp-looking, smart-dressing man. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.

GROOVY: I still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn’t run, but walks well.

***
Our latest reminder of being seniors was yesterday at the World of Coca Cola in Atlanta, where 55+ is considered “senior.” My wife and I spent the day in Atlanta yesterday to see friends who were visiting from France. They lived in Greenville in the mid 1990s and we got to know them well. The last time we were in France with a team of students in 2001, these friends came to see us one weekend in Rouen. We had a wonderful time together, renewing our ties with them. A new Atlanta experience for us, in addition to being in Atlanta in the summer and having the temps be in the mid 80s with low humidity, was getting all over the place on MARTA. It got us very close to everywhere we wanted to go - including to a bus stop right across the street from one of our Atlanta favorites the Dekalb Farmers Market. The MARTA workers were extremely friendly and helpful - several even spoke French to us! What more could you want for an eight dollar, all-day pass?

Back to the World of Coca Cola for a second…. The new museum has some neat new features, but we still prefer the old Coke Museum. Do any of you who have visited both the old Coke museum and this new one share our opinion?

quotation…

“Bad people don’t become good people by rules.” - J. D. Crowley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Senior pick-up line… A well dressed gentleman in his mid-eighties enters a local diner. When he spots an immaculately groomed lady in her mid-seventies seated at the lunch counter, he goes directly to the counter and sits down on the stool beside her. He looks at her slyly and says, “Say, do I eat here often?”

Tags: aging, Atlanta, France, senior citizens, weddings and marriage

On this last day of the year 2007, it’s a time of reflection and of anticipation. For those of us who made resolutions for changes we wanted to make in our lives in 2007 - we’d better work fast! Not that many hours remain to accomplish them all!

Maybe it’s because I’m a teacher and have lots of “new beginnings” in my life - new school years, new semesters, etc., but for some reason I’m not actully one for making “new year’s resolutions,” but I know that some people just love them. Several years ago, I posted sent out an iv of New Year’s Resolutions we all could keep. You can read that by clicking here.

As the new year brings a new month, I resolve to get more points this month than in December. I resolve also to eliminate as many items as possible from the “honey-do list” before the new semester begins on January 9, 2008.

I’d enjoy reading resolutions for 2007 that you kept or some of your resolutions for 2008.

I’ve seen some really funny lists of resolutions online. One motif went something like this:

2004: I will see my dentist this year.
2005: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2006: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2007: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
2008….

Now on to some other unique lists of New Year’s Resolutions…

Senior Citizens’ New Year’s Resolutions…

Be awake more than asleep

STOP USING ALL CAPS IN MY E-MAILS

>> try and prune >>> all these >> chevrons
>> when forwarding jokes >>>, urban legends >>> spam >> false virus alerts >>> recipes and
pathetic >>> inspirational thoughts >>>> and chain
>>>
>>> letters >>>>>>

Remember the names of my kids and grandkids

See my family more often than my doctor

Learn a new game besides Bingo

Learn NOT to say “Whipper Snapper”

Learn NOT to say “In my day…”

Spend more time on the computer than the toilet

Attend all the meetings of Obsessive-Compulsive Anonymous, where I shall take verbatim notes and then check them for spelling, syntax, and grammar

Learn to pronounce the names of all medications I have to take

Try to take things seriously, once in a while. (Note: I said “things” not people!)

Household Pets’ New Year’s Resolutions…

Dog: Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

Cat: I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

Dog or Cat: Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing monster does to us when no one is around.

Fish: Swim counter-clockwise this year.

Dog: Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell other dogs.

Cat: I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into his eyes until he wakes up.

Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on ‘roids, or they’ll flush me for sure!

Dog or Cat: Always scoot before licking

Cat: Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.

Dog: Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

Fish: Get out of the castle more

Dog: January 1 - Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2 - December 31 Relive victory over the sock.

Cat: When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

Dog: I will NOT chase the stupid stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND!

Cat: When my human is typing at the computer, I will remember two things - my human’s forearms are not a hammock, and I must not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

***
It’s been a while since I posted - we were all too busy and fulfilled for blogging! We thoroughly enjoyed this last week with many good family times together. It was a nice, restful week of doing things together that we all enjoy. It was especially nice to have everyone together several times. We didn’t get to do our family Christmas celebration until we were all in town and together, on Thursday. We all went out to our son Mark and daughter-in-law Katie’s house Saturday evening for a cookout. The picture below is from that evening.

Of course, one of the things we enjoyed most was our grandson Drew’s first Christmas. He is big enough to enjoy what’s going on, although he has no real comprehension of it all. Below are some pictures we’d like to share.

Here’s Drew being handed a gift to try to open…

Just sitting on the couch was too boring, so here he is getting at the presents under the tree…

Drew is on the verge of crawling - he rocks on all fours, goes in circles, and scoots backwards. Here he is “almost crawling” to get to a toy….

He also loves to stand, though attempts at walking have yet to be exhibited. Here he is at Mark and Katie’s…

Grandma and I had a great time playing with little Drew! Here’s a picture of Grandma reading to our little guy…

Our Christmas gifts involved a lot of things we made for loved ones ourselves. One of the really fun gifts this year was cornhole boards and bags that Jim and Megan made, one set for our son Mark and one set for our daughter Nora’s boyfriend Aron. We all went outdoors for a while to try them out. Here’s a picture of Becka and Megan trying their hand at tossing the bags to the board at Nora and Katie’s end of the yard.

wellness challenge update…

Many of the faculty and staff at BJU are participating in a wellness challenge for one full year - from September 1, 2007 to August 31, 2008. Rather than my repeating all the details of the wellness challenge here, if you want to know more, you can read about it by clicking on “wellness” under Tags in the sidebar on my blog. The end of November marked the end of the first quarter of the challenge. My wife and I both had accumulated enough points to be in the “gold” category. We could each choose between a nice cash prize or an iPod Nano. Becka chose the cash, and I chose the iPod. I’m enjoying it very much and listening to some of my favorite music as I put this blog post together. Its capacity is 4 GB, and though I put over 200 songs on it, I’ve not even used up 1/4 of the space. I’ll have to explore putting some of my favorite pictures on the iPod.

It’s a good thing the first quarter ended on November 30 instead of today! This past couple of weeks the wellness challenge has been … well, a challenge! ‘Nuff said….

quotation…

“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.” - unknown

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

In the new year … First things first! But not necessarily in that order.

Tags: aging, animals, holidays, senior citizens, wellness

My annual annoyance at having to switch from Daylight Savings Time to “real time” has been expanded this year by a decision from our Congress-critters (those that I prefer to think of as “they who know what’s best for the rest of us, even though many of their own personal lives are in shambles”) - their decision that we not only have to change the time, but also to change the week that we have to change the time! Tell that to our laptop and to our kitchen radio!!! They both reset themselves to “real time” last Sunday. Grr! The radio, I can do nothing to remedy - the autoset is built in. But for the computer I found a handy little free utility you can download from Microsoft called tzedit. You can download it by clicking on the link in the previous sentence. Save it to somewhere on your computer where you can find it, run the application, choose the Sundays you want the computer to change its time, and you shouldn’t have to do anything more … well maybe not until our Congress-critters decide to have us change time on other Sundays - like the 9th Sunday before the Solstace or some such equally sensible thing. Good grief!

I don’t want to sound like an grumpy, old man bemoaning constant changes, but I’m nothing like the woman who wrote what I’m posting today!

We Must Stop These Changing Times … Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier? And, everything is farther away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

Also I have noticed the ground is harder, trails are longer, and the nights have become a lot colder than they used to be!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up, they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?!

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me! I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, really now, even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, and thighs?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually *believe* the number I see on that dial?! HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

One good thing, though - I’m getting stronger! I can now carry $50 worth of groceries in one hand. Used to have make several trips to get them from the car to the kitchen!

WE MUST GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

P.S. By the way, if you’re reading this online and are having trouble with the smaller fonts web designers are using nowadays, you can increase the size of the font easily with the scroll wheel on your mouse. Just hold down the Ctrl key and turn the scroll wheel. This works with Internet Explorer, Firefox, and Opera browsers.

***
Our daughter Megan took some cute pictures of our grandson Drew yesterday in the leaves. He looks so happy in this picture, right before what Megan has called his “meltdown.” He has been a little crabby for several days, but yesterday afternoon he just cried and cried inconsolably. Megan did some checking and discovered that he’s cutting two bottom front teeth - his first. Poor little guy. Anyway, here he is when he used to be a happy child…

Last weekend the Detroit Zoo had what was called Boo at the Zoo for parents with small children. Meg and Jim dressed Drew up like a little sweet pea and took him to the zoo. Here’s a picture of our little “Sweet Pea.”

***
Month two of the wellness program is past. I’ve met my goals both months. If I lose two more pounds, I’ll be into the category for my height. If I can’t shed those two pounds, I may buy elevator shoes instead.

It’s hard to believe how fast this semester is flying by! Three weeks from today is Thanksgiving Day. My wife and I will be here at home alone with a Cornish game hen or something, since our two local kids will be out of town for Thanksgiving.

quotation…

“God is a Person who has everything you really need and who joys in pouring it out on you every day.” - Dr. Dan Olinger

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

“Children are allergic to clean clothes.” - Dr. Gary Guthrie

Tags: aging, senior citizens, time, wellness

So far, so good on the wellness program. Saturday, the first day of the program, was a little more challenging because my wife and I spent about 5 hours of the day in the car, making a mad dash to the Atlanta area for an hour or so to see the Dekalb Farmers’ Market we’d heard about on PBS. It was pretty cool, and definitely worth the detour if you’re already in the Atlanta area. We got some neat veggies we can’t find here in Greenville - even found some stuff we enjoyed in China!

Sunday will probably be the hardest day of the week for the wellness program with the different schedule involved with Sunday School, church, choir practice, and church again. I got on the stationary bike late Sunday evening, and just couldn’t make myself do it, thereby losing a point. Week days and most Saturdays should be much easier, though. I already have earned 14 of the 15 points earnable by this time, and my scales say I’ve dropped a pound or two already! And drinking all that water each day is already a lot easier! Those of you who read my last blog post will appreciate this - my personal trainer Becka still looks gorgeous!

BTW, I *promise* that, after this, I won’t often mention the wellness program in my blog posts. It’s still so new that it’s on our minds more at the moment than it probably will soon be. If something funny comes up in connection with it, though, that will be a good time to capitalize on it with a blog post.

If this wellness program makes me feel younger, that will be great. I think some of my new freshmen think I’m Methuselah’s older, surviving brother, even though I’m not a day over 60! I recently received some good stuff about aging that seemed appropriate at this time.

(I don’t know who wrote the following account, but it was not I….)

I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!

***
A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked, “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?”

She replied simply, “No peer pressure.”

***
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, and medications for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “How ’bout Depend, Poise, and other adult incontinence products?”

Pharmacist: “We have crates of them - so you won’t run out … so to speak.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Good! We’d like to use your store as our Bridal Registry.”

This all made me think of a cartoon I’ll share below….

quotation…

“Being is more important than doing. But being what we are has an impact on what we do.” - Dr. Gary Weier

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Young at heart, but slightly older in other places.

Tags: aging, Atlanta, senior citizens, wellness