ivman's blague

Here at the beginning of September I’m thinking about some milestone birthdays in our family this month. On the 17th our firstborn will turn 30, and on the last day of the month, I will be 15 years younger than John McCain! (He’s a lot younger than most people realize! You do the math….)

As I age gracefully, I’m noticing some of the subtle differences that come with each stage of life - the way you see things and do things. (Notice the cartoon on the right…) On a more personal level, when I was a 20-something, it was nothing to pull all-nighters or at least to stay up late into the night doing fun activities or doing grading and course preparations as a young teacher. Now I have a hard time staying up very late at all. Just this past Friday evening a bunch of us teachers got together for a game night. Most of us played games late into the early part of the evening! Sigh!

Today’s “instant vacation” takes a look at some of the changes that aging makes in something as everyday as going to Walmart.

When men go to Walmart…

You are a man doing some kind of project around the house – mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with a hole in them, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what home repair, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Walmart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20’s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush and floss your teeth, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Splash on a lot of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30’s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no worries in that department. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a healthy shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40’s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat to cover up your messed up, unwashed hair. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute cologne is almost empty, so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Walmart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter’s age.

In your 50’s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the grime off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy’s Bait Shop and says, “I Got Worms.”

In your 60’s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore – nothing to cover up. Hose the dog dirt off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s and no need to replace it. You hope no one will notice the hole in you pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don’t have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70’s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Walmart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don’t even notice the dog dirt on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80’s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Then you remember you needed to go to Walmart. You go to Walmart, then wander around for an hour trying to think what it is you are looking for. Then you burp out loud and turn, thinking someone behind you called out your name. You realise you went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door an hour ago

I want to be perfectly fair, though, and remind my readers that it’s not just we men who are conscious of their appearance when they go to shopping. Here’s a picture of a newspaper article that proves that women think about what they’re going to wear when they go to Walmart.

Have any of you been or seen a “fashion plate” at Walmart lately? Or how ’bout some of those conversations you can’t help overhearing?

quotation…

“You never realize what a good memory you have until you try to forget something.” - Franklin P. Jones

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Rob

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Tags: aging, birthdays, funny pix, men, shopping

You would have to have your head totally in the sand not to know that the Olympics are going on. We’ve followed the first week and a half far more than we thought we would, but the remaining events really aren’t our faves.

Undoubtedly the dominant name has been Michael Phelps. The mainstream media has proclaimed him “the greatest athlete of all time” and the debate will rage on until the next “greatest athete of all time” comes along. Michael has definitely achieved wonderful feats in a very tough sport and seems himself to have a good attitude of humility, but there are still many who are asking, “Well, what about __ (fill in the name of their favorite sports figure)?! Is Michael really a greater athlete than __?!”

I found a terrific comic online this morning that I want to share:

I’ve put out a new poll in the sidebar about what my readers think about Michael Phelps’ being the greatest athlete of all time.

For today’s iv, I’m sharing two stories - one funny and one thought-provoking - about some runners, Olympic or not.

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house an older woman was looking out her kitchen window, watching the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

In the late 1990s at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard dash. At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with determination to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times, and began to cry. The other eight heard the boy cry, slowed down, and looked back. Then they all turned around and went back. Every one of them.

One girl with Down’s Syndrome bent down and kissed him and said, “This will make it better.” Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line.

Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went on for several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story. Why? Because deep down we know this one thing: What matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. More important than winning for ourselves in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course.

A friend told me that, upon reading my last post about becoming empty-nesters, he thought it sounded like I was saying, “Well, life’s all over … now we can die.” I laughed and told him, “Far from it! Let me tell you about Friday of last week….” My wife and I decided to take the day off and “head for the hills” for the day to do some of our favorite things - a last hurrah before my teacherly duties began this week. We headed to Flat Rock, NC, to a shop called The Wrinkled Egg. That day we weren’t interested in the shop as much as in the new barbecue place right behind it. It’s called Hubba-Hubba, and let me tell you - HUBBA! HUBBA! We definitely found a new favorite - or as my wife Becka put it, “yet another reason to go to Flat Rock!” We picked up a cranberry-apricot scone at the bakery in the back of the Wrinkled Egg for dessert/mid-afternoon snack and headed for Carl Sandburg’s house. We didn’t want to tour the house on this trip - we just wanted to see how this year’s baby goats were doing. We took the hike to where the goats are kept and enjoyed petting them. Here’s a picture of Connemara (the Sandburg’s house) and a picture of Becka with several of the kids.

After that we headed to a quilting shop Becka really likes in Hendersonville. What a nice place - they have an area with rocking chairs and magazines for husbands! I had actually brought along my own entertainment a Sudoku book to pass the time pleasantly, warding off dementia while Becka touched every bit of fabric in the place (of which there is a lot!) After that we went to Lyda farms to get some produce and some early apples. From there we headed off to the Pisgah National Forest near Brevard, NC, to go to Sliding Rock. It was really crowded, and so I had to wait in line for about a half hour before I could slide down the rock into the 55 degree water in the pool at the bottom. Below is a 10 second video clip of Sliding Rock (viewable on the blog itself, not in e-mail or blog readers).

Here’s a picture of me ready to begin my trip down the rock…

The line was even longer by that time and we had some other things we wanted to do, so I changed into warm, dry clothes, and away we went!

On the way back to Brevard, we stopped at the ranger station across the road from the Davidson River Campground. They have done a lot of renovation on the ranger station, and there’s a lot for children to enjoy inside. One thing we enjoyed outside the ranger station was watching hummingbirds visit their two feeders. After that, we went shopping at four different stores in Brevard (and bought something in each) before having dinner at the Pisgah Fish Camp. While eating dinner we decided to drive back to the ranger station to take some pictures of the hummingbirds - something we hadn’t thought to do earlier.

There were even more hummingbirds when we went back than there had been earlier. And the hummingbirds actually flew right up close to us to check us out! Here’s a little video footage of their activity (viewable on the blog itself, not in e-mail or blog readers). Sorry for the talking in the background - Becka’s on the phone with one of our daughters telling her all about it.

After that, we drove back to Greenville. Now does that sound like two people whose lives are all done and are now ready to die?!

I can’t figure out a way to work up a poll question to get at the following - have you decided to and actually gone ahead and tried out any of the activities and/or places that I’ve written about in the past several years on my blog? If so, which one/s? Since it’s impossible to structure as a multiple choice poll question, please just tell about it in the comments to this post.

quotation…

“What you live for and base your decisions on has the greatest effect on your children.” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have become really good friends.

Tags: Olympics, shopping, sports, Sudoku, travel

Well, wedding season is already in full swing. Since we are in a university context, we are invited to many weddings. This past week we had two weddings - one Tuesday evening where I sang in a duet, and one Friday afternoon - the wedding of a teaching colleague.

We’re excited for all these young couples as they begin their lives together, but we’re also saddened to learn of some young couples who are working through marital problems. I believe that most if not all problems in marriage have their root in selfishness on the part of one or both spouses. I think some of the problems stem from unrealisitic expectations - expecting that any one human can be your source of happiness.

Today’s iv is a light-hearted look at this issue.

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch … you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman excitedly goes to the Husband Store to find herself the perfect husband….

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, “I should probably stop here!” But she feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and reads the sign:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, my goodness!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on up to the sixth floor where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that some women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

The Wife Store

There is actually also a Wife Store, right across the street from the Husband Store. It works the same way as the Husband Store - it also has 6 floors, you can enter only once, and there is only one direction to go.

The doors read:

Floor 1 - These women are beautiful.

Floor 2 - These women are beautiful and have money.

What is on the other floors, nobody knows. No man has ever gone past the second floor!

Megan and Drew arrived safe and sound shortly after noon on Saturday. Drew did very well on his first flight. We decided to surprise Nora by celebrating her birthday a month and a half early since we wouldn’t all be together on her actual birthday. That’s about the only way we could ever surprise her. Here she is blowing out the candles on her keylime cheesecake….

Of course Becka enjoyed having our three kids and our grandson here for Mother’s Day. Here’s a picture of our little guy on our kitchen floor this morning. I’m sure there will be more pictures to share later this week.

The house wrens have been busily filling the bird house with sticks. Here’s what things looked like inside the house this morning….

Here’s what this bit of “prime real estate” looks like from the outside…

Who says there’s a housing crisis?!?

quotation…

“There are five Gospels: Matthew Mark, Luke, John, and the Christian, and some people will never read the first four.” - Irish evangelist Gypsy Smith

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Rob

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

Tags: birds, men, shopping, weddings and marriage, women

In my last blog post I had a good time poking fun at some of the unsafe things men do at times. Since ivman is an equal opportunity tease, today’s post has a little fun at the expense of women. I’ve accumulated some pictures of what things would look like if women ruled the world. Some would quip, “Whaddya mean, IF women ruled the world?!?” Well, anyway, below are some very funny pictures. (The following is not a political statement on the scary prospect of a Hillary presidency. I’m not sure she’s “into” many of the feminine touches lampooned in this blog post, though she’s reputed to be quite the cookie baker.)

Bowling alleys would take on a different appearance.

Many tools, kits, and objects more often used by men would look quite different also.

Even the once familiar Swiss Army knife might be hard to recognize.

And hiking boots would be redesigned for nature loving women who prefer high heels.

If the male-dominated world of computers underwent a softening effect, things could also look very different.

And computers would actually have an “any key”

Prison life would be even cushier. (We have Martha Stewart to thank for this!)

Credit cards would take on new functions to meet a woman’s shopping needs.

Even popular tourist attractions might have to undergo modifications to make them more aesthetically pleasing.

Then, of course, bathrooms would be radically changed to suit a woman’s tastes.

Car shopping would be easier for some women, with fewer difficult choices.

But then other cars would look different and have great new features.

And on that same side of the car for the gals in England….

No consideration of a world run by women would be complete without a look at women and driving. A “women’s world” would include signs thoughtfully warning of traffic surveillance cameras.

There would be special “women only” parking spaces with appropriate modifications for their special needs.

Finally, a world ruled by women would have proper signage along our highways.

quotation…

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?” - Linda Ellerbee

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Rob

“My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.” - Erma Bombeck

Let the comments begin….

Tags: computers, funny pix, Martha Stewart, shopping, signs, women

I mentioned in my last blog post that I have chosen not to have ads on my website. More than several people have urged me to have ads to help cover the cost of having a website. I’d rather pay the price and be in control of what appears on my site. I am reluctant to give an advertiser the opportunity and access to put anything on my site that I wouldn’t want to be there.

That said, today I’m chosing to put display some ads … for your amusement. You’ll understand as you work your way down the page.

Because of the ads, some shopping bags are almost too good to throw away….

Some ads are clever, partially because of their placement….

Sometimes even though an ad is well placed, people or things end up in a bad spot…

Sometimes several ads in close proximity send mixed messages…

And then some ads are just simply poorly placed. This is one of my fears with something like Google AdSense, where Google will pick up on a key word on the page and then place an ad that seems to go with what’s on a website, when it actually doesn’t….

quotation…

“Everyone suffers in life. Does your suffering have a purpose? Why suffer for something meaningless?” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

One good thing about kids - they don’t carry pictures of their grandparents!

Tags: advertisements, art, funny pix, shopping