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Posts Tagged ‘signs’

Please Follow the Destructions!


We live in such strange times! There are many people looking for any possible reason to sue someone, even for problems caused by their own idiocy. In hopes of having some legal straw to grasp in the event of a potential lawsuit, many manufacturers now put the weirdest directions and disclaimers on their products. Today's instant vacation is a list of some of those disclaimers on products. Be sure you read this in a place where you can occasionally laugh out loud.

Absurd product warnings and instructions

On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.

On a blanket from Taiwan:
Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

On a Taiwanese shampoo:
Use repeatedly for severe damage.

On the bottle-top of a flavored milk drink in the UK:
After opening, keep upright.

On a New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
Open other end.

On an infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

On a disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a handgun:
Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On a piano:
Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

On work gloves:
For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

On a blender:
Not for use as an aquarium.

On a microscope:
Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

On children's alphabet blocks:
Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

On a wet suit:
Capacity, 1.

On the Washington Post:
Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Once you've read the instructions on a box of Pepperidge Farm frozen raspberry turnovers, it's too late to obey them:
Preheat oven to 475 degrees F before taking package from the freezer.

For incorrigible narcissists, Conair offers this safety tip with its blow dryers:
Never use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

On Boots children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery after taking this medication

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
May cause drowsiness

On an American Airlines packet Of nuts:
Open packet, eat nuts.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Keep out of children

On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Contains nuts

On a bottle of Palmolive dish washing liquid:
Do not use on food.

On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:
If swallowed contact poison control.

On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.

On a packet Of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Here are a few warning signs along the same vein.

use your own brain

self defense against the fence

feeding the animals with fingers

wired to work out

beware of killer frogs

moose crossing

nuts may contain nuts

be prepared

beware of lady

Have you seen any bizarre disclaimers or instructions lately? Please tell us about it in a comment.

quotation...

"Truth causes us to cut between tradition and trends." - Dr. Chris Barney

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

No electrons were harmed in the creation of this blog post, although some were undoubtedly inconvenienced.


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Nice Bathroom Humor


One of the things that my readers appreciate is that what I post is suitable for even the youngest members of the family. So much of what calls itself humor these days ranges from blatant filth to innuendo to bathroom humor.

I've had some interesting pictures and information passed on to me lately, though, that I've been wanting to post. Technically, it's bathroom humor, but not what people normally think of when they hear that expression. You'll understand as you read on....

With so much emphasis today on everything being "green," many will see the practicality in a new device called WashUP. It uses the washer’s discarded water as the water for the toilet. Very clever - after all, who needs clean water for flushing?

washer/toilet combination

Pretty clever, huh?

Another innovation for those multitaskers who are the epitome of practical...

going online

Kind of gives "going online" a whole new meaning!

Some people, though, are more interested in uniqueness or beauty. Here are a couple of glitzy toilets on the market for people into "bathroom bling"...

aquarium toilet

absolutely glitzy toilet

Those who used to visit my funny picture archives will remember the following outdoor toilet from a European city...

European outdoor toilet

Some places in Europe do, however, prefer something with a bit more privacy...

disappearing outdoor bathroom

Scary, huh?

I have several bathroom signs that need little or no explanation.

Here's a sign from a bathroom in the Philippines... (Many thanks to two readers who located the original pictures from before my blog was hacked! Thanks to D.W. for helping me restore this one!) 🙂

a sign in a bathroom in the Philippines - picture is still missing

This bathroom sign is obviously from an upscale establishment... (Thanks to M.H. for helping me restore this one!) 🙂

high-class establishment

This sign says it all for those of us at BJU taking part in the Wellness Challenge...

restroom sign

I'll end this part of the post with a note seen on a bathroom door...

Attention Children: The Bathroom Door is Closed!

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken; I am not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there; but it's been years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am ready.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling, "She's in the BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny only when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two, this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

Oh ... and yes, I still do love you.

Mom

quotation...

"Live your life for the one thing that matters - the pursuit of Jesus Christ." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.


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What Is the Perfect Age to Be?


a sign of the times

What age would you be if you could choose? Is there a perfect age? Small children want to keep being bigger and older, teens want to be in their early 20s, and on and on it goes. Some older people yearn for days when they were more agile and carefree.

At my stage of life, I can see that every age has its advantages and disadvantages. Something inside me still recoils when I'm offered a "senior discount" - it's like ... can that person really think I'm that old?! And yet who would doubt that I'm enjoying being a grandfather? 😀

I experienced one of the downsides today when my eye doctor told me that I have the beginning of a cataract in my right eye. He said I'm young to have this, but it's there. Someone please name another advantage for me ... quick!

My wife forwarded an e-mail to me yesterday with several funny perspectives on aging. I'll start off with a picture too scarily similar to the sign on the right above. Apparently this man was the "poster child" for the sign.

for real

Here's a comic strip that was in the e-mail.

hitting too close to home...

One of the pictures was a pie chart of a senior citizen's time usage.

life segment pie chart

Not all older folks are slow-moving geezers though, as attested by this sign.

hitting too close to home...

But older folks do need to be careful in their activities not to injure themselves. Here's an exemplary senior biker, the picture of health with his helmet.

careful senior cyclist...

Young folks need to be careful from their youth to avoid some problems in their "golden years."

please pass the sunscreen

Someone please pass me the sunscreen....

As I said earlier, an upside to this stage of life is being a grandparent. Here are a couple of pictures of our grandson Drew on the 4th of July - our little flag waver and watching the fireworks with Grandma.

waving the flag

enjoying the fireworks

Here's how he looked one year ago at the fireworks.

baby Drew at the fireworks

Ah! The upsides and downsides of being Drew's age! So I ask again - what age would you be if you could choose? What is the perfect age to be?

One of my readers (a history teacher) suggested a poll question for me - Which of these activities will be part of your 14th of July (Bastille Day) celebration? with several suggested activities - storming a prison, guillotining someone, etc. I laughed and immediately dismissed the idea.

quotation...

"Grace trumps sin every time." - J.D. Crowley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If we'd stop trying to be happy we would probably enjoy life more.


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Do You Remember Burma-Shave Ads?


We recently had a trip down memory lane as we drove along a rural road in our native Ohio and saw a dilipidated barn with the vestiges of an old chewing tobacco ad on one side. It made me think of another slice of Americana from my lifetime - the old Burma-Shave ads on country roads in my childhood.

picture of Burma Shave

Many Americans living today know little about Burma-Shave. But mention it to anyone who lived in America from the 1920s into the early sixties, and you will evoke a lot of memories. Burma-Shave was one of the world's first brushless shaving cream manufacturers, and they spawned heavy competition with their product. Burma-Shave signs were the precursor to modern billboard signs and an interesting diversion on long drives. Before the Interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma-Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters - five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet ... and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma-Shave. There were hundreds and hundreds of variations on these signs. According to snopes.com Burma-Shave even once promised to send a contest winner to Mars as part of a promotional campaign.

Here are some Burma-Shave slogans for your enjoyment:

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma-Shave

IF YOUR PEACH
KEEPS OUT OF REACH
BETTER PRACTICE
WHAT WE PREACH
Burma-Shave

picture of Burma Shave ad

SAID FARMER BROWN
WHO'S BALD ON TOP
"WISH I COULD
ROTATE THE CROP"
Burma-Shave

SHE PUT A BULLET
THROUGH HIS HAT
BUT HE'S HAD CLOSER
SHAVES THAN THAT
Burma-Shave

A MAN, A MISS
A CAR, A CURVE
HE KISSED THE MISS
AND MISSED THE CURVE
Burma-Shave

HENRY THE EIGHTH
SURE HAD TROUBLE
SHORT-TERM WIVES
LONG-TERM STUBBLE
Burma-Shave

IT WOULD BE MORE FUN
TO GO BY AIR
BUT WE CAN'T HANG
THESE SIGNS UP THERE
Burma-Shave

IF YOU DON'T KNOW
WHOSE SIGNS THESE ARE
YOU CAN'T HAVE
DRIVEN VERY FAR
Burma-Shave

Many of their series urged safe driving. Here are some of those:

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma-Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma-Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
Burma-Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma-Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma-Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma-Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma-Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma-Shave

THIRTY DAYS
HATH SEPTEMBER
APRIL, JUNE
AND THE SPEED OFFENDER
Burma-Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma-Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma-Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma-Shave

This is their last slogan, used in 1963:

OUR FORTUNE
IS YOUR SHAVEN FACE
IT'S OUR BEST
ADVERTISING SPACE
Burma-Shave

And an all time favorite:

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma-Shave

I hope that you "oldsters" enjoyed this little trip down nostalgia lane and that you "youngsters" learned a bit of Americana.

divider

Becka and I are having a very enjoyable week with our family in Michigan. We're going to brave the fireworks display tomorrow evening that preceded our accident last summer, figuring the odds are low that the same thing would happen two years in a row.

The week before we arrived, one of our daughter Megan's friends who is a photographer did a "photo shoot" with Drew and another one of Drew's little friends. Here are a few of the best pictures of our little shaver:

Drew - photo shoot

Drew - photo shoot

Drew - photo shoot

Drew - photo shoot

Drew - photo shoot

Drew - photo shoot

In our hometown in Ohio, we were surprised to see among all the closed businesses in the downtown a place we thought for sure would be long gone by now, but it's still open! It's always been called the Smoke House and it's the place where the "hoods" would all hang out and shoot pool back when we lived in Fostoria. Not only is this veritable institution (est. 1907) still open, but it has a new sign. What is wrong with this picture?

no smoking at the Smoke House

I wish all you American readers a Happy 4th of July!

quotation...

Here at the 4th of July, you might find the following quotation interesting....

"American supremacy is the greatest threat to the world today." - George Soros, billionaire benefactor of MoveOn.org

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Nostalgia simply isn't what is used to be.


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Bloopers


I found some great pictures recently that show blooper type errors.

Detals! Detals!

detals

Here are several road signs that are great bloopers....

not a through toad

people might stop to look

I'm surprised they let the baggage on board!

the baggage was x-rayed

I wonder if English is this woman's official language....

the offical language

Now on to the sampling of the bulletin bloopers....

Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Ladies don't forget the rummage sale at - this is a good chance to get rid of things not worth keeping. Bring your husbands.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

The activity will take place on the church barking lot.

Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

quotation...

"If it doesn't produce a change, it's not the gospel." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Live your life in such a way that your colleagues, friends and family can defend you - but never have to.


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