ivman's blague

Have you ever laughed out loud reading the headlines in the newspaper? It certainly beats the weeping that some headlines cause! Our local writers have a special knack at coming up with punny headlines and even the occasional head-scratchers that leave you wondering if the wording was intentional.

I have collected some headlines in my files that I’m sharing today, followed by some scanned pictures of some bad headlines or opening sentences.

(Disclaimer: the humor of some of these is in how inappropriate their wording makes them sound.)

March Planned For Next August

Lucky Man Sees Pals Die in Crash

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death’s Door — Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled — No Interest Among Students, et al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails — Fans Protest

Women’s Movement Called More Broad-Based

Researchers call murder a threat to public health

Police use tear gas, SWAT team, battering ram, stun gun to oust woman 65

8 Bagels for $1.49 — Limit 3

Death in the ring: Most boxers are not the same afterwards

Ski areas closed due to snow

Chester Morrill, 92, Was Fed Secretary

Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors With Lights

Legalized Outhouses Aired by Legislature

Difference between day and night found on tour of Torrington schools

All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad

Jerk Injures Neck, Wins Award

Fried chicken cooked in microwave wins trip

Tester links pygmy defect to shortness

Fire officials grilled over kerosene heaters

Lower Age for Elderly Opposed

Sewer input sought

Man shot to death in Cavalier Manor

Reader is upset over dog eating Filipinos

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Sheriff

Mirror robber given 10 months to reflect

Lack of brains hinders research

‘Light’ meals are lower in fat, calories

Alcohol ads promote drinking

Malls try to attract shoppers

Official: Only rain will cure drought

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty

Man shoots neighbor with machete

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones

Bible Church’s focus is the Bible

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Killer Sentenced To Die for Second Time in 10 Years

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Is not Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Cold Temperatures

Local Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snack

Clock Thief Faces Time

Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Line

Deer Kill 17,000

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed the Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Windows Blocked by Board

4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

I’ve put a new poll in the sidebar of the blog. It will be up for one week only.

quotation…

“If Scripture doesn’t take me to a Christ-centered life, I’ve missed the point of Scripture.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Ever wonder why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Tags: funny pix, society

Now that the elections are past, we’re hearing reports on the news about the increase in gun sales. With rising economic problems we’re also hearing about more and more home invasions. The newscasters collectively scratch their heads and wonder why either of these is happening. I have some ideas about why … do you?

I’ve had a piece in my files for quite a while that seemed like a good thing to share at this time. It’s the story of a more subtle home invasion by a stranger and the impact on the family.

The Stranger

A few months before I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger? He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn’t seem to mind.

Sometimes Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read her books. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home … not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long-time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

my dad was a teetotaler who didn’t permit alcohol in the home, not even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked… and NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.

Still, if you were to walk into my parents’ den today you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?

We just call him “TV” for short.

A close companion of his has moved in with us. We call her “Computer.”

How does your family handle TV and computer usage, especially those of you with children in the home? Our nest is empty, but we have always tried to be very careful what was allowed to be seen and heard on our TV.

quotation…

“If all the people who name Christ were living as they ought to, our country would be going in a different direction.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn’t have in your home. –David Frost

Tags: children, computers, points of view, society, time, TV

Have you ever gone through a corn maze? I don’t remember hearing much about them until the last couple of years … and this year especially. The Pumpkin Patch we went to several weeks ago while in Cincinnati for the weekend had a 7-acre corn maze that looks like the United States from an aerial view. Though the visitors could go through it that day, we didn’t since there were other activities that we thought we’d rather do.

I take it that farmers have begun to do corn mazes for some off-season tourist business in the fall. Our daughter Nora went to a huge corn maze here locally this past week with friends and said it was really fun and scary. I decided to see what I could learn about corn mazes (or “maize mazes”) online and was surprised to find all kinds of pictures and sites. If you’d like to learn more about corn mazes, you can go to http://www.cornfieldmaze.com or to http://www.brownielocks.com/cornmaze.html. You can even try to locate a corn maze near you by going to http://www.cornmazedir.com

Here’s a picture of a neat patriotic corn maze…

Yesterday a student sent me a picture of a corn maze tailor made for one group of visitors….

On this day after the elections here in the USA, I am thankful that the Lord does not have us going though life as if we were in a maze. He knows exactly what He’s doing, and He has most definitely not lost control as everything moves towards His ultimate prophesied end. I’ve had a song going through my head all day and was so pleased that we sang it in church this evening - not once, but twice! It’s a great reminder of the Biblical perspective on things. Here are the lyrics…

There Is a Higher Throne
Words and Music by Keith & Kristyn Getty
Copyright © 2003 Thankyou Music

There is a higher throne
Than all this world has known,
Where faithful ones from ev’ry tongue
Will one day come.
Before the Son we’ll stand,
Made faultless through the Lamb;
Believing hearts find promised grace -
Salvation comes.

REFRAIN
Hear heaven’s voices sing;
Their thund’rous anthem rings
Through em’rald courts and sapphire skies.
Their praises rise.
All glory, wisdom, pow’r,
Strength, thanks, and honor are
To God our King, who reigns on high
Forevermore.

And there we’ll find our home,
Our life before the throne;
We’ll honor Him in perfect song
Where we belong.
He’ll wipe each tear-stained eye
As thirst and hunger die.
The Lamb becomes our Shepherd King;
We’ll reign with Him.

REFRAIN
Hear heaven’s voices sing;
Their thund’rous anthem rings
Through em’rald courts and sapphire skies.
Their praises rise.
All glory, wisdom, pow’r,
Strength, thanks, and honor are
To God our King, who reigns on high
Forevermore.

You can read a great article for believers after the election by clicking here.

Yesterday I put out a new poll question in the sidebar about Daylight Savings time and you. There were also some good punchlines for the most recent blog post.

I hope that some of my readers have gone through a corn maze or maybe some have even constructed one. Please comment away about that or anything else in this post.

quotation…

“Problems in society are just a symptom of the core problem - man’s estrangement from God.” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

Opportunities are not lost - they just go to someone else.

Tags: airheads, blondes, entertainment, points of view, politics, society

This past Friday my wife Becka, our daughter Nora, and I headed north for Cincinnati, Ohio, after my last class ended. Our older daughter Megan, our son-in-law Jim, and our grandson Drew headed south for Cincinnati and arrived earlier in the evening than we did. We all thoroughly enjoyed our quiet weekend together. One of our activities on Saturday was to go to the Pumpkin Patch at Blooms and Berries Farm Market in Loveland, Ohio. We did not do all the activities available there since several members of our party were not feeling their best with colds. We did enjoy seeing all sorts of fall produce on display and for sale and a hayride which included a stop at their pumpkin patch. Here are a few pictures from our afternoon there.

On the way up to Cincinnati and back we saw a number of questionable drivers and interestingly loaded vehicles. Some people did not let having no truck keep them from hauling whatever it was they wanted to transport. This practice is known all over the world, though, as the following pictures readily testify to what people will do when they have no truck.

During our summers in Asia we saw similar scenes, to our amazement! I am very thankful for my little pickup truck which has come in very handy for hauling all sorts of things.

Even though I have a truck, there are some things with which I have “no truck.” Having no truck comes from the French verb “troquer” which means swap, trade, barter. So when someone says he “has no truck with something,” it means he refuses to have dealings with something. For instance, I have no truck with the Marxist ideal of “redistributing wealth.” I also have no truck with abortion.

On purpose, I try to steer clear of politics on this blog, since the answer to mankind’s problems is the Lord, not politicians. I have to say that I am not wildly enthusiastic about either of the two major candidates in the presidential race, so please do not misconstrue what I’m saying as tacit approval of either candidate. Once again this election year, I will have to plug my nose and vote for one person mainly as a vote against the other person. As much as a third party vote would make me feel good, I need to be able to sleep at night.

This past Friday two young pastors whose blogs I follow both did a blog post which I feel compelled to pass on to my readers in light of our elections in two short weeks. I would really like to urge you to check out these two posts, which I pass on without comment - one on a blog called Pensées and another on a blog called My Two Cents.

I would appreciate your comments on our weekend, the people with no truck, and the matters with which I have no truck. I’ve added a new poll question in the sidebar about your predictions concerning the outcome of the presidential election.

quotation…

“God’s plans will not fail to be accomplished.” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

He who runs behind truck is exhausted. He who runs in front of truck is tired.

Tags: Cincinnati, drivers, French, points of view, politics, society

Who wants to be the bearer of yet more bad news with all the financial gloom and doom already out there? But something has come to my attention that I feel duty bound to share with my readers. (Here at ivman, we’re known for tackling the hard things as well as doing the fun things.) I’ve just read that uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking sector. Read on, if you can take it….

In this past 7 days the following has happened in the Japanese banking world:

Origami Bank has folded.

Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks.

Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that customers may get a raw deal!

All right, so I’m an incorrigible punster. Some would say, don’t laugh at him - it only incorriges him. But it does do the heart good to chuckle when times are unsettling. Here in America things are so bad that they’ve printed a new dollar bill:

But all joking aside, these financial woes are indeed worldwide and serious, particularly right before the elections here in the USA. There are so many huge issues out there at this time, but this one seems to be front and center, as it should be. As good as it is to be able to laugh a little, it’s definitely no fun at all to watch the stock market roller coaster, knowing that what little we have towards retirement is being affected by what’s going on in the market. That said, we know that God’s promises to care for His children are not dependent on or at the whim of this world’s economics.

What are some of you doing at this time in reaction to the financial situation? Do you have any words of wisdom to share?

quotation…

“I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread.” Psalm 37:25

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Rob

Q: What is the difference between a banker and a pigeon?
A: A pigeon can still afford to put a deposit on a Ferrari.

Tags: Japan, points of view, puns, society