ivman's blague

Do you enjoy fielding tough questions? As a teacher I have been accused of posing unanswerable questions on my tests. But let me tell you, I’ve been asked some real doozies by my students as well. Our children asked us some hard questions as they grew up. In fact at one stage of life, our son Mark asked so many questions that we nicknamed him “Question Mark.” In case you’ve not seen a recent interview of Biden on a TV station in Florida, you can see it either on YouTube or on the WFTV website. It’s clear that Biden, who has not had to field many tough questions in recent days, did not enjoy the experience.

Today’s iv is a list of tough questions you probably wouldn’t want to have to answer.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before he’s considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Since sandwich bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? What’s that extra penny going to?

What did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?

Can a stupid person be a smart-alec?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints, is it considered racism?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Do you overthrow a puppet government with toy guns?

Do pilots take crash courses?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If blind people wear dark glasses, should deaf people wear earmuffs?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do chickens think we taste like?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders?

If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” then what is the opposite of progress?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If people aren’t supposed to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

When a Smurf chokes, what color does it turn?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, what treatment could you give them?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

Speaking of which, don’t forget to switch your clocks back to standard time this weekend if you’re on Daylight savings time here in the USA.

I’m sure my readers have some tough questions of their own that they could add. Please post them in the comments.

For the last ten days I’ve had a poll question in the sidebar - Who do you think will be the next president of the USA? The results were 37 think it will be Obama, 32 think it will be McCain, and 1 thinks it will be a third-party candidate. I’ve now put a new poll question in the sidebar - For whom will you be casting your vote for president? (please, only those who will actually be casting a vote in this election) I thought with all the other polls of questionable scientificity out there, ivman would add one more to the mix. (Don’t look for this one to be quoted by the MSM….)

quotation…

“Money is America’s god, and money cannot save us.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question … or is it?

Tags: politics, students, teachers, tests, time

Does the thought of taking tests fill you with terror? Probably. Classes haven’t even begun for us yet, and I’m already thinking about tests. We’re in faculty in-service meetings this week on campus and they have been excellent - very helpful and thought-provoking! Next week we’ll be working in our offices getting our courses ready to go. Then after several days of course registration, classes will begin September 3. Part of teaching is writing and grading tests. But tests aren’t limited just to the realms of academia. Many potential employees have to take tests to show their competencies for the jobs they’d like to land.

Here’s a story about a man in that very situation.

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

Tom seems like a good prospect, and the inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz. He starts off by asking, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says, “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever,” answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continues, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone were busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argues, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

Tom quickly replies, “In that case I’d run into town and get my Uncle Leo.”

The puzzled inspector asks, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash!”

(So, did Tom pass the test and land the job?)

Now here’s a little test for you. It appears to be a list of trick questions with obvious answers, but it really is!

The world’s easiest test?

(Answers follow, but NO cheating!)

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get catgut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI’s first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

Now remember … NO cheating!

Answers to the world’s easiest test…

1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2. Ecuador.

3. From sheep and horses.

4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5. Squirrel fur.

6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria — Island of the Dogs.

7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.

8. Distinctively crimson.

9. New Zealand. (Chinese gooseberries is an older name for kiwifruit.)

10. Thirty years, of course! From 1618 to 1648.

If that test made you feel as dumb as it made me feel, maybe this final item about testing will make you feel like a rocket scientist (or at least a rocket surgeon…).

A college football coach had recruited a top talent for the team, but the player couldn’t pass the school’s entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office.

“OK,” the dean said, “What is seven times seven?”

The recruit looked terrified as he thought it over for a moment then said, “I think it’s 49.”

The coach immediately jumped to his feet. “Oh, come on, Dean,” he begged, “give him another chance!”

Lends weight to the oxymoronic nature of the expression “sports scholarship,” doesn’t it? Do you have a test experience you’d like to tell about? We’d love to read about it in the comments.

quotation…

“Right affections lead to right thinking, and right thinking leads to right living.” - Dr. Bryan Smith

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, then the lesson afterwards.

Tags: school, sports, teaching, tests, trains, work

The first year I taught high school, fresh out of college, I had several seniors in my second year French class. Those seniors turned 50 a year or so ago. This year those who were sophomores and in my first year French class that year are now turning 50. Such a sobering reminder that little Drew is not the only one who’s aging!

Someone sent me an e-mail recently to test my memory. I either watched too much television as a child or I am really old - surely not both! The e-mail said that the test was a pushover for anyone over 50. You younger readers may struggle with some of these, and some will be a great trip down memory lane for a lot of people.

So here you go, test your memory (or your ability to make intelligent guesses):

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G.. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammad Ali, he was…
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, “We have met the enemy and….”
A. It’s you
B. He is us
C. It’s the Grinch
D. He wasn’t home
E. He’s really mean
F. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night, David.
A. Good night, Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good Night, Irene
D. Good Night, Gracie
E. See you later, alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night, Steve

5. You’ll wonder where the yellow went,
A. When you wash your clothes with Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper’s Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend,
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar…
A. You’re a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I’m telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and…
A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. Freedom of speech
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines

9. Hey, kids, what time is it?
A. It’s time for Yogi Bear
B. It’s time to do your homework
C. It’s Howdy Doody Time
D. It’s Time for Romper Room
E. It’s bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears…
A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I’m scared
E. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
H. Let’s run

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don’t know
F. Who says, “Trust me”
G. Who eats tofu

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women’s stockings.
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C.. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream…
A. Smear it on
B. You’ll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Greaseball heaven
E. It’s a dream
F. We’re on your team
G. A little dab’ll do ya

14. I found my thrill…
A. And you can too
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. On Blueberry Hill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. With thyme and dill

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

16. Name the Beatles.
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who…
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Who are you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who am I?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18. I’m strong to the finish…
A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I’m the hero
E. And don’t you forget it!
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. And outlast Bruto

19. When it’s least expected, you’re elected, you’re the star today…
A. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you’re on Star Search
C. Smile, you’ve just won life’s lottery
D. Smile, we’re watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you’re a hit
G. Smile, you’re on TV

20. You can trust your car to the man who wears the star,…
A. It’s the Lone Ranger!
B. And he will take you far
C. Our man Friday
D. He’ll have you on the road in no time!
E. Deputy Dog
F. The big bright Texaco star
G. Sheriff Matt Dillon

Now for the answers….

1. d - Wonder Bread
2. g - Cassius Clay
3. b - He Is Us
4. a - Good night, Chet
5. g - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. d - Maynard G. Krebbs
7. c - Pants On Fire
8. f - The American Way
9. c - It’s Howdy Doody Time
10. e - Oh my
11. d - Over 30
12. c - Joe Namath
13. g - A little dab’ll do ya
14. g - On Blueberry Hill
15. b - Mary Martin
16. g - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. d - Who wrote the book of Love
18. b - Cause I eats me spinach
19. a - Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
20. f - The big bright Texaco star

For those who don’t know Pogo…

This has been a good week - much less busy and hectic than recent weeks have been. A week from Sunday (March 9) our grandson Drew will be a year old already! Those of you who were reading my blog at the time of his birth will be amazed that his premature birth was almost a year ago! He’s doing very well - crawling all over, smiling with six teeth, and pulling himself up on furniture. Grandma and Aunt Nora will be driving up for a long weekend to help celebrate his birthday. Grandpa will be holding down the fort here, quenching his students’ thirst for knowledge and feeding the livestock (our herd of two cats). I’m sure they’ll send me pictures to post.

quotation…

“We often minimize our sin because we don’t see it as an act of defiance against God.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If Barbie was so popular, why did you have to buy her friends?

Tags: aging, history, nostalgia, tests

Grandma and I plan to leave ASAP after graduation this Saturday to head up to Michigan. A baby dedication has been planned for grandson Drew on Sunday morning at Jim and Megan’s church, and we’re looking forward to being there. Nora and Mark will be holding down there fort here at our house, watering the garden, caring for the cats, etc., while we’re up north for a week. We hope to drive down to Ohio one day so that my mom can see her latest great-grandson.

Today’s blog post is a parental readiness test. I know of several people who read my blog who are awaiting their first child (or second, third, etc.), have small children, have recently adopted, or have even raised their kids and are now enjoy having grandkids. Today’s iv is advice especially to those are thinking about having a baby for the first time. I don’t know who wrote the following, but I personally found that some of it may be at least a tiny bit exaggerated.

Are you ready to be a parent? Take the following parental readiness test….

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Next, go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its corporate office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it’s the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5 p.m. until 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8 - 12 pounds. At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 a.m. and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. Since you can’t go back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a pot of tea. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m. Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Will you be able to stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look to you?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

6. Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front walk. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand until all the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You’re now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the closest thing to a pre-school child that you can find. A fully-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, DO NOT even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops and attempt to spoon it into the hole in the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

12. Learn the names of every character from ‘Barney and Friends’, ‘Sesame Street’, and ‘Power Rangers’. When you find yourself singing, “I love you, you love me” at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

***
Here’s something that combines the parental readiness theme and this Saturday’s being the Cinco de Mayo….

One young woman didn’t think she’d ever have a mother’s intuition. One day her sister left her alone in a restaurant with her 10-month-old nephew. She asked the child’s mother, “What do I do if he cries?”

She said, “Give him some vegetables.”

It turned out that jalapeño was not his favorite.

quotation…

“What people don’t know can hurt them.” - Dr. Steve Hankins

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it yourself, 2) hire someone to do it, or 3) forbid your kids to do it

Tags: children, dads, funny pix, moms, tests