ivman's blague

Now that the elections are past, we’re hearing reports on the news about the increase in gun sales. With rising economic problems we’re also hearing about more and more home invasions. The newscasters collectively scratch their heads and wonder why either of these is happening. I have some ideas about why … do you?

I’ve had a piece in my files for quite a while that seemed like a good thing to share at this time. It’s the story of a more subtle home invasion by a stranger and the impact on the family.

The Stranger

A few months before I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger? He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn’t seem to mind.

Sometimes Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read her books. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home … not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long-time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

my dad was a teetotaler who didn’t permit alcohol in the home, not even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked… and NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.

Still, if you were to walk into my parents’ den today you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?

We just call him “TV” for short.

A close companion of his has moved in with us. We call her “Computer.”

How does your family handle TV and computer usage, especially those of you with children in the home? Our nest is empty, but we have always tried to be very careful what was allowed to be seen and heard on our TV.

quotation…

“If all the people who name Christ were living as they ought to, our country would be going in a different direction.” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn’t have in your home. –David Frost

Tags: children, computers, points of view, society, time, TV

Do you enjoy fielding tough questions? As a teacher I have been accused of posing unanswerable questions on my tests. But let me tell you, I’ve been asked some real doozies by my students as well. Our children asked us some hard questions as they grew up. In fact at one stage of life, our son Mark asked so many questions that we nicknamed him “Question Mark.” In case you’ve not seen a recent interview of Biden on a TV station in Florida, you can see it either on YouTube or on the WFTV website. It’s clear that Biden, who has not had to field many tough questions in recent days, did not enjoy the experience.

Today’s iv is a list of tough questions you probably wouldn’t want to have to answer.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before he’s considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Since sandwich bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? What’s that extra penny going to?

What did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?

Can a stupid person be a smart-alec?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints, is it considered racism?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Do you overthrow a puppet government with toy guns?

Do pilots take crash courses?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If blind people wear dark glasses, should deaf people wear earmuffs?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do chickens think we taste like?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders?

If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” then what is the opposite of progress?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If people aren’t supposed to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

When a Smurf chokes, what color does it turn?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, what treatment could you give them?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

Speaking of which, don’t forget to switch your clocks back to standard time this weekend if you’re on Daylight savings time here in the USA.

I’m sure my readers have some tough questions of their own that they could add. Please post them in the comments.

For the last ten days I’ve had a poll question in the sidebar - Who do you think will be the next president of the USA? The results were 37 think it will be Obama, 32 think it will be McCain, and 1 thinks it will be a third-party candidate. I’ve now put a new poll question in the sidebar - For whom will you be casting your vote for president? (please, only those who will actually be casting a vote in this election) I thought with all the other polls of questionable scientificity out there, ivman would add one more to the mix. (Don’t look for this one to be quoted by the MSM….)

quotation…

“Money is America’s god, and money cannot save us.” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question … or is it?

Tags: politics, students, teachers, tests, time

Are you a fan of “reality TV” and so-called reality shows? I have viewed very little of them because many of them don’t seem to be reality in my way of thinking. Take Fear Factor, for example. I could never figure out how getting people to do something they would never consider doing on their own - like eating horrific bugs or suspending themselves over a deep precipice - is “reality.” Maybe some of my readers coud enlighten me on what I seem to be missing here.

Recently I received an e-mail with a great idea for a new Survivor series that I thought had some possibilities. See what you think.

new Survivor series

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of ‘pretend’ bills with not enough money. In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time–no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment, and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside, and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will have access to television only when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed. He must also work out daily and ensure that his body looks like it did when he was twenty.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor’s name. Also the child’s weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child’s favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, “You’re not the boss of me”.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man left on the island wins, and he gets to play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years, eventually earning the right to be called Mom!

I’ve put a new poll question in the sidebar about your viewing of reality TV programs.

quotation…

“The fact is that we pray about what we care about most. If your prayer isn’t God-focused it’s because your life isn’t God-focused.” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

Tags: children, men, time, TV

Earlier this week I posted the obituary of my former German professor, colleague and friend, Edith Long. Today I am shocked to have to tell you about the death of her son Paul on the way home from his mom’s funeral. I am saddened beyond words.

With all the news coverage of Hurricane Ike yesterday and today, what would have been a huge news story - the horrible train crash in the Los Angeles area - has been pushed to the background. Paul, Karen, and Devin Long flew back home yesterday (Friday) after several days with Paul’s family here in Greenville. Paul told me after the graveside service that he was dreading having to connect through Dallas with all the news about the storm expected to go through there. As far as I know, they got through Dallas fine. However, our Lord had it in His plan that they would be aboard the Metrolink commuter train involved in yesterday’s collision. Karen and Devin each suffered minor injuries, but Paul suffered severe head trauma that resulted in his death this afternoon. Paul’s sister Gail sent me a link this afternoon to an article in the NY Times about the crash. Paul’s son Devin was interviewed shortly after the accident yesterday and quoted in the article. I put the link further down in this blog post, but the article has changed in the last hour, maybe with the news of Paul’s death. Here’s what was in the original article:

“Witnesses described a scene of instant terror. Devin Long, 16, was sitting in the middle car with his parents when the trains collided. “There was a great big jerk,” he said. “I heard what sounded like a bunch of cars colliding, like a multicar crash. Both my parents went flying. Next thing I knew, I was on the floor between the exit doors.” Mr. Long was thrown from his seat, but remained conscious.

His father, Paul Long, 56, lay unconscious but breathing by the stairwell to the second level of the double-decker car. His mother, Karen Long, 55, was injured but alert, he said. “When I saw the condition Dad was in, I sort of freaked out,” he said. “Mom was trying to communicate with Dad. I turned around and saw all the seat cushions tossed about the car. There was blood everywhere. People had cuts on their heads and faces, legs; they had many injuries.”

You may read whatever form the article now has by clicking here.

Paul was three years behind me in college, but through his mom, he and I got to know each other while I was in college and he was still in high school. We shared a very similar sense of humor. Paul was a long-time reader of my e-mails and my blog, and he sent me quite a bit of humor and even some more reflective types of things. Whenever he and his family came to Greenville to visit, we would have lunch together.

Please pray for his wife Karen and son Devin, as well as Paul’s three siblings and their families. They have not even had time to begin to process Edith’s homegoing and are in total shock about Paul’s sudden departure for heaven. We’re all reeling from the shocking suddenness of this all, but we’re comforted by the knowledge that our Lord has not lost control - this was all in His loving plan for us all.

Today, I’m going to post the last thing my friend Paul sent to me. At the beginning of his e-mail he said, “Unfortunately, I remember most of these!”

Things you don’t hear anymore…

Be sure to refill the ice trays - we’re going to have company after while.

Watch for the postman - I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today.

Quit slamming the screen door when you are on your way out!

Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won’t get on it.

You boys stay close by - the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.

There’s a dollar in my purse. Get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.

It’s getting hot. Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here.

Don’t forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.

Why can’t you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.

You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.

Don’t you go outside with your good school clothes on!

Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.

If you pull that stunt again, I’m going to wear you out!

Get out from under the sewing machine; bumping it messes up the thread!

That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don’t care how cold it is out there, dogs just don’t come in the house.

Wash your feet before you go to bed. They are nasty from playing outside all day barefooted.

Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won’t have to pay a deposit on another one.

Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don’t quit!

Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by - I need to get a few things from him.

You can walk to the store; it won’t hurt you to get some exercise.

Don’t sit too close to the TV. It’s hard on your eyes.

Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.

It is time for your system to get cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.

If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you’ll get another one when you get home.

Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!

quotation…

“He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” Jim Elliot

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Rob

“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12

Tags: death, nostalgia, time, trains

My annual annoyance at having to switch from Daylight Savings Time to “real time” has been expanded this year by a decision from our Congress-critters (those that I prefer to think of as “they who know what’s best for the rest of us, even though many of their own personal lives are in shambles”) - their decision that we not only have to change the time, but also to change the week that we have to change the time! Tell that to our laptop and to our kitchen radio!!! They both reset themselves to “real time” last Sunday. Grr! The radio, I can do nothing to remedy - the autoset is built in. But for the computer I found a handy little free utility you can download from Microsoft called tzedit. You can download it by clicking on the link in the previous sentence. Save it to somewhere on your computer where you can find it, run the application, choose the Sundays you want the computer to change its time, and you shouldn’t have to do anything more … well maybe not until our Congress-critters decide to have us change time on other Sundays - like the 9th Sunday before the Solstace or some such equally sensible thing. Good grief!

I don’t want to sound like an grumpy, old man bemoaning constant changes, but I’m nothing like the woman who wrote what I’m posting today!

We Must Stop These Changing Times … Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier? And, everything is farther away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

Also I have noticed the ground is harder, trails are longer, and the nights have become a lot colder than they used to be!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up, they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?!

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me! I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, really now, even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, and thighs?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually *believe* the number I see on that dial?! HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

One good thing, though - I’m getting stronger! I can now carry $50 worth of groceries in one hand. Used to have make several trips to get them from the car to the kitchen!

WE MUST GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

P.S. By the way, if you’re reading this online and are having trouble with the smaller fonts web designers are using nowadays, you can increase the size of the font easily with the scroll wheel on your mouse. Just hold down the Ctrl key and turn the scroll wheel. This works with Internet Explorer, Firefox, and Opera browsers.

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Our daughter Megan took some cute pictures of our grandson Drew yesterday in the leaves. He looks so happy in this picture, right before what Megan has called his “meltdown.” He has been a little crabby for several days, but yesterday afternoon he just cried and cried inconsolably. Megan did some checking and discovered that he’s cutting two bottom front teeth - his first. Poor little guy. Anyway, here he is when he used to be a happy child…

Last weekend the Detroit Zoo had what was called Boo at the Zoo for parents with small children. Meg and Jim dressed Drew up like a little sweet pea and took him to the zoo. Here’s a picture of our little “Sweet Pea.”

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Month two of the wellness program is past. I’ve met my goals both months. If I lose two more pounds, I’ll be into the category for my height. If I can’t shed those two pounds, I may buy elevator shoes instead.

It’s hard to believe how fast this semester is flying by! Three weeks from today is Thanksgiving Day. My wife and I will be here at home alone with a Cornish game hen or something, since our two local kids will be out of town for Thanksgiving.

quotation…

“God is a Person who has everything you really need and who joys in pouring it out on you every day.” - Dr. Dan Olinger

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Rob

“Children are allergic to clean clothes.” - Dr. Gary Guthrie

Tags: aging, senior citizens, time, wellness