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Posts Tagged ‘wellness’

Patients’ Charts

It's good to laugh, especially at times to laugh about what you're currently dealing with. I thought I good dose of medical humor might be in order. Today I'm posting a list of notes that doctors have supposedly written on patients' charts. It appears that the physician's handwriting may not have always been the issue here....

Doctors' notes on patients' charts...

The patient complains of a dry cough that hurts when he coughs and also when he takes deep breaths for 4 days.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Patient arrived by avalanche.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared completely.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient is disabled with a wife from Portsmouth.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.

She is numb from her toes down.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. ___ to dispose of him.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ___, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The other foot has the missing toe.


Because of an outbreak of whooping cough among the university students, our semester has been shortened by one week. That means that final exams are now this week instead of next. There are fewer students with whooping cough than the rumors would indicate, but the situation is a serious matter. The medical personnel are isolating those who have one or two of the symptoms and are administering a 5-day antibiotic. Many are also receiving vaccinations. Becka and I are glad that when we went for our tetanus booster a month or so ago, they gave us each a DPT immunization, the P of which stands for pertussis. Please pray for us all as we navigate through this stressful week. Pray for those overreacting and underreacting, that wisdom would prevail. 🙂


"If it doesn't look like Christ, can it claim to be Christianity?" - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are NOT a hypochondriac.

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Sign Language

This week our team captain for the Wellness Program sent us a cartoon that one of our teammates sent him. The comic strip is called "Close to home," but in my way of thinking, it's a little too close to home!

I have received or run across a lot of funny signs lately and thought this might be a good time for a blog post that was mainly pictures.

Here's another cartoon ... this one being related to the topic of today's blog post...

Some signs give us warnings...

Some signs are meant to give good directions, but somehow fail to do so...

Some signs are hard to understand or to read...

And some signs just make you smile...

(We remember the following one from here in Greenville...)

I especially like the good reminder that the following sign gives...


"Am I living as I shall wish I had lived when I come to die?" - C. H. Spurgeon

=^..^= =^..^=

How many people thought of the Post-it note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?

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Changing Times

My annual annoyance at having to switch from Daylight Savings Time to "real time" has been expanded this year by a decision from our Congress-critters (those that I prefer to think of as "they who know what's best for the rest of us, even though many of their own personal lives are in shambles") - their decision that we not only have to change the time, but also to change the week that we have to change the time! Tell that to our laptop and to our kitchen radio!!! They both reset themselves to "real time" last Sunday. Grr! The radio, I can do nothing to remedy - the autoset is built in. But for the computer I found a handy little free utility you can download from Microsoft called tzedit. You can download it by clicking on the link in the previous sentence. Save it to somewhere on your computer where you can find it, run the application, choose the Sundays you want the computer to change its time, and you shouldn't have to do anything more ... well maybe not until our Congress-critters decide to have us change time on other Sundays - like the 9th Sunday before the Solstace or some such equally sensible thing. Good grief!

I don't want to sound like an grumpy, old man bemoaning constant changes, but I'm nothing like the woman who wrote what I'm posting today!

We Must Stop These Changing Times ... Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier? And, everything is farther away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

Also I have noticed the ground is harder, trails are longer, and the nights have become a lot colder than they used to be!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up, they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?!

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me! I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, really now, even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, and thighs?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually *believe* the number I see on that dial?! HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

One good thing, though - I'm getting stronger! I can now carry $50 worth of groceries in one hand. Used to have make several trips to get them from the car to the kitchen!


P.S. By the way, if you're reading this online and are having trouble with the smaller fonts web designers are using nowadays, you can increase the size of the font easily with the scroll wheel on your mouse. Just hold down the Ctrl key and turn the scroll wheel. This works with Internet Explorer, Firefox, and Opera browsers.


Our daughter Megan took some cute pictures of our grandson Drew yesterday in the leaves. He looks so happy in this picture, right before what Megan has called his "meltdown." He has been a little crabby for several days, but yesterday afternoon he just cried and cried inconsolably. Megan did some checking and discovered that he's cutting two bottom front teeth - his first. Poor little guy. Anyway, here he is when he used to be a happy child...

Last weekend the Detroit Zoo had what was called Boo at the Zoo for parents with small children. Meg and Jim dressed Drew up like a little sweet pea and took him to the zoo. Here's a picture of our little "Sweet Pea."

Month two of the wellness program is past. I've met my goals both months. If I lose two more pounds, I'll be into the category for my height. If I can't shed those two pounds, I may buy elevator shoes instead.

It's hard to believe how fast this semester is flying by! Three weeks from today is Thanksgiving Day. My wife and I will be here at home alone with a Cornish game hen or something, since our two local kids will be out of town for Thanksgiving.


"God is a Person who has everything you really need and who joys in pouring it out on you every day." - Dr. Dan Olinger

=^..^= =^..^=

"Children are allergic to clean clothes." - Dr. Gary Guthrie

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Weights and Colors

We had such nice family times while our daughter Megan and grandson Drew were here. Our only regret was that our son-in-law Jim wasn't able to be here too. I know he's happy to have them back home with him now, and I have thanked him for the nice birthday present he gave me of a few days with Meg and Drew. I'll post some pictures later this week. My birthday this year was one of my nicest in my recollection. It was wonderful to spend two evenings together with all three of our kids! That's one of those things you just take for granted when your kids are all living at home as they grow up. You younger couples reading this, enjoy all those family times with your children. The day gets here all too quickly that they're grown up and schedules and distances prevent frequent get-togethers.

Well, the first month of the Wellness Challenge is histoire. It will be interesting to see the results of the various teams' collective efforts. I've received a couple of e-mails lately about the challenge that I thought would make a good iv. One e-mail had pictures of Celebrity Scales that got me to doing a web search. In the process, I found something that I thought was even funnier - animal scales. A second e-mail from the captain of the team my wife and I are on was too good not to pass on to my readers.

No weigh!

We'd probably get a bit miffed if people told us we weighed as much as a pig. But they might actually be correct if we were using the "Animal Scales" pictured below. Step onto the animal scales and compare your weight to that of animals such as a goat, bison, duck, etc. I'm a panda hoping to get down to a Thompson's gazelle.

Here's a picture of the scales...

Here's a close-up of the "weight window"...

Color in your diet is GOOD!

Maxine's story...

"Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors... greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate an entire bowl of those colors and more..."

"And sure enough, I felt better immediately."

"I never knew eating right could be so easy."


"The day that you get saved, you're in the ministry. ... God is always preparing and developing you to serve Him." - Dr. Matt Olson

=^..^= =^..^=

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate.

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Old Age Ain’t for Sissies…

So far, so good on the wellness program. Saturday, the first day of the program, was a little more challenging because my wife and I spent about 5 hours of the day in the car, making a mad dash to the Atlanta area for an hour or so to see the Dekalb Farmers' Market we'd heard about on PBS. It was pretty cool, and definitely worth the detour if you're already in the Atlanta area. We got some neat veggies we can't find here in Greenville - even found some stuff we enjoyed in China!

Sunday will probably be the hardest day of the week for the wellness program with the different schedule involved with Sunday School, church, choir practice, and church again. I got on the stationary bike late Sunday evening, and just couldn't make myself do it, thereby losing a point. Week days and most Saturdays should be much easier, though. I already have earned 14 of the 15 points earnable by this time, and my scales say I've dropped a pound or two already! And drinking all that water each day is already a lot easier! Those of you who read my last blog post will appreciate this - my personal trainer Becka still looks gorgeous!

BTW, I *promise* that, after this, I won't often mention the wellness program in my blog posts. It's still so new that it's on our minds more at the moment than it probably will soon be. If something funny comes up in connection with it, though, that will be a good time to capitalize on it with a blog post.

If this wellness program makes me feel younger, that will be great. I think some of my new freshmen think I'm Methuselah's older, surviving brother, even though I'm not a day over 60! I recently received some good stuff about aging that seemed appropriate at this time.

(I don't know who wrote the following account, but it was not I....)

I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!


A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked, "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"

She replied simply, "No peer pressure."


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, and medications for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "How 'bout Depend, Poise, and other adult incontinence products?"

Pharmacist: "We have crates of them - so you won't run out ... so to speak."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Good! We'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."

This all made me think of a cartoon I'll share below....

What can I say?!


"Being is more important than doing. But being what we are has an impact on what we do." - Dr. Gary Weier

=^..^= =^..^=

Young at heart, but slightly older in other places.

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