ivman's blague

My annual annoyance at having to switch from Daylight Savings Time to “real time” has been expanded this year by a decision from our Congress-critters (those that I prefer to think of as “they who know what’s best for the rest of us, even though many of their own personal lives are in shambles”) - their decision that we not only have to change the time, but also to change the week that we have to change the time! Tell that to our laptop and to our kitchen radio!!! They both reset themselves to “real time” last Sunday. Grr! The radio, I can do nothing to remedy - the autoset is built in. But for the computer I found a handy little free utility you can download from Microsoft called tzedit. You can download it by clicking on the link in the previous sentence. Save it to somewhere on your computer where you can find it, run the application, choose the Sundays you want the computer to change its time, and you shouldn’t have to do anything more … well maybe not until our Congress-critters decide to have us change time on other Sundays - like the 9th Sunday before the Solstace or some such equally sensible thing. Good grief!

I don’t want to sound like an grumpy, old man bemoaning constant changes, but I’m nothing like the woman who wrote what I’m posting today!

We Must Stop These Changing Times … Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier? And, everything is farther away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

Also I have noticed the ground is harder, trails are longer, and the nights have become a lot colder than they used to be!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up, they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?!

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me! I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, really now, even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, and thighs?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually *believe* the number I see on that dial?! HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

One good thing, though - I’m getting stronger! I can now carry $50 worth of groceries in one hand. Used to have make several trips to get them from the car to the kitchen!

WE MUST GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

P.S. By the way, if you’re reading this online and are having trouble with the smaller fonts web designers are using nowadays, you can increase the size of the font easily with the scroll wheel on your mouse. Just hold down the Ctrl key and turn the scroll wheel. This works with Internet Explorer, Firefox, and Opera browsers.

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Our daughter Megan took some cute pictures of our grandson Drew yesterday in the leaves. He looks so happy in this picture, right before what Megan has called his “meltdown.” He has been a little crabby for several days, but yesterday afternoon he just cried and cried inconsolably. Megan did some checking and discovered that he’s cutting two bottom front teeth - his first. Poor little guy. Anyway, here he is when he used to be a happy child…

Last weekend the Detroit Zoo had what was called Boo at the Zoo for parents with small children. Meg and Jim dressed Drew up like a little sweet pea and took him to the zoo. Here’s a picture of our little “Sweet Pea.”

***
Month two of the wellness program is past. I’ve met my goals both months. If I lose two more pounds, I’ll be into the category for my height. If I can’t shed those two pounds, I may buy elevator shoes instead.

It’s hard to believe how fast this semester is flying by! Three weeks from today is Thanksgiving Day. My wife and I will be here at home alone with a Cornish game hen or something, since our two local kids will be out of town for Thanksgiving.

quotation…

“God is a Person who has everything you really need and who joys in pouring it out on you every day.” - Dr. Dan Olinger

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

“Children are allergic to clean clothes.” - Dr. Gary Guthrie

Tags: aging, senior citizens, time, wellness

We had such nice family times while our daughter Megan and grandson Drew were here. Our only regret was that our son-in-law Jim wasn’t able to be here too. I know he’s happy to have them back home with him now, and I have thanked him for the nice birthday present he gave me of a few days with Meg and Drew. I’ll post some pictures later this week. My birthday this year was one of my nicest in my recollection. It was wonderful to spend two evenings together with all three of our kids! That’s one of those things you just take for granted when your kids are all living at home as they grow up. You younger couples reading this, enjoy all those family times with your children. The day gets here all too quickly that they’re grown up and schedules and distances prevent frequent get-togethers.

Well, the first month of the Wellness Challenge is histoire. It will be interesting to see the results of the various teams’ collective efforts. I’ve received a couple of e-mails lately about the challenge that I thought would make a good iv. One e-mail had pictures of Celebrity Scales that got me to doing a web search. In the process, I found something that I thought was even funnier - animal scales. A second e-mail from the captain of the team my wife and I are on was too good not to pass on to my readers.

No weigh!

We’d probably get a bit miffed if people told us we weighed as much as a pig. But they might actually be correct if we were using the “Animal Scales” pictured below. Step onto the animal scales and compare your weight to that of animals such as a goat, bison, duck, etc. I’m a panda hoping to get down to a Thompson’s gazelle.

Here’s a picture of the scales…

Here’s a close-up of the “weight window”…

Color in your diet is GOOD!

Maxine’s story…

“Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I’d gained some weight, and I didn’t feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn’t have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors… greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate an entire bowl of those colors and more…”

“And sure enough, I felt better immediately.”

“I never knew eating right could be so easy.”

quotation…

“The day that you get saved, you’re in the ministry. … God is always preparing and developing you to serve Him.” - Dr. Matt Olson

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Rob

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate.

Tags: wellness

So far, so good on the wellness program. Saturday, the first day of the program, was a little more challenging because my wife and I spent about 5 hours of the day in the car, making a mad dash to the Atlanta area for an hour or so to see the Dekalb Farmers’ Market we’d heard about on PBS. It was pretty cool, and definitely worth the detour if you’re already in the Atlanta area. We got some neat veggies we can’t find here in Greenville - even found some stuff we enjoyed in China!

Sunday will probably be the hardest day of the week for the wellness program with the different schedule involved with Sunday School, church, choir practice, and church again. I got on the stationary bike late Sunday evening, and just couldn’t make myself do it, thereby losing a point. Week days and most Saturdays should be much easier, though. I already have earned 14 of the 15 points earnable by this time, and my scales say I’ve dropped a pound or two already! And drinking all that water each day is already a lot easier! Those of you who read my last blog post will appreciate this - my personal trainer Becka still looks gorgeous!

BTW, I *promise* that, after this, I won’t often mention the wellness program in my blog posts. It’s still so new that it’s on our minds more at the moment than it probably will soon be. If something funny comes up in connection with it, though, that will be a good time to capitalize on it with a blog post.

If this wellness program makes me feel younger, that will be great. I think some of my new freshmen think I’m Methuselah’s older, surviving brother, even though I’m not a day over 60! I recently received some good stuff about aging that seemed appropriate at this time.

(I don’t know who wrote the following account, but it was not I….)

I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!

***
A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked, “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?”

She replied simply, “No peer pressure.”

***
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, and medications for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “How ’bout Depend, Poise, and other adult incontinence products?”

Pharmacist: “We have crates of them - so you won’t run out … so to speak.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Good! We’d like to use your store as our Bridal Registry.”

This all made me think of a cartoon I’ll share below….

quotation…

“Being is more important than doing. But being what we are has an impact on what we do.” - Dr. Gary Weier

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Rob

Young at heart, but slightly older in other places.

Tags: aging, Atlanta, senior citizens, wellness

I thought I’d do a blog post today since it’s the first day of September. I *love* September! Not only is it the month of my birthday, but also it’s back-to-school time, the beginning of autumn - my favorite season, and we enjoy lots of good produce at harvest time. At school, today is the kick-off of a wellness challenge for the faculty and staff. It’s a voluntary program, but it holds great prospects of personal and corporate benefits of more fitness and improved health. I think at least 2/3 of the faculty and staff have signed on to the program. We give ourselves points daily for each and every one of the goals we accomplish, which are walking at least 10,000 steps, drinking at least 64 ounces of water, doing 30 minutes of aerobic exercise, eating at least 3 servings of veggies and 2 of fruit, getting at least 7 hours of sleep a night, and monthly lowering our body weight by 2% or, if already within the desired weight for our height, staying within that range. (That is a brief synopsis - there are, of course, more details with which I won’t bore you.)

My wife and I are going to give this a try! This morning we had a nice walk in the relative cool of the morning. According to our pedometers, we were already half way to today’s goal before 10:00 am! Walking will be the easiest part of this thing for us. Some of the other goals will be harder to achieve. I have always thought I drank a *lot* of liquids, but the 64 ounces of water has to be in addition to anything else we drink! Today I felt as if all I did all day was drink water! I also need to try to get it drunk early enough that I don’t mess up the 7 hours sleep a night by having to keep getting up to go the the bathroom during the night!

BTW, rumor has it that the grand prizes include a motorized wheelchair and a year’s worth of freebies at Cheesecake Factory. I think my sources must be misinformed…. It will be interesting to see how we all do and what we all look like a year from now!

In connection with all this, what is wrong with the following picture?

At the beginning of this wellness challenge, I’m posting what I consider one of the funniest things I’ve ever read about fitness routines. I hope you’ll get a chuckle out of it too. I’m fearful that on this first day of the program, I might be a bit like the guy in the story below, when this could actually be a very long year….

The Health Club
by Bruce Cameron

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26 year old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1. They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist’s.

I originally received this by email from the author who now posts his original humor to his website. (I give his link with my usual disclaimers…some of the content may not be up to ivman’s high standards - but hey, all I can control is the content of my site.)

quotation…

“The reality is that God doesn’t need you or me to make it.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?

Tags: exercise, funny pix, wellness