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Posts Tagged ‘work’

Police Comments


I know several police officers, and my hat goes off to them and their colleagues for doing what *has* to be one of the most difficult and dangerous jobs in the world. I am thankful that there are people who are willing to be police officers to protect the rest of us from much evil that would run rampant in society without them. I've recently received an email with a list of comments made by police to individuals who were being stopped for one reason or another. I've tried to verify the comments on snopes.com but found nothing to say whether they are real.

The following police comments were supposedly taken from actual police car videos around the country:

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you *another* ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

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Wow, huh?! At least amid what seem like some rather harsh comments, I do detect a note of ironic, if not sarcastic, humor.

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ivman update...

Since the iv's are basically "archived" here on the blog, I will not be updating the iv archives. For those who haven't visited the archives, the tab at the top of this page will take you to four years' worth of iv's, in chronological order.

quotation...

"God sometimes deals with us by letting our sins deal with us." - Dr. Stephen Jones

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Gene Police: "YOU... Out of the pool!"


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Résumé Mucho!


Part of today's job search is an eye-catching résumé (or C.V. -curriculum vitae - in some parts of the world). A poorly written résumé can ruin a person's chances of landing that desired position. Below you'll see some examples of statements that are *not* résumé enhancers! You will have to read some of them fairly closely to catch the faux pas - unfortunate wordings, definitely "oops!" admissions, misspellings, etc. The following is a list of some bloopers that have supposedly appeared on actual job candidates' résumés, job applications, and cover letters:

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail."

"Finished eighth in my high school graduating class of ten."

"Suspected to graduate early next year."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty."

"I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker, flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

"Work Experience: Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees' paychecks."

"Work Experience: Responsibilities included checking customers out."

"I am a great team player I am."

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

"Very experienced with out-house computers."

"Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve."

"1881-1995: Spent my time teaching and going to school for computer science."

"I never take anything for granite."

"To Home-Ever it concerns."

"Reason for leaving: maturity leave."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Terminated after saying, 'It would be a blessing to be fired.'"

"I am writing to you, as I have written to all Fortune 1000 companies every year for the past three years, to solicit employment."

"I'm a lean, mean marketing machine."

"At the emphatic urging of colleagues, I have consented to apply for your position."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"Completed 11 years of high school."

"Overlooked all areas to ensure an overwhelming success."

"I am anxious to spread my wings in new directions and soar to new heights."

"Qualifications: I have a current passport."

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Then once you've landed a job, what will they write about you in performance reviews or letters of recommendation - especially in this litigious world where businesses get sued for stating the truth?! For those of you have to write such things in today's work climate, here are some ideas for things you could say when you're trying to be as positive yet honest as you can be for all parties concerned. The built-in ambiguity assures that you will be lawsuit proof.

Ambiguous Letters Of Recommendation:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For an employee with no ambition:
"She could not care less about the number of hours she had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the position would be better left unfilled:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
"(Name of employee) worked for me for (number of years/months) and when he left, I was totally satisfied."

For an employee with lackluster credentials who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I feel his talent is wasted here."
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend her too highly."

To describe a person who is totally inept:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For the employee who often comes to work under the influence:
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with her was a happy hour."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

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updates...

After an extremely enjoyable time with loved ones, we made our trek back to Greenville on New Year's Day. The trip was easy, with low levels of traffic, heavier mainly near the big cities along the way. Next week is the beginning of second semester classes. It will be good to see my students again.

One of my new year's resolutions is to resume posting my weekly iv's to the blog, contrary to my October 18th blog entry below. Blogs are "weblogs" of people's lives, and my iv's generally include a "personal update." This post is the first weekly entry for 2007. Happy New Year!

quotation...

"Let your life be a chronicle of the activity of God." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

He does the work of three men ... Larry, Moe, and Curly.


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Words to Live by at Work


The following is a list of things that some have suggested that people could do or say at work. However I personally would think twice before using some of them! 😎

Words to live by at work...

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

It is so embarrassing to watch your boss do something you declared could not be done!

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

There will always be fast-food trash on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous" and apparently has been.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will be able to get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

No request is ever small enough.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Life is already complicated enough without trying to introduce organization into it.

I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong, as will the next person who quits or is fired.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

You have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

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All's well here. The school year seems to be off to a good start. Not much new to report at this time. We received many kind words at the loss of our cat last week, and, of course, some kidding from friends who are not lovers of cats. We appreciated them all.

quotation...

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone had scribbled "I waited and waited, but I finally went ahead and washed them myself."


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The Bronze Rat


I'll start today's iv off with a little story that will serve as a springboard for the rest of the iv.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

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Now for some of my other favorite lawyer jokes... (Some of these may be a little bit mean, but I think that even the lawyers on my mailing list will chuckle. I actually deleted the very meanest ones when I "tidied up".) Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.

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A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together - he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

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Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident? An ambulance backed up suddenly.

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A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

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It was so cold last winter... (How cold was it?) ... It was so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

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A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again. "Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead." "I understand you perfectly," she replied. "I just can't hear it often enough."

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A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer.'" "But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim 'That's Strange!'"

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How does an attorney sleep at night? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

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Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.

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A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes, but we can't prove it yet."

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A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was finally sent to prison, he didn't have a dime to his name.

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A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responds, "I hit a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood ... but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches, and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

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A pair of lawyers had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. One of the lawyers was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his absent partner, reading, "Justice has triumphed!" The other lawyer wired back, "Appeal at once!"

quotation...

"The law is not bad. It just shows us how bad we are." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.


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