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Résumé Mucho!


Part of today's job search is an eye-catching résumé (or C.V. -curriculum vitae - in some parts of the world). A poorly written résumé can ruin a person's chances of landing that desired position. Below you'll see some examples of statements that are *not* résumé enhancers! You will have to read some of them fairly closely to catch the faux pas - unfortunate wordings, definitely "oops!" admissions, misspellings, etc. The following is a list of some bloopers that have supposedly appeared on actual job candidates' résumés, job applications, and cover letters:

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail."

"Finished eighth in my high school graduating class of ten."

"Suspected to graduate early next year."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty."

"I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker, flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

"Work Experience: Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees' paychecks."

"Work Experience: Responsibilities included checking customers out."

"I am a great team player I am."

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

"Very experienced with out-house computers."

"Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve."

"1881-1995: Spent my time teaching and going to school for computer science."

"I never take anything for granite."

"To Home-Ever it concerns."

"Reason for leaving: maturity leave."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Terminated after saying, 'It would be a blessing to be fired.'"

"I am writing to you, as I have written to all Fortune 1000 companies every year for the past three years, to solicit employment."

"I'm a lean, mean marketing machine."

"At the emphatic urging of colleagues, I have consented to apply for your position."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"Completed 11 years of high school."

"Overlooked all areas to ensure an overwhelming success."

"I am anxious to spread my wings in new directions and soar to new heights."

"Qualifications: I have a current passport."

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Then once you've landed a job, what will they write about you in performance reviews or letters of recommendation - especially in this litigious world where businesses get sued for stating the truth?! For those of you have to write such things in today's work climate, here are some ideas for things you could say when you're trying to be as positive yet honest as you can be for all parties concerned. The built-in ambiguity assures that you will be lawsuit proof.

Ambiguous Letters Of Recommendation:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For an employee with no ambition:
"She could not care less about the number of hours she had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the position would be better left unfilled:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
"(Name of employee) worked for me for (number of years/months) and when he left, I was totally satisfied."

For an employee with lackluster credentials who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I feel his talent is wasted here."
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend her too highly."

To describe a person who is totally inept:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For the employee who often comes to work under the influence:
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with her was a happy hour."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

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updates...

After an extremely enjoyable time with loved ones, we made our trek back to Greenville on New Year's Day. The trip was easy, with low levels of traffic, heavier mainly near the big cities along the way. Next week is the beginning of second semester classes. It will be good to see my students again.

One of my new year's resolutions is to resume posting my weekly iv's to the blog, contrary to my October 18th blog entry below. Blogs are "weblogs" of people's lives, and my iv's generally include a "personal update." This post is the first weekly entry for 2007. Happy New Year!

quotation...

"Let your life be a chronicle of the activity of God." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

He does the work of three men ... Larry, Moe, and Curly.


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The English Lesson


We are reminded daily here of how difficult and inexplicable our "Engrish" language really is. I can hardly imagine having to learn English as a foreign language. What a task that would be! But I remind my students that their language is also no piece of rice cake either, and I demonstrate at least some of the difficulties when attempting to say some of the few things I know in their language. Suffice it to say, my students are mildly to wildly amused at my feeble attempts in Chinese. I hope they can not only see the reverse problem, but also have more confidence to make mistakes themselves instead of sitting quietly by.

Today's iv is a poem that points out only a few of the anomalies of the English language.

The English Lesson
attributed to Richard Krogh

We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot - would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
If the singular is this and plural is these,
Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?

Then one may be that, and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose;
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.

The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!
So our English, I think you will all agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?

Well done! And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.

And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt)

A moth is not a moth in mother.
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there.
And dear and fear for bear and pear.

And then there's dose and rose and lose --
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.

And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Why, man alive,
I'd learned to talk it when I was five,

And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn't learned it at fifty-five!

divider

Our classes are going fine, and our social lives are quite active. We've been invited out to dinner every night this week except Wednesday by students or others here whom we have gotten to know. And dinner engagements for next week have already begun, with Monday already planned.

My wife Becka started getting a cold the other day, and she is sure that it has now gone into a sinus infection. She had brought along a prescription of antibiotic that her doctor back home gave her before the trip, and so she has begun to take that medication. I have completed my Chinese medicine. Phew! I really do feel much better now, and I'm especially happy to have finished the medicine!

quotation...

"One day every knee will bow. Those who see things as they really are are on their knees now." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?


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