Every day we hear all sorts of things — good, bad, and some things downright ugly. I hear many things I wish I hadn't heard, and unfortunately I miss some things that I really should have heard, but didn't.
Today's iv is a starter list of things I would love to hear some time, but probably won't. It's a "starter list" because I hope my readers will add to this list in the comments.
Things you wish you'd hear...
From a telemarketing person:
I'm sorry, did I reach you at a bad time? Here's my number... just call me back when you'd like to hear my sales pitch.
I understand that you are not interested. Thank you for your time.
Click (Them hanging up)
From your boss:
You look tired today. Take the rest of the day off.
The company offered me a 25% raise, but I told them that you deserved it more than I do.
From your auto mechanic:
That part is much less expensive than I thought.
I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do.
You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street.
It was just a loose wire. No charge.
(I have actually heard some of those things from my mechanic! What a great guy!)
From a tire dealer:
Sir, those tires have plenty of tread left.
Yes indeed, your warranty covers that.
Your car's front end alignment is perfect.
From a store clerk:
The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper.
We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one, or give you a complete refund ... whichever you prefer.
Actually Walmart has the exact same item for a lot less.
From a contractor:
Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing.
I think I came in a little high on that estimate.
Looks like we're gonna be done a week or so early.
From your dentist:
I think you're flossing too much.
I won't ask any questions until I take the drill out of your mouth.
From a restaurant server:
I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept a tip from you today.
Dessert's on the house.
From your teacher:
Homework is unproductive and too time consuming.
I think you all know this so well already that I'm cancelling the test.
From your son or daughter's preschool teacher:
Everyone misbehaved today, except Jimmy/Sandy.
Jimmy/Sandy traded his/her candy bar for carrot sticks.
I wish we had 20 Jimmys/Sandys.
From your son or daughter's elementary school teacher:
Jimmy/Sandy really knows how to interact with others.
I can't seem to teach him/her fast enough, they're so eager.
Jimmy/Sandy's excellent behavior is a fine reflection on you.
From your son or daughter's high school teacher:
Jimmy/Sandy is now qualified for a full college scholarship.
I can't see wasting years here. Your child should enter college now.
Jimmy/Sandy is excelling in both sports and studies.
From a tech support technician:
Just press the space bar and everything will be fine.
From your doctor:
You are in better shape than someone half your age. I wish I were in as good a shape as you!
Take this pill once a month, and you'll be at your perfect weight without excercise or changing your diet.
This is such an interesting case, I'll treat you for free, just for the learning experience.
Actually, I think you're the perfect weight for your height.
From your parents:
Curfew?! What curfew?
We'll pay for our grandchildren's college education.
You seem to know exactly what you are doing. I have no advice to offer.
From your son or daughter:
I really appreciate the benefit of your wisdom.
Yes, I agree completely — as usual, you're right.
You are always fair with us.
I really don't care what the other kids are doing.
From a telephone answering system:
If you would like to speak to a human being, press one.
From a clothing salesperson:
No, that looks too big. Let's try a smaller size.
From the IRS:
We made a mistake. You received only half of what your tax refund should have been.
We've never looked at it that way — you're 100% correct.
We've audited your last 10 tax returns — we owe you a bundle!
We agree — the forms and the tax laws are way too confusing.
From the Surgeon General:
Liver and brussel sprouts have been shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals.
From your fitness coach:
Try the great new trend in aerobic exercise. Sitting in front of a computer for at least four hours a day has been shown to burn 600 calories an hour!
From your wife:
Wow, you've knocked out all the jobs on my honey-do list. Why don't you go stretch out on the couch?
From your husband:
Honey, your clothes are just hanging on you. How about we head to Dairy Queen for dinner?
Now it's your turn! I look forward to your comments.
quotation...
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." — Ronald Reagan
=^..^= =^..^=
Rob
I’m sorry, I completely missed the news this morning.... What are we supposed to be mad about today?
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on Oct 26th, 2011 at 8:29 pm
My absolute favorite was when my doctor in Pennsylvania told me, “I think I know what you’ve got, and no, you are not crazy, like your other doctors have told you.”
True story!
on Oct 26th, 2011 at 10:13 pm
You know, it’s funny; I had a conversation with an IRS agent last night, because we had to file amended returns for the past three years due to paid preparer and tax software errors, and they weren’t being processed correctly. This lady actually admitted voluntarily that the income tax program is way too complicated. She said that the data entry people often make mistakes too. For example, whoever scanned in our amended returns (filled out by hand and filed by snail mail) put them in for the wrong years!! She was extremely courteous and helpful, and I wish I had jotted down her agent number so I could commend her to her boss. Never thought I would say that about the IRS.
on Oct 26th, 2011 at 10:38 pm
Techniques for telemarketers:
Go on a long monologue in French (or other foreign language). Time how long it takes them to hang up.
“I’m sorry, I don’t buy from people with curly hair.”
And my never-fail method: “Actually, you’ve reached a number in Scotland.”
on Oct 27th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
for telemarketers:
“I’m very sorry, but I do not speak English, so I am not able to understand anything you are saying about your very fine product.” Or (we’ve actually heard this one) “I’m sorry, but the person to whom you are speaking is not at home.”
on Oct 27th, 2011 at 11:20 pm
Call received at a privately-owned vacation home from someone selling timeshares in the area. The seller simply couldn’t understand that I wasn’t interested in purchasing a timeshare, even though I was vacationing in a family-owned home less than a mile away. It was really quite a hilarious conversation.
on Oct 29th, 2011 at 9:58 pm
From your fitness trainer/physical therapist: “Oh, that’s enough reps. Your muscles are in such great condition you don’t need to do much.”
From the Starbucks barista, “I have a free 16 oz. Milky Way Mocha if you’d like to have it.”
From your realtor: “That house you wanted to make an offer on just dropped another 10% in price.”
From your dental hygenist, “Wow, your teeth look amazing. I think you only need to come in for a cleaning once a year.”
OR “Hey, would you like a whitening treatment today? It’s usually $200, but we’re giving them away for free this week.”
From the DMV, “We have five stations open with no waiting!”