Every day we hear all sorts of things — good, bad, and some things downright ugly. I hear many things I wish I hadn't heard, and unfortunately I miss some things that I really should have heard, but didn't.
Today's iv is a starter list of things I would love to hear some time, but probably won't. It's a "starter list" because I hope my readers will add to this list in the comments.
Things you wish you'd hear...
From a telemarketing person:
I'm sorry, did I reach you at a bad time? Here's my number... just call me back when you'd like to hear my sales pitch.
I understand that you are not interested. Thank you for your time.
Click (Them hanging up)
From your boss:
You look tired today. Take the rest of the day off.
The company offered me a 25% raise, but I told them that you deserved it more than I do.
From your auto mechanic:
That part is much less expensive than I thought.
I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do.
You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street.
It was just a loose wire. No charge.
(I have actually heard some of those things from my mechanic! What a great guy!)
From a tire dealer:
Sir, those tires have plenty of tread left.
Yes indeed, your warranty covers that.
Your car's front end alignment is perfect.
From a store clerk:
The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper.
We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one, or give you a complete refund ... whichever you prefer.
Actually Walmart has the exact same item for a lot less.
From a contractor:
Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing.
I think I came in a little high on that estimate.
Looks like we're gonna be done a week or so early.
From your dentist:
I think you're flossing too much.
I won't ask any questions until I take the drill out of your mouth.
From a restaurant server:
I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept a tip from you today.
Dessert's on the house.
From your teacher:
Homework is unproductive and too time consuming.
I think you all know this so well already that I'm cancelling the test.
From your son or daughter's preschool teacher:
Everyone misbehaved today, except Jimmy/Sandy.
Jimmy/Sandy traded his/her candy bar for carrot sticks.
I wish we had 20 Jimmys/Sandys.
From your son or daughter's elementary school teacher:
Jimmy/Sandy really knows how to interact with others.
I can't seem to teach him/her fast enough, they're so eager.
Jimmy/Sandy's excellent behavior is a fine reflection on you.
From your son or daughter's high school teacher:
Jimmy/Sandy is now qualified for a full college scholarship.
I can't see wasting years here. Your child should enter college now.
Jimmy/Sandy is excelling in both sports and studies.
From a tech support technician:
Just press the space bar and everything will be fine.
From your doctor:
You are in better shape than someone half your age. I wish I were in as good a shape as you!
Take this pill once a month, and you'll be at your perfect weight without excercise or changing your diet.
This is such an interesting case, I'll treat you for free, just for the learning experience.
Actually, I think you're the perfect weight for your height.
From your parents:
Curfew?! What curfew?
We'll pay for our grandchildren's college education.
You seem to know exactly what you are doing. I have no advice to offer.
From your son or daughter:
I really appreciate the benefit of your wisdom.
Yes, I agree completely — as usual, you're right.
You are always fair with us.
I really don't care what the other kids are doing.
From a telephone answering system:
If you would like to speak to a human being, press one.
From a clothing salesperson:
No, that looks too big. Let's try a smaller size.
From the IRS:
We made a mistake. You received only half of what your tax refund should have been.
We've never looked at it that way — you're 100% correct.
We've audited your last 10 tax returns — we owe you a bundle!
We agree — the forms and the tax laws are way too confusing.
From the Surgeon General:
Liver and brussel sprouts have been shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals.
From your fitness coach:
Try the great new trend in aerobic exercise. Sitting in front of a computer for at least four hours a day has been shown to burn 600 calories an hour!
From your wife:
Wow, you've knocked out all the jobs on my honey-do list. Why don't you go stretch out on the couch?
From your husband:
Honey, your clothes are just hanging on you. How about we head to Dairy Queen for dinner?
Now it's your turn! I look forward to your comments.
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." — Ronald Reagan
I’m sorry, I completely missed the news this morning.... What are we supposed to be mad about today?
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