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What to Eat and What Not to Eat

I've recently received some good cartoons about food, diet, and exercise. I wonder if we're to the point where those New Year's resolutions have become a bit less resolute. Here are several cartoons, followed by some other thoughts about what we should eat and what we shouldn't eat.

diet cartoon

diet cartoon

diet cartoon

diet cartoon

picture of fad diets

The cartoon of the USDA guidelines made me think of some of the wild notions out there about how people should eat. Low-this, low-that, no-this, no-that! There's always some new "diet craze" — is "craze" related to "crazy"?! Many people have a hard time sorting through all the (mis)information. It seems that we're constantly hearing we should start eating what we've previously been told not to eat because it would kill us, and we should stop eating what we were only recently encouraged to consume freely. Today's iv pokes fun at several dietary myths.

What Food Choices?

Can't eat beef ... mad cow
Can't eat chicken ... bird flu
Can't eat eggs ... salmonella
Can't eat pork ... trichinosis or swine flu
Can't eat fish ... contaminated by heavy metals in the water
Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmm! I believe that leaves chocolate! 😉

Calories that don't count

A report released by the prestigious Southern California Association of Medicine (SCAM) documents the fact that the following foods and situations have no calories to speak of. You may consume all you wish with a clear conscience!

1. FOOD ON FOOT — All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs, and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking appears to accelerate this process, so that an ice cream bar or hot dog eaten at the state fair actually has calorie deficit.

2. TV FOOD — Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates the calories in food, plus all recollection of having eaten it.

3. UNEVEN EDGES — Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten.

4. BALANCED FOOD — If you drink a 12 ounce diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

5. LEFT-HANDED FOOD — If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the left hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a party (see "Food on Foot", above) Then, there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarities of the calories attracted to the other hand. It's not quite known how it works, but the reverse is true if you're left-handed.

6. FOOD FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES — Food used for medicinal purposes never counts. For example: M & M's, hot chocolate, or Sara Lee Cheesecake.

7. WHIPPED CREAM, SOUR CREAM, and BUTTER — These all act as a poultice that actually "draws out" the calories when placed on any food, leaving them calorie free. Afterwards, you can eat the poultice, too, since all the calories have been neutralized by it.

8. CHILDREN'S FOOD — Anything produced, purchased, or intended for minors is calorie free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby food custard, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to Oreo cookies and including Toll House cookies baked to mail to your college student.

9. FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS — Sausage, cocktail franks, and crackers are all fattening unless impaled on frilly toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.

10. CHARITABLE FOODS — Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cakes, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories.

11. CUSTOM MADE TREATS — Anything somebody makes "just for you" must be eaten, regardless of the calories, because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrecognized, except by the calories.

Happy guilt-free / guilt-laden eating 😀


"Humanity's idols make horrible masters." - Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=

Because of the low-fat craze, the Mayo Clinic has changed its name to the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.

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11 Comments on “What to Eat and What Not to Eat”

  1. #1 Sam Schnaiter
    on Feb 22nd, 2010 at 8:56 am

    That food on foot minuses the calories idea: is that, we eat it while it is standing? :-0

  2. #2 Laura
    on Feb 22nd, 2010 at 9:52 am

    I think that one reason for all the confusion about what we should eat and what we shouldn’t stems from the government’s mentality of “one size fits all.” People are different … some face diabetes in their family tree and some face cancer. Some have other problems. We all have our individual weaknesses, so when somebody is sick copies the diet of somebody who is well, it *may* work, but then again, it may not. We cannot assume that the particular diet of the healthy person is the cause of their lack of a certain illness, because their genetics may play a larger role.

    I thought the claims of the low carb camp were kind of kooky at first (go ahead and eat meat, then watch your cholesterol go down), but that kind of eating really helped me control my severe hypoglycemia (hopefully preventing diabetes in my future). I don’t eat vegetarian myself, but I can fully support friends who have cancer and eat vegetarian because I’ve seen time and again that it really seems to help folks with that kind of problem.

    I’m a big fan of Rule #3, but I think that you left out a rule you mentioned in the past … “Broken cookies have no calories . . . the calories fall out.” Last time my husband (who works with quality) brought home leftover cookies from a meeting at work, I found some broken ones and told the kids the cookies were defective, and Daddy has enough defects each day at work without a few more popping up at home. Gulp! Goodbye defects!

  3. #3 Carrie
    on Feb 22nd, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Whew! I guess I’m safe from all those calories. My dad (a doctor) gives this easy tip: take in fewer calories than you use.

  4. #4 Vikki
    on Feb 22nd, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Broken cookies are also perfectly fine to eat. Once broken, all the calories leak out.

    Anything you finish off someone else’s plate doesn’t count as your own calories.

    Anything whipped or mashed has no calories – they’ve been beaten out!

  5. #5 Ron
    on Feb 22nd, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    I have also heard that white foods have no calories, i.e. whipped cream, mashed potatoes, vanilla ice cream, white chocolate, etc. Maybe I should do some research on this, now where did I put that ice cream, frig or freezer…..maybe a little whipped cream on top…..oh my:)

  6. #6 Beth
    on Feb 22nd, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    My mom has a “Magic Piggy Wand” that you wave over food. It will take away any calories. The directions state that it’s suggested to wave twice over desserts. 🙂 We’ve rarely used it, but it’s a nice conversation piece.

  7. #7 Susan
    on Feb 22nd, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    Laura is correct about the “one size fits all” mentality of the government guidelines. I’m diabetic, and I’ve found that my blood sugar is better controlled if I don’t eat the amount of carb servings the government considers necessary, and I probably eat a lot more protein than the guides say to eat! The South Beach Diet is my friend!

    I love the cartoon with the doctor giving the choice of 1 hour a day of exercise or 24 hours a day dead. Sounds like something my doctor would say! 😉 Any problem I have, his first advice is … exercise! Ugh.

  8. #8 Kathleen
    on Feb 23rd, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    As a left-handed reader, I am thrilled to learn that everything I eat is perfectly healthy!

    One other thing you forgot – quality control. The first cookie from each batch is calorie free, as consuming it is an act of charity to ensure that others do not unexpectedly eat anything from a failed batch.

  9. #9 Rob
    on Feb 24th, 2010 at 6:03 am

    @Sam – You could try eating food while it is standing. If you do, please let us know how it works for you. 🙂

    @Laura – You’ve said a mouthful there! Genetics indeed plays a huge role. I think knowing what we’ve inherited through our genes should move us to making wiser choices in what we eat, but wise eating alone is not always enough. Both my parents had/have high cholesterol. My wife and I have eaten low fat foods for years and exercise. My doctor finally urged me to go on cholesterol lowering medicine because my levels were still too high. Wanting to avoid dying of a massive heart attack as my dad did at 42, I followed the doctor’s advice. I’m taking the medicine, eating low fat, and exercising. My cholesterol levels are now in the normal range, and the only difference was the meds.

    @Laura, Vikki, and Ron – Thanks for the tip about the broken cookies and other calorie-free foods! I didn’t realize there were that many choices!

    @Carrie – Your father is a wise man. When I had my first knee surgery at Barge, he helped them open me in prayer.

    @Beth – Your mom’s “Magic Piggy Wand” sounds like a great conversation piece. If only….

    @Susan – I’m glad you’re using your own good sense in controlling your diabetes. Being prediabetic now, I really try to watch my carb intake. And ah yes, that exercise thing! 😀

    @Kathleen – I’m cripplingly right-handed, but I seem to be able to read ambidextrously … and eat ambidextrously too. 😉 I like your suggestion about the quality control ministry. My wife often asks me to “help” her by licking beaters and bowls and by doing quality control on her test cookie. It’s tough, but someone has to do these things!

  10. #10 Kathleen
    on Feb 24th, 2010 at 10:13 am

    I must agree that being right-handed would be crippling….

  11. #11 A.H.
    on Feb 24th, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    I am a firm believer in the Chocolate Diet.