- ivman's blague - http://blog.ivman.com -

What to Eat and What Not to Eat

I've recently received some good cartoons about food, diet, and exercise. I wonder if we're to the point where those New Year's resolutions have become a bit less resolute. Here are several cartoons, followed by some other thoughts about what we should eat and what we shouldn't eat.

diet cartoon

diet cartoon

diet cartoon

diet cartoon

picture of fad diets

The cartoon of the USDA guidelines made me think of some of the wild notions out there about how people should eat. Low-this, low-that, no-this, no-that! There's always some new "diet craze" — is "craze" related to "crazy"?! Many people have a hard time sorting through all the (mis)information. It seems that we're constantly hearing we should start eating what we've previously been told not to eat because it would kill us, and we should stop eating what we were only recently encouraged to consume freely. Today's iv pokes fun at several dietary myths.

What Food Choices?

Can't eat beef ... mad cow
Can't eat chicken ... bird flu
Can't eat eggs ... salmonella
Can't eat pork ... trichinosis or swine flu
Can't eat fish ... contaminated by heavy metals in the water
Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmm! I believe that leaves chocolate! 😉

Calories that don't count

A report released by the prestigious Southern California Association of Medicine (SCAM) documents the fact that the following foods and situations have no calories to speak of. You may consume all you wish with a clear conscience!

1. FOOD ON FOOT — All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs, and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking appears to accelerate this process, so that an ice cream bar or hot dog eaten at the state fair actually has calorie deficit.

2. TV FOOD — Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates the calories in food, plus all recollection of having eaten it.

3. UNEVEN EDGES — Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten.

4. BALANCED FOOD — If you drink a 12 ounce diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

5. LEFT-HANDED FOOD — If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the left hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a party (see "Food on Foot", above) Then, there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarities of the calories attracted to the other hand. It's not quite known how it works, but the reverse is true if you're left-handed.

6. FOOD FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES — Food used for medicinal purposes never counts. For example: M & M's, hot chocolate, or Sara Lee Cheesecake.

7. WHIPPED CREAM, SOUR CREAM, and BUTTER — These all act as a poultice that actually "draws out" the calories when placed on any food, leaving them calorie free. Afterwards, you can eat the poultice, too, since all the calories have been neutralized by it.

8. CHILDREN'S FOOD — Anything produced, purchased, or intended for minors is calorie free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby food custard, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to Oreo cookies and including Toll House cookies baked to mail to your college student.

9. FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS — Sausage, cocktail franks, and crackers are all fattening unless impaled on frilly toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.

10. CHARITABLE FOODS — Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cakes, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories.

11. CUSTOM MADE TREATS — Anything somebody makes "just for you" must be eaten, regardless of the calories, because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrecognized, except by the calories.

Happy guilt-free / guilt-laden eating 😀


"Humanity's idols make horrible masters." - Drew Conley

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Because of the low-fat craze, the Mayo Clinic has changed its name to the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.