ivman's blague

The following is a list of things that some have suggested that people could do or say at work. However I personally would think twice before using some of them!

Words to live by at work…

Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

It is so embarrassing to watch your boss do something you declared could not be done!

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

There will always be fast-food trash on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous” and apparently has been.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will be able to get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

No request is ever small enough.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Life is already complicated enough without trying to introduce organization into it.

I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong, as will the next person who quits or is fired.

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

You have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I’m really quite busy.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

***
All’s well here. The school year seems to be off to a good start. Not much new to report at this time. We received many kind words at the loss of our cat last week, and, of course, some kidding from friends who are not lovers of cats. We appreciated them all.

quotation…

“The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” - Ronald Reagan

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob Loach in Greenville SC

Under a sign that said “Employees Must Wash Hands,” someone had scribbled “I waited and waited, but I finally went ahead and washed them myself.”

Tags: work

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